I know I am tired. Soul tired. Bone deep. I watch myself fall more in love with the darkness, when I don’t need an excuse to bury my head beneath flannel sheets and quilted yarns. I’m deeply tired. It’s a world, sometimes, that just seems to take and take and never give. And it makes it incredibly hard to put down the knives and shields we’ve picked up along the way in life and used to keep ourselves safe. I can’t seem to shed these layers of protective armor that kept little me safe. I’m too afraid I’ll need them each day to keep the battle going. It makes for a lonely existence when you don’t let anyone past that armor. I’d like to let that all go. Love to set that all down, the weight of carrying everything, and see what happens in the light, and lightness, of life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m proud of myself for getting up each day and fighting back against the same demons that tried to drive me to my knees the day before. But, oh, how tired I am. I too, look at the Winter Solstice with as much wonder as I have left - and try to remember on this beautifully long night, that even the world gets past its longest moment of darkness - and tomorrow - I can begin again, moving a little bit more each day towards lighter. Some, I think, might name this - Hope.
You put words to something that I have often felt- the weight of personal armour that weighs us down and a longing to no longer need it. I also like the way you have named Hope, as moving towards light a bit more every day. May your journey become lighter with every coming day.
Tyler, thank you for this perspective on a day that many don't look forward to. Thank you for being one of the rare souls to bring genuine, pure light to an often dark world.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season. May the week ahead be gentle and a reminder of what truly matters.
This is so well written... each line makes you take pause and reflect internally.... I don't think I can honestly list my disappointments or failures to achieve... or live up to my own or others expectations. Nor can I list my successes or feelings of triumph.... why?.... well because I simply move forward because I am human and many times my emotions just..... emote.... not sure that is even a word
My whole life has been filled with goodness and of course sadness, I have always tried to find positive in what ever life throws at me .... not that each time I handle the throw as though I should.
Recently I had the opportunity to embark on a journey that took me far away for a long time..... lots of time for all kinds of reflection, in every aspect of my world and the world around us.... how often do we utter the phrases "you only live once", " life can be short" , " live each day as tho it is your last".
My journey helped me realize that each day IS a gift... take NOTHING for granted... one day hopefully I can look back and feel contentment, peace, happy and without regret on how I spent my moments. I am pretty close to that feeling now... remembering.. none of us are perfect and simply can't be ....yet isn't life, although being a puzzle...wonderful
Wise words! One must almost get away somewhere in order to have opportunities for quiet reflection these days! I also strive to feel contentment and even joy in the ordinary moments of my life and appreciate each day. I think there is less ‘darkness’ when we can do this.
I’ve always found comfort in the dark. When I was small it was a safe place to hide. Now it is a safe space to renew.
I can sit and breathe deep, relax my limbs, ground into the earth.
It’s funny, the things trauma taints and the things it allows you to transform. There’s no rhyme or reason, no logic I can see.
Maybe the things transformed are a marker of my healing. Maybe it’s some secret formula only our brains understand. Maybe the universe just knows what we need.
I could worry that knot, chase down rabbit holes in search of answers that will never come.
Or I can accept the gift as it is. A representation of myself. Neither wholly healed, nor wholly damaged.
My biggest failure has been to myself. Allowing others to make me feel small and insignificant. I very often feel forgotten. I have no desire to make others feel guilt or pity or any of the other negative emotions that would come with me expressing my feelings. So on the rare occasion I am remembered, I keep it in and the cycle continues. I had a small victory a few months ago when I said no to attending a wedding of a friend’s (even saying friend at this point feels false) daughter who I used to babysit. I was made to feel like an afterthought and didn’t have the money to attend an out of state wedding. I had a conversation with the bride and caved on going. But there was a moment where I looked out for me.
A lot of this ties into some of your last few posts. Conditional love, living with multiple people inside me. I didn’t respond to those because I didn’t really know how to. I don’t know if I would describe the relationships in my life as being conditional because I don’t really know what the conditions are, but sometimes it really feels as if they are. It is getting so unbelievably exhausting pretending to be okay and “normal.” I’m obsessive, a control freak, an introvert, an extrovert, angry, hopeful, optimist, pessimist, and on and on. I keep it all in my head so as not to worry those few closest to me.
Last night happened to be a MAJOR wake up call for me. Something happened that proved to me I can envision a hundred ways something can go and still not get it right. It was a slap in the face and a punch in the heart. No matter how much you want something to happen, you can’t will it into being. You can’t ever predict or control how someone will behave. I don’t really buy into the whole “let them” mentality that apparently people are crazed about right now. I can’t control my brain chemistry. If I’m hurt, I can’t just shrug it off. All I can do now is try to stop worrying about how my feelings make others feel and look out for myself first. If I upset anyone and I’m down to two friends, so be it.
I know I am tired. Soul tired. Bone deep. I watch myself fall more in love with the darkness, when I don’t need an excuse to bury my head beneath flannel sheets and quilted yarns. I’m deeply tired. It’s a world, sometimes, that just seems to take and take and never give. And it makes it incredibly hard to put down the knives and shields we’ve picked up along the way in life and used to keep ourselves safe. I can’t seem to shed these layers of protective armor that kept little me safe. I’m too afraid I’ll need them each day to keep the battle going. It makes for a lonely existence when you don’t let anyone past that armor. I’d like to let that all go. Love to set that all down, the weight of carrying everything, and see what happens in the light, and lightness, of life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m proud of myself for getting up each day and fighting back against the same demons that tried to drive me to my knees the day before. But, oh, how tired I am. I too, look at the Winter Solstice with as much wonder as I have left - and try to remember on this beautifully long night, that even the world gets past its longest moment of darkness - and tomorrow - I can begin again, moving a little bit more each day towards lighter. Some, I think, might name this - Hope.
I don't know you, Heather, but I am proud of you too for forging ahead even when the days are long and dark.
You put words to something that I have often felt- the weight of personal armour that weighs us down and a longing to no longer need it. I also like the way you have named Hope, as moving towards light a bit more every day. May your journey become lighter with every coming day.
Tyler, thank you for this perspective on a day that many don't look forward to. Thank you for being one of the rare souls to bring genuine, pure light to an often dark world.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season. May the week ahead be gentle and a reminder of what truly matters.
This is so well written... each line makes you take pause and reflect internally.... I don't think I can honestly list my disappointments or failures to achieve... or live up to my own or others expectations. Nor can I list my successes or feelings of triumph.... why?.... well because I simply move forward because I am human and many times my emotions just..... emote.... not sure that is even a word
My whole life has been filled with goodness and of course sadness, I have always tried to find positive in what ever life throws at me .... not that each time I handle the throw as though I should.
Recently I had the opportunity to embark on a journey that took me far away for a long time..... lots of time for all kinds of reflection, in every aspect of my world and the world around us.... how often do we utter the phrases "you only live once", " life can be short" , " live each day as tho it is your last".
My journey helped me realize that each day IS a gift... take NOTHING for granted... one day hopefully I can look back and feel contentment, peace, happy and without regret on how I spent my moments. I am pretty close to that feeling now... remembering.. none of us are perfect and simply can't be ....yet isn't life, although being a puzzle...wonderful
Wise words! One must almost get away somewhere in order to have opportunities for quiet reflection these days! I also strive to feel contentment and even joy in the ordinary moments of my life and appreciate each day. I think there is less ‘darkness’ when we can do this.
I’ve always found comfort in the dark. When I was small it was a safe place to hide. Now it is a safe space to renew.
I can sit and breathe deep, relax my limbs, ground into the earth.
It’s funny, the things trauma taints and the things it allows you to transform. There’s no rhyme or reason, no logic I can see.
Maybe the things transformed are a marker of my healing. Maybe it’s some secret formula only our brains understand. Maybe the universe just knows what we need.
I could worry that knot, chase down rabbit holes in search of answers that will never come.
Or I can accept the gift as it is. A representation of myself. Neither wholly healed, nor wholly damaged.
A work in progress. Just human. Just me.
In the comfort of the dark night.
You asked for a “gentle reckoning “. So…
gentle reckoning
Long time in passing
Parted in twelve ambitions
So to measure gains
Led not by good sight
But with the sense of goodwill
Right from right from wrong
Full seen in mid-flight
Ravaged by the crossing winds
Yet still on due course
Many times to pause
Not to rest but to recharge
Perils missed with care
Arrived in good time
Only to find remaining
Nothing but blackness
Perched with eyes wide closed
Sense, then catch the next thermal
And soar with hope yet.
My biggest failure has been to myself. Allowing others to make me feel small and insignificant. I very often feel forgotten. I have no desire to make others feel guilt or pity or any of the other negative emotions that would come with me expressing my feelings. So on the rare occasion I am remembered, I keep it in and the cycle continues. I had a small victory a few months ago when I said no to attending a wedding of a friend’s (even saying friend at this point feels false) daughter who I used to babysit. I was made to feel like an afterthought and didn’t have the money to attend an out of state wedding. I had a conversation with the bride and caved on going. But there was a moment where I looked out for me.
A lot of this ties into some of your last few posts. Conditional love, living with multiple people inside me. I didn’t respond to those because I didn’t really know how to. I don’t know if I would describe the relationships in my life as being conditional because I don’t really know what the conditions are, but sometimes it really feels as if they are. It is getting so unbelievably exhausting pretending to be okay and “normal.” I’m obsessive, a control freak, an introvert, an extrovert, angry, hopeful, optimist, pessimist, and on and on. I keep it all in my head so as not to worry those few closest to me.
Last night happened to be a MAJOR wake up call for me. Something happened that proved to me I can envision a hundred ways something can go and still not get it right. It was a slap in the face and a punch in the heart. No matter how much you want something to happen, you can’t will it into being. You can’t ever predict or control how someone will behave. I don’t really buy into the whole “let them” mentality that apparently people are crazed about right now. I can’t control my brain chemistry. If I’m hurt, I can’t just shrug it off. All I can do now is try to stop worrying about how my feelings make others feel and look out for myself first. If I upset anyone and I’m down to two friends, so be it.