I'm watching this in the morning before work and it's so nice 🙂. If you're losing people and things when deciding how to live, those people and things are not meant for you.
I hate to think in absolutes, but believe we are all opportunists at our core. As you have noted many times, the core of Buddhism teaches that suffering is built into being alive, and changing our circumstances won’t eliminate it. Because of that, I think it is human to choose change mostly when the alternative given is more controllable than the present (or just more sufferable, if that is a word).
Native animalism aside, those who decide to go ahead with life changes (albeit only after they have crossed the “suffering threshold” - ie: I can’t take it anymore!) have a choice of which kind of suffering to deal with. Perhaps we know that instinctively, which is evident with a second brain - gut reaction. However, if i feel that there is little or no choice or control, then I stay put. Like in a card game. Except for love, then all bets are off. I’ve knowingly made a number of decisions that were more risky because of the love I cherished more. I guess , for me, the risk of loss of love is more threatening than career or lifestyle decisions.
I think at our cores, survival instinct has made this true. STrip it all back, we just fight to stay alive, it's only what that looks like that has changed over time, as safety became a guarantee. You're amazing.
Late to this party, but I agree with what was shared. I think it becomes a question of which one costs you, you, in the end. I recently was faced with a similar such momentous choice, and something I read helped me take the steps I needed to: Despite what anyone around may have you believe, you do get to be the main character in your own story. F*ck expectations, self imposed or otherwise. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to walk around being an utter ass, but you do get to seek a life that fills you up. As for books, I recently finished Uprooted by Naomi Novik and I adored it so much. Definitely recommend!
YOU ARE ALWAYS THE MAIN CHARACTER! I shout this often to my people in my life, reminding them they don't have to always take a back seat. Everyone thinks they do. Oooh and looking up this book asap!
It costs me boundaries [and a sick gut] ... and then people's views and expectations of what I should [do NOT like that word] do.
Like, I've created a new boundary: not giving in and nurturing passive aggressiveness [I hate being manipulated this way]. I wait for you to SAY the thing [usually with a request] or DO the thing instead of simply jumping in and doing it for you.
Example: We needed the car inspected. My husband [who is 80] intimated that he would do it, but when the time came, he sat in his chair and became a lump, sighing heavily [he has trouble walking, but he can, and needs to]. I stood my ground and said nothing, whereas in the past I would have just done it 'for' him. He did it ... and came back in a better mood for it. Another example is not solving other people's mental/spiritual problems. I just let them know I'm there if they have questions, and don't offer a suggestion or answer until I am asked outright. My tongue is sore from being bitten. Again, I am empowering people.
It costs me the comfortable 'pedestal' they have put me on, which is the ultimate acceptance of me, and the risk of alienating them from their glamoured vision of me.
It's been uncomfortable for me, but I find that when I stand my ground, it can increase the other person's confidence [eventually] to do things for themselves.
The trick is letting go of the overhelpful nurturer. She wants so badly to alleviate your 'pain' because, in empathy, she feels it herself, and it makes her squirm, but she holds firm. Not holding firm costs her, burdening herself with more than she can carry.
In general, I follow my gut, but I will take a moment to weigh out the pros and cons.
I love the birdie unicorn ... the unicorn birdie? :-)
*It's a chick-a-corn hahahaa. For THE FUSTER CLUCK! hahaha.
All this is beautiful Gayle, and I am so thrilled you're standing up to manipulation! You're amazing, and I cannot wait to see where you continue to go from here.
I definitely second Mara's comment on this question! It's all about chasing the adventure that's calling to you!
As someone who used to suppress her gut feelings and stay in places I shouldn't have stayed for too long...I now have a completely fresh outlook on all of this. My new metric is staying connected to myself. The truest version of me. If anything threatens to disconnect me from myself, I'm OUT. A few years ago, I dismantled my entire life and started over. I left a relationship I had stayed in for too long. I made a lot of sacrifices that at the time felt excruciating and terrifying. But everything I left behind allowed me to return to myself. And now I am in my best era yet. From here on out, I will trust my instincts. When I feel a calling or a knowing, I will follow it. I am more curious now. More wondrous. More willing to try new things. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and mystery. I'm trusting in the timing and the guidance of the universe. I will always end up where I need to be, so long as I remain true to myself.
This also reminds me of a quote that I really love by Glennon Doyle.
“Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
And that is how I want to live.
P.S. Will definitely be joining The Menagerie on the 16th!!!
😅❤️
I'm watching this in the morning before work and it's so nice 🙂. If you're losing people and things when deciding how to live, those people and things are not meant for you.
I couldn't agree more. Spring cleaning, I call it.
I hate to think in absolutes, but believe we are all opportunists at our core. As you have noted many times, the core of Buddhism teaches that suffering is built into being alive, and changing our circumstances won’t eliminate it. Because of that, I think it is human to choose change mostly when the alternative given is more controllable than the present (or just more sufferable, if that is a word).
Native animalism aside, those who decide to go ahead with life changes (albeit only after they have crossed the “suffering threshold” - ie: I can’t take it anymore!) have a choice of which kind of suffering to deal with. Perhaps we know that instinctively, which is evident with a second brain - gut reaction. However, if i feel that there is little or no choice or control, then I stay put. Like in a card game. Except for love, then all bets are off. I’ve knowingly made a number of decisions that were more risky because of the love I cherished more. I guess , for me, the risk of loss of love is more threatening than career or lifestyle decisions.
I have taken great risks at love each time jumping into a great unknown ... and have no regrets
I think at our cores, survival instinct has made this true. STrip it all back, we just fight to stay alive, it's only what that looks like that has changed over time, as safety became a guarantee. You're amazing.
Late to this party, but I agree with what was shared. I think it becomes a question of which one costs you, you, in the end. I recently was faced with a similar such momentous choice, and something I read helped me take the steps I needed to: Despite what anyone around may have you believe, you do get to be the main character in your own story. F*ck expectations, self imposed or otherwise. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to walk around being an utter ass, but you do get to seek a life that fills you up. As for books, I recently finished Uprooted by Naomi Novik and I adored it so much. Definitely recommend!
YOU ARE ALWAYS THE MAIN CHARACTER! I shout this often to my people in my life, reminding them they don't have to always take a back seat. Everyone thinks they do. Oooh and looking up this book asap!
It costs me boundaries [and a sick gut] ... and then people's views and expectations of what I should [do NOT like that word] do.
Like, I've created a new boundary: not giving in and nurturing passive aggressiveness [I hate being manipulated this way]. I wait for you to SAY the thing [usually with a request] or DO the thing instead of simply jumping in and doing it for you.
Example: We needed the car inspected. My husband [who is 80] intimated that he would do it, but when the time came, he sat in his chair and became a lump, sighing heavily [he has trouble walking, but he can, and needs to]. I stood my ground and said nothing, whereas in the past I would have just done it 'for' him. He did it ... and came back in a better mood for it. Another example is not solving other people's mental/spiritual problems. I just let them know I'm there if they have questions, and don't offer a suggestion or answer until I am asked outright. My tongue is sore from being bitten. Again, I am empowering people.
It costs me the comfortable 'pedestal' they have put me on, which is the ultimate acceptance of me, and the risk of alienating them from their glamoured vision of me.
It's been uncomfortable for me, but I find that when I stand my ground, it can increase the other person's confidence [eventually] to do things for themselves.
The trick is letting go of the overhelpful nurturer. She wants so badly to alleviate your 'pain' because, in empathy, she feels it herself, and it makes her squirm, but she holds firm. Not holding firm costs her, burdening herself with more than she can carry.
In general, I follow my gut, but I will take a moment to weigh out the pros and cons.
I love the birdie unicorn ... the unicorn birdie? :-)
*It's a chick-a-corn hahahaa. For THE FUSTER CLUCK! hahaha.
All this is beautiful Gayle, and I am so thrilled you're standing up to manipulation! You're amazing, and I cannot wait to see where you continue to go from here.
I definitely second Mara's comment on this question! It's all about chasing the adventure that's calling to you!
As someone who used to suppress her gut feelings and stay in places I shouldn't have stayed for too long...I now have a completely fresh outlook on all of this. My new metric is staying connected to myself. The truest version of me. If anything threatens to disconnect me from myself, I'm OUT. A few years ago, I dismantled my entire life and started over. I left a relationship I had stayed in for too long. I made a lot of sacrifices that at the time felt excruciating and terrifying. But everything I left behind allowed me to return to myself. And now I am in my best era yet. From here on out, I will trust my instincts. When I feel a calling or a knowing, I will follow it. I am more curious now. More wondrous. More willing to try new things. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and mystery. I'm trusting in the timing and the guidance of the universe. I will always end up where I need to be, so long as I remain true to myself.
This also reminds me of a quote that I really love by Glennon Doyle.
“Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
And that is how I want to live.
P.S. Will definitely be joining The Menagerie on the 16th!!!
YES! We cannot wait to have you on the 16th! And what a beautiful quote. Thank you. Seriously.