I’ll just say it: I have no way of knowing if you’re as big of a nerd as I am. I’m not sure if you keep up with this kind of news or not, I don’t know if it’s on your radar over the last few years, but dammit, things are finally heating up in the wild world of UFOs (sorry weirdos at the government who needed to rename it for some reason, UAPs) and what used to be just some fringe and alienated (pun intended) groups of people who believed, and believed HARD, is now mainstream. It’s on CNN. It’s on CSpan. The Actual government does Actual press conferences about it. UFOs are real kids, and that means, eventually we’ll be saying that aliens are too. ET is real.
The original Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, had big, friendly letters that spelled out DON’T PANIC on the cover. This served as a reminder that there was no reason to panic, that all things would be as all things should be. I wonder, now as we’re clearly welcoming more extraterrestrial hitchhikers into our airspace, if ours would say the same. Perhaps just one word would do, perhaps just PANIC.
Either way, I thought it best I offer up a brief, updated for the current times, Hitchhiker’s Guide, only this time just for Planet Earth. I cannot speak for the galaxy, as I myself am having enough trouble wrapping my tiny mind around what’s happening here on our little planet.
Here’s what I’d tell all these new visitors in their UFO UAPs, all those hiding in their funny little metal crafts that travel without any evidence of propulsion, without a single seam in their construction.
Here would be the broad strokes of my own Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Planet Earth:
First, welcome, kind of.
It seems immigration might be a problem, so if you are thinking of hanging around, the United States of America are a bit of a misnomer. We’re not as United as we like to pretend, and the current Big Boss has a problem with anyone new coming here. He has a way he thinks it should look, and unfortunately anyone with any skin color deviating from his version of orangey pale, tends to be turned away, or worse, forcibly removed. Unless your advanced technology or whatever form of DNA-like material your bio-systems use have the ability to shift your hue, there are probably other, better places to set your crafts down.
Speaking of the Big Boss, we’ve come to expect that the first question you’ll ask after traveling all those light years to be here is going to be something along the lines of “Take me to your leader.” Why we think this, I do not know, as I’d imagine you’d probably ask for a restroom, something to eat, or just to stretch your legs, should you posses them, for a bit. On the leader front, we’ve got a bit of a problem there, too. No one really is in charge here, not really. We have a few toxic narcissists all pretending they are, the “Big Boss” is probably the loudest, but there are some bizarre people that do a lot more damage kind of hiding behind the shadow he casts.
Please note, assuming the people in charge are the smartest, most talented, most qualified of the human race is a catastrophically incorrect error in your judgement. The opposite is usually true, a fact you’ll learn as you go.
A few key terms you’ll hear, and their updated definitions:
America - A brief experiment in freedom from another place, England. It started well, but is now more akin to a reality television show. (Note: Reality television is a popular form of entertainment in which real people watch other real people do semi-real things in their semi-real lives.)
Democracy - The once shining foundation on which America was built. It’s now been hunted for sport, and is mostly in hiding.
Billionaire - Person with lots of money that could fix the vast majority of problems on this planet, but instead decides to just make more money to store away. (Note: Money is paper, or strange make-believe digital coins, we pretend has value and we trade it for things that we need to not die.)
Climate Change - A very real answer to what might be your first actual question once opening the doors to your spacecraft: Why is it so hot here? Unfortunately, the Big Boss and his followers, as well as the aforementioned Billionaires, do not like to admit it is a real problem. They are mostly busy trying to take over our neighbor planet, Mars. Yes, the red one without the proper air for human beings to survive. For evidence of its existence, please note the homes that have burned, the forests that keep starting on fire, the floods, the famine, the heatwaves that kill thousands, the burning of old dinosaur bio-mass to add more chemicals to the air that serve only to speed this process and these disasters along.
Perhaps it’d be most prudent to offer you some survival tips, now that you’re here and presumably are not ready to make the arduous journey back to wherever it was you came from. We’ll try our best.
Don’t drink anything you didn’t open yourself. This is just generally good advice for you, and probably for anyone that’s already here. Some of our water is not safe for drinking, some of our drinks might have had something placed inside it. Exercise caution and always insist on an unopened beverage.
Avoid any gathering of many human beings all wearing similar or matching red hats. You’ll only make this mistake once, hopefully.
To truly fit in, invest in sweatpants and Crocs. (Note: Sweatpants are loose fitting pajamas that people once only wore as children, during physical exercise, or in the comfort of their homes, but now are the dominant form of apparel, especially for travel. Also note, the money this will cost depends on the logo or brand on the label. Vuori, or Lululemon, will cost more of your paper or digital coins to acquire.)
The frighteningly noisy, smelly, extremely destructive dark metal sticks many Americans carry are called guns, and they tend to have more rights and protections around their existence than most of the female members of our human race. (Note: guns, like climate change, make many people die, but they are almost never blamed for this.)
Consume media at your own risk. Once such a foundational idea for America, the media and the press has become a mouthpiece for the Big Boss, and the Billionaires, that purchase the media companies in order to shape the information people receive.
Start an Instagram/TikTok/YouTube Immediately. These are called social media, and you will be expected to broadcast your existence on a semi-regular basis, and try to find ways to monetize this. You might want to get on this quick, as your social capital will be at an all-time and viral high once exiting your spacecraft. As they say on earth, “Make hay while the sun is shining.” (Note: hay, is basically dead and dried plant matter that feeds the animals that we grow to then eat, ourselves. That’s another story for another day, we’ll get there.) Always end your sentences with “Don’t forget to like and subscribe.” This will help grow your followings, which in turn will make you more money.
Avoid any discussions of the genders of this human race unless you are very sure you are in the correct company. The aforementioned gatherings of red hat human beings, are not, the correct company. While we are quite sure your advanced race has no need for any mention, discussion, or arguing over gender, it’s for some strange reason a very large problem here, and the Big Boss and the billionaires behind him seem convinced there should always be only two. Something about bathrooms, and male members of the human race wanting to beat the female members at sports games. We know, it doesn’t make much sense.
Similarly, perhaps wise to avoid discussions of Love, as somehow this has also been embroiled and intertwined with the gender discussion, with the Big Boss and others believing it’s only acceptable for the males of the human race to love the female members, and vice versa. Any deviation of this is seen as an impossible affront to their God. (Note: God, or gods, are non-scientific entities many of the human race believe to have created all things, and that would also include You. There are many gods, or Gods, distributed out over many different religious belief systems, all of them think they are the only one, and the only one correct.)
I’m sure we’ll come up with more as we go, and as all books are now digital creations, we can push updates to this guide as you make your way across this new human landscape, in this country of the United States of America, on this Planet Earth. Please turn on your wi-fi to continue receiving updates, but do understand that you will be responsible for all roaming rates and fees incurred whilst doing so. (Note: wi-fi is our rudimentary invisible system in which information is accessed and distributed across many devices that you will undoubtably find most members of the human race holding, and being so distracted by, that they almost fail to notice you.
We are so happy to have you here, kind of, but we do have to warn that you came at a very, very strange time in this human development.
If we were to offer one final piece of advice, considering your advanced technologies and abilities to traverse vast empty stretches of space and time:
Perhaps go back in time, just a few hundred years or so, and land here again. You will find much kinder, much more civilized, much more accepting human beings habitating here. We now call them Indigenous Americans, and all the land you’re landing your spacecraft on once belonged to them.
Maybe just go there, go then, instead.
Our best wishes, and please accept our most sincere apologies for any problems or accidents you may incur along the way.
Welcome to Earth.
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If we could guide them
all those that may visit us,
how would we explain?
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