I know I am tired. Soul tired. Bone deep. I watch myself fall more in love with the darkness, when I don’t need an excuse to bury my head beneath flannel sheets and quilted yarns. I’m deeply tired. It’s a world, sometimes, that just seems to take and take and never give. And it makes it incredibly hard to put down the knives and shields we’ve picked up along the way in life and used to keep ourselves safe. I can’t seem to shed these layers of protective armor that kept little me safe. I’m too afraid I’ll need them each day to keep the battle going. It makes for a lonely existence when you don’t let anyone past that armor. I’d like to let that all go. Love to set that all down, the weight of carrying everything, and see what happens in the light, and lightness, of life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m proud of myself for getting up each day and fighting back against the same demons that tried to drive me to my knees the day before. But, oh, how tired I am. I too, look at the Winter Solstice with as much wonder as I have left - and try to remember on this beautifully long night, that even the world gets past its longest moment of darkness - and tomorrow - I can begin again, moving a little bit more each day towards lighter. Some, I think, might name this - Hope.
You put words to something that I have often felt- the weight of personal armour that weighs us down and a longing to no longer need it. I also like the way you have named Hope, as moving towards light a bit more every day. May your journey become lighter with every coming day.
I am so beyond proud of you, truly. To keep going when it feels hardest is the loudest proclamation of courage. It always has been. You are amazing, the light is coming, all will settle.
Tyler, thank you for this perspective on a day that many don't look forward to. Thank you for being one of the rare souls to bring genuine, pure light to an often dark world.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season. May the week ahead be gentle and a reminder of what truly matters.
You are so very welcome Karen. This compliment means more to me than you can possibly know. Here's to you and all you love this holiday season, and always.
This is so well written... each line makes you take pause and reflect internally.... I don't think I can honestly list my disappointments or failures to achieve... or live up to my own or others expectations. Nor can I list my successes or feelings of triumph.... why?.... well because I simply move forward because I am human and many times my emotions just..... emote.... not sure that is even a word
My whole life has been filled with goodness and of course sadness, I have always tried to find positive in what ever life throws at me .... not that each time I handle the throw as though I should.
Recently I had the opportunity to embark on a journey that took me far away for a long time..... lots of time for all kinds of reflection, in every aspect of my world and the world around us.... how often do we utter the phrases "you only live once", " life can be short" , " live each day as tho it is your last".
My journey helped me realize that each day IS a gift... take NOTHING for granted... one day hopefully I can look back and feel contentment, peace, happy and without regret on how I spent my moments. I am pretty close to that feeling now... remembering.. none of us are perfect and simply can't be ....yet isn't life, although being a puzzle...wonderful
Wise words! One must almost get away somewhere in order to have opportunities for quiet reflection these days! I also strive to feel contentment and even joy in the ordinary moments of my life and appreciate each day. I think there is less ‘darkness’ when we can do this.
You are so very right on all this Marmalade. Take NOTHING for granted, nothing. I know you don't do that, I know you aim yourself at remembering all the joy. Thank you for teaching me this.
I’ve always found comfort in the dark. When I was small it was a safe place to hide. Now it is a safe space to renew.
I can sit and breathe deep, relax my limbs, ground into the earth.
It’s funny, the things trauma taints and the things it allows you to transform. There’s no rhyme or reason, no logic I can see.
Maybe the things transformed are a marker of my healing. Maybe it’s some secret formula only our brains understand. Maybe the universe just knows what we need.
I could worry that knot, chase down rabbit holes in search of answers that will never come.
Or I can accept the gift as it is. A representation of myself. Neither wholly healed, nor wholly damaged.
I too find more comfort in darkness, and find SUCH renewal in it. It's amazing to feel someone share that. It's also such a comfort when we finally understand that we're Always going to be a work in progress, this is what it is to be human, here, now. We'll never be finished, never be complete. Nor should we be. You're amazing, as you are.
My biggest failure has been to myself. Allowing others to make me feel small and insignificant. I very often feel forgotten. I have no desire to make others feel guilt or pity or any of the other negative emotions that would come with me expressing my feelings. So on the rare occasion I am remembered, I keep it in and the cycle continues. I had a small victory a few months ago when I said no to attending a wedding of a friend’s (even saying friend at this point feels false) daughter who I used to babysit. I was made to feel like an afterthought and didn’t have the money to attend an out of state wedding. I had a conversation with the bride and caved on going. But there was a moment where I looked out for me.
A lot of this ties into some of your last few posts. Conditional love, living with multiple people inside me. I didn’t respond to those because I didn’t really know how to. I don’t know if I would describe the relationships in my life as being conditional because I don’t really know what the conditions are, but sometimes it really feels as if they are. It is getting so unbelievably exhausting pretending to be okay and “normal.” I’m obsessive, a control freak, an introvert, an extrovert, angry, hopeful, optimist, pessimist, and on and on. I keep it all in my head so as not to worry those few closest to me.
Last night happened to be a MAJOR wake up call for me. Something happened that proved to me I can envision a hundred ways something can go and still not get it right. It was a slap in the face and a punch in the heart. No matter how much you want something to happen, you can’t will it into being. You can’t ever predict or control how someone will behave. I don’t really buy into the whole “let them” mentality that apparently people are crazed about right now. I can’t control my brain chemistry. If I’m hurt, I can’t just shrug it off. All I can do now is try to stop worrying about how my feelings make others feel and look out for myself first. If I upset anyone and I’m down to two friends, so be it.
Sending you so much love, and so much appreciation and pride for your opening two sentences. To realize this, to acknowledge this out loud, is the very first step in stopping that slide. Every day is a new test, a new step, to loving ourselves, to stopping the patterns that keep us locked into a life we do not deserve. Know this: You never have to pretend, not here, not with us. All we can control in this short beautiful life we're given, is the love we put out. It stops there. Nothing beyond that can be controlled, predicted, expected. Just what we put out, and I KNOW, you put out so much good. IT WILL return. It will. Just takes time.
Happy Solstice! I also love this day, and feel the shift it presents more intensely than the start of the new year. Thank you for your light, today and always!
"What then but to call this day of darkness the soil we will plant the new year in? What then but to lay the groundwork, to use our fingertips to unsettle that earth, to use our palms to make the holes for the seeds to sit? What then but to water this soft ground with all we’ve reflected upon, all we’ve been informed of by all we’ve learned? "
'... this day of darkness the soil we will plant the new year in ..." This became an epiphany. An 'ah-ha'. What a lovely way to think of this darkness.
I planted an amaryllis bulb and have been waiting for a bud, a sign of life, and I was beginning to worry that it wasn't growing. But I came downstairs on Sunday to see growth and green. I gasped with joy. It is a sign of hope to me ... the promise of spring and, yes, more light.
I don't like to look back. I try my mightiest to stay here. Now. Not in the past and not too far into the future, [Of course, I do make loose plans for that, after all.] But I will say, the biggest happening and the most surprising was the beginning of coming off a benzodiazepin that was making me feel as if I was in a stupor and sleepy. They depress the central nervous system [CNS] and I was taking them for anxiety. And they worked well, until they didn't.
Now I feel as if someone has, or I have, pulled back a heavy blanket [which have their place but not in my CNS.] Maybe this year I won't be [so?] affected by SAD [seasonal affective disorder] from the lack of light.
I am more alert, aware and in the here and now, and I'm not even all the way off it. [another three months to go at a lower dose, I think] I have motivation and enthusiasm for the first time in and very long time [14 years] and it is as if a fire has been re-lit inside of me. It has given me more gumption at work, taking on a more senior role as a mentor to new hires, and more assertive in, well, life.
I suppose my biggest failure was staying on it as long as I did. But, then, general anxiety disorder ,,, But even with this, I have been able to self regulate with everything I have learned in therapy. It's all just amazing to me.
I guess my own darkness is lifting, and I am shedding more light into the world.
Funny. I didn't think I had anything to contribute this week. Then I was listening to your song choice and the wheels started turning ... just like the earth toward the sun.
Gayle this is amazing, and precise, and lovely, and wise. Isn't it funny what happens when we just close our eyes, listen to music, and let the words already within us, out? We must become conduits, not conductors. You did this exactly.
My biggest failure in the past had been not seeing my worth. Unfortunately, I had to take a journey through alcohol, drugs, suicides, divorce, and other addictions and crutches.
Now being blessed with a life of a beautiful partner of over 30 years and kids that are healthy and doing well, and grandkids that are amazing, I can see my worth even more stronger and brighter in them and other people!
Such a cliché is that life is not journey, but it is true. And I feel so blessed that I am one of those people that wants to be better and do better every day. I want to add kindness and love to the world no matter what I see or hear. And thank you for being a part of that journey!☮️🤗🌈
I know I am tired. Soul tired. Bone deep. I watch myself fall more in love with the darkness, when I don’t need an excuse to bury my head beneath flannel sheets and quilted yarns. I’m deeply tired. It’s a world, sometimes, that just seems to take and take and never give. And it makes it incredibly hard to put down the knives and shields we’ve picked up along the way in life and used to keep ourselves safe. I can’t seem to shed these layers of protective armor that kept little me safe. I’m too afraid I’ll need them each day to keep the battle going. It makes for a lonely existence when you don’t let anyone past that armor. I’d like to let that all go. Love to set that all down, the weight of carrying everything, and see what happens in the light, and lightness, of life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m proud of myself for getting up each day and fighting back against the same demons that tried to drive me to my knees the day before. But, oh, how tired I am. I too, look at the Winter Solstice with as much wonder as I have left - and try to remember on this beautifully long night, that even the world gets past its longest moment of darkness - and tomorrow - I can begin again, moving a little bit more each day towards lighter. Some, I think, might name this - Hope.
I don't know you, Heather, but I am proud of you too for forging ahead even when the days are long and dark.
Thank you!
Hear hear hear.
You put words to something that I have often felt- the weight of personal armour that weighs us down and a longing to no longer need it. I also like the way you have named Hope, as moving towards light a bit more every day. May your journey become lighter with every coming day.
And yours as well. Thank you
I am so beyond proud of you, truly. To keep going when it feels hardest is the loudest proclamation of courage. It always has been. You are amazing, the light is coming, all will settle.
Tyler, thank you for this perspective on a day that many don't look forward to. Thank you for being one of the rare souls to bring genuine, pure light to an often dark world.
Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season. May the week ahead be gentle and a reminder of what truly matters.
You are so very welcome Karen. This compliment means more to me than you can possibly know. Here's to you and all you love this holiday season, and always.
This is so well written... each line makes you take pause and reflect internally.... I don't think I can honestly list my disappointments or failures to achieve... or live up to my own or others expectations. Nor can I list my successes or feelings of triumph.... why?.... well because I simply move forward because I am human and many times my emotions just..... emote.... not sure that is even a word
My whole life has been filled with goodness and of course sadness, I have always tried to find positive in what ever life throws at me .... not that each time I handle the throw as though I should.
Recently I had the opportunity to embark on a journey that took me far away for a long time..... lots of time for all kinds of reflection, in every aspect of my world and the world around us.... how often do we utter the phrases "you only live once", " life can be short" , " live each day as tho it is your last".
My journey helped me realize that each day IS a gift... take NOTHING for granted... one day hopefully I can look back and feel contentment, peace, happy and without regret on how I spent my moments. I am pretty close to that feeling now... remembering.. none of us are perfect and simply can't be ....yet isn't life, although being a puzzle...wonderful
Wise words! One must almost get away somewhere in order to have opportunities for quiet reflection these days! I also strive to feel contentment and even joy in the ordinary moments of my life and appreciate each day. I think there is less ‘darkness’ when we can do this.
You are so very right on all this Marmalade. Take NOTHING for granted, nothing. I know you don't do that, I know you aim yourself at remembering all the joy. Thank you for teaching me this.
I’ve always found comfort in the dark. When I was small it was a safe place to hide. Now it is a safe space to renew.
I can sit and breathe deep, relax my limbs, ground into the earth.
It’s funny, the things trauma taints and the things it allows you to transform. There’s no rhyme or reason, no logic I can see.
Maybe the things transformed are a marker of my healing. Maybe it’s some secret formula only our brains understand. Maybe the universe just knows what we need.
I could worry that knot, chase down rabbit holes in search of answers that will never come.
Or I can accept the gift as it is. A representation of myself. Neither wholly healed, nor wholly damaged.
A work in progress. Just human. Just me.
In the comfort of the dark night.
I too find more comfort in darkness, and find SUCH renewal in it. It's amazing to feel someone share that. It's also such a comfort when we finally understand that we're Always going to be a work in progress, this is what it is to be human, here, now. We'll never be finished, never be complete. Nor should we be. You're amazing, as you are.
You asked for a “gentle reckoning “. So…
gentle reckoning
Long time in passing
Parted in twelve ambitions
So to measure gains
Led not by good sight
But with the sense of goodwill
Right from right from wrong
Full seen in mid-flight
Ravaged by the crossing winds
Yet still on due course
Many times to pause
Not to rest but to recharge
Perils missed with care
Arrived in good time
Only to find remaining
Nothing but blackness
Perched with eyes wide closed
Sense, then catch the next thermal
And soar with hope yet.
Your closing lines always hit like a freight train in the best way. Soar with hope yet, indeed. YOU help us to do that.
My biggest failure has been to myself. Allowing others to make me feel small and insignificant. I very often feel forgotten. I have no desire to make others feel guilt or pity or any of the other negative emotions that would come with me expressing my feelings. So on the rare occasion I am remembered, I keep it in and the cycle continues. I had a small victory a few months ago when I said no to attending a wedding of a friend’s (even saying friend at this point feels false) daughter who I used to babysit. I was made to feel like an afterthought and didn’t have the money to attend an out of state wedding. I had a conversation with the bride and caved on going. But there was a moment where I looked out for me.
A lot of this ties into some of your last few posts. Conditional love, living with multiple people inside me. I didn’t respond to those because I didn’t really know how to. I don’t know if I would describe the relationships in my life as being conditional because I don’t really know what the conditions are, but sometimes it really feels as if they are. It is getting so unbelievably exhausting pretending to be okay and “normal.” I’m obsessive, a control freak, an introvert, an extrovert, angry, hopeful, optimist, pessimist, and on and on. I keep it all in my head so as not to worry those few closest to me.
Last night happened to be a MAJOR wake up call for me. Something happened that proved to me I can envision a hundred ways something can go and still not get it right. It was a slap in the face and a punch in the heart. No matter how much you want something to happen, you can’t will it into being. You can’t ever predict or control how someone will behave. I don’t really buy into the whole “let them” mentality that apparently people are crazed about right now. I can’t control my brain chemistry. If I’m hurt, I can’t just shrug it off. All I can do now is try to stop worrying about how my feelings make others feel and look out for myself first. If I upset anyone and I’m down to two friends, so be it.
HUGS
Thank you
Sending you so much love, and so much appreciation and pride for your opening two sentences. To realize this, to acknowledge this out loud, is the very first step in stopping that slide. Every day is a new test, a new step, to loving ourselves, to stopping the patterns that keep us locked into a life we do not deserve. Know this: You never have to pretend, not here, not with us. All we can control in this short beautiful life we're given, is the love we put out. It stops there. Nothing beyond that can be controlled, predicted, expected. Just what we put out, and I KNOW, you put out so much good. IT WILL return. It will. Just takes time.
Thank you. I know that this is the safest place in the world and I am grateful to have it.
Happy Solstice! I also love this day, and feel the shift it presents more intensely than the start of the new year. Thank you for your light, today and always!
Thank YOU for YOURS. Happy Solstice and here's to the light that's heading back your way.
"What then but to call this day of darkness the soil we will plant the new year in? What then but to lay the groundwork, to use our fingertips to unsettle that earth, to use our palms to make the holes for the seeds to sit? What then but to water this soft ground with all we’ve reflected upon, all we’ve been informed of by all we’ve learned? "
'... this day of darkness the soil we will plant the new year in ..." This became an epiphany. An 'ah-ha'. What a lovely way to think of this darkness.
I planted an amaryllis bulb and have been waiting for a bud, a sign of life, and I was beginning to worry that it wasn't growing. But I came downstairs on Sunday to see growth and green. I gasped with joy. It is a sign of hope to me ... the promise of spring and, yes, more light.
I don't like to look back. I try my mightiest to stay here. Now. Not in the past and not too far into the future, [Of course, I do make loose plans for that, after all.] But I will say, the biggest happening and the most surprising was the beginning of coming off a benzodiazepin that was making me feel as if I was in a stupor and sleepy. They depress the central nervous system [CNS] and I was taking them for anxiety. And they worked well, until they didn't.
Now I feel as if someone has, or I have, pulled back a heavy blanket [which have their place but not in my CNS.] Maybe this year I won't be [so?] affected by SAD [seasonal affective disorder] from the lack of light.
I am more alert, aware and in the here and now, and I'm not even all the way off it. [another three months to go at a lower dose, I think] I have motivation and enthusiasm for the first time in and very long time [14 years] and it is as if a fire has been re-lit inside of me. It has given me more gumption at work, taking on a more senior role as a mentor to new hires, and more assertive in, well, life.
I suppose my biggest failure was staying on it as long as I did. But, then, general anxiety disorder ,,, But even with this, I have been able to self regulate with everything I have learned in therapy. It's all just amazing to me.
I guess my own darkness is lifting, and I am shedding more light into the world.
Funny. I didn't think I had anything to contribute this week. Then I was listening to your song choice and the wheels started turning ... just like the earth toward the sun.
Gayle this is amazing, and precise, and lovely, and wise. Isn't it funny what happens when we just close our eyes, listen to music, and let the words already within us, out? We must become conduits, not conductors. You did this exactly.
Thanks for sharing. I would have had the same reaction to the flower 🥰
I have said it before, that I am moon or sea;
Reflections of light, mirror-dance more than flame.
I have said it before, yielding to the lonely interplay
Of deep loves that have no roots in touch
I have said it before, my heart need not stir
For batter it is, love poured into pan of friendship and baked in so much joy.
And yet.
Spark bright and flint smile, he
Strikes against heartstone and catches --
Instinct flares and I nurture this glow
So different than any other flame
With which I've burned my own fingers.
Yes, Moon I, Sea I, Yield I....
But too grow and burn I...
Hope.
Oof, what a stunner.
Thanks Tyler! ... Life is weird. Opening the heart again is terrifying and yet... oof there's a difference this time? A calm?
Already getting music from it though: https://youtu.be/iw3WoZLsBRY?si=Yt7Fvlk_SwGIUyTk
My biggest failure in the past had been not seeing my worth. Unfortunately, I had to take a journey through alcohol, drugs, suicides, divorce, and other addictions and crutches.
Now being blessed with a life of a beautiful partner of over 30 years and kids that are healthy and doing well, and grandkids that are amazing, I can see my worth even more stronger and brighter in them and other people!
Such a cliché is that life is not journey, but it is true. And I feel so blessed that I am one of those people that wants to be better and do better every day. I want to add kindness and love to the world no matter what I see or hear. And thank you for being a part of that journey!☮️🤗🌈