Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece about the state of your emotions. I can relate. Heck! we could all relate. I’ve found myself last year emotionally wrestling between anger and rage too. Angry at the selfishness out there in the face of people dying of Covid. Deaths that could have been prevented easily. It got to the point where my anger started to turn into helplessness and defeat, sadness and depression. I’m not someone who screams or punches things, I don’t even yell or raise my voice so much. So the only place this anger could go, was back inside. Then I decided to turn off the news, and the constant 24hours rants about what going wrong in this world for a week. I started with a week, but now I can have it off weeks at a time. After a few days of diet free news I started to feel better and realized 2 things:
First, just like social media that only showcases the perfect life no one has, the news on tv or media is only designed to sensationalize the worst in this world. It’s a magnifying glass into the worst thing that has happened, is happening, can or will happen in any given time around the world. And it was up to me to decide how much of it , if any I want to let in my space. Second I realized, or I remembered in that quiet space I was in, that in this world we are all living in, no one gets away with anything. Karma is real. In other words, what you do to others will be done to you. So it’s not my job to try to right all the wrongs in this world. And that’s what my anger and frustration was all about. We are all energetic beings sharing space temporarily in this world and I’m only responsible for the energy I put into the world. And I want that energy to be welcoming and good, bright and healing. In other words, whatever I do, I want it to be with love, to bring joy, and comfort, to foster healing and happiness. That’s what I’m working on. That’s what I decided to put my focus on instead of the anger and by doing that I get to recalibrate myself and my emotions.
Some days I still feel anger, don’t get me wrong, especially at work when I have to tell someone to leave because they don’t want to wear a mask. It’s a non negotiable stance. That’s also what I have to do keep myself safe and sane.
I know it’s dark right now in Montana, more dark than light, but keep the light in. To use your own words, keep chasing the light. Thank you for this.
This was such a timely piece. Thank you for sharing. I have been wrestling with anger and, just as much, despair. I don’t know how to handle it constructively. What I want to do is go hide in a cabin in the woods with my cat, books, fiddle, sketchpad, and a lot of coffee. But that isn’t do-able and won’t accomplish anything anyway. It feels like everything is just so big right now and it is overwhelming.
A couple of weeks ago, fires destroyed communities just up the road from me here in Colorado. It was a terrifying day and I was amazed at how fast people mobilized to help. I volunteer at a horse rescue and we were on stand by to help evacuate large animals, we weren’t even needed because so many people stepped up. Days later, over $2 million was raised to help the people who lost their homes. So I know, I KNOW, that goodness and love, it’s still out there. It just feels like it is eclipsed by hate.
I want to figure out how to counteract the hate, just don’t know how yet. I try to do my little bits of good in the world but it never feels like enough.
Your anger turned rage is so human....and your willingness to share is such a gift. It really reads (and feels) to me like the challenge of living with the things so outside our circle of control and recognizing that we have no power there....that we cannot choose for others, act for others, decide for others.....and yet their choices, actions, and decisions can effect US. It feels like an injustice, right? And we're supposed to live in a place of liberty and justice for all.....and it clearly isn't. So that righteous indignation.....comes from feeling betrayed by others.
One of my heroes, Brene Brown, studies people and vulnerability as a researcher in human behavior....she she sums it up this way: When anger is in the driver's seat, shame is riding shotgun". Replace shame with any number of other vulnerable feelings like disappointment, resentment, betrayal and the same rule applies. The anger is like the armor worn by that softer, more vulnerable feeling. Identify THAT.... what's under the anger.....and explore and comfort that emotional state. Then consider yourself hugged. I've been feeling so much the same....and it's really hard because you want to DO something, and there are things outside that circle of control where there's nothing for you to do and it's a hard thing to accept.
Tyler, brother, you’re hitting home with me alright. Anger. Anger is something I’ve been called to work on the last few months. For me and for my wife and my darling baby girl. Seemingly little things have set me off lately, and the anger has lingered long past my usual cooling-off period. It’s been sticky and persistant, which is how I know I’m being called to look at it closer, to figure it out, to examine it’s roots and origins. Here is what I’ve learned so far, and I’m by no means done discovering…
Anger was a very acceptable emotion in my family growing up. The softer, squishier emotions like love and compassion were generally disregarded. But anger is difficult to ignore, it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. So I’ve found I can easily go to anger whereas some people, like my wife, are uncomfortable with anger. And rightfully so, no one wants to be around an angry asshole, not even me.
I listened to a Tony Robbins podcast last summer where he poignantly describes the origin of some common negative emotions. What he said about anger, I think, is very true. He says that we get angry when someone (and I’ll add something) breaks an agreement that we have. An understanding. A rule. Maybe this understanding or agreement is an assumption, but that doesn’t matter. When our rule is broken, we feel betrayed and then we feel angry. We feel like someone has deliberately stepped on our toes or pissed on our shoes. What Tony describes as the antidote to this poisonous feeling is a changing of our perception and reaction to this ‘perceived’ wrongdoing. Therein lies the work.
I get angry when somebody doesn’t do what I anticipate them to do. They break my (usually unspoken, assumed) agreement with them. An easy example - that truck driver on the interstate that is speeding and agressively changing lanes, or that person that doesn’t know or care that the left lane is for passing and they’re fucking up the whole flow of traffic by driving slow in the fast lane. The agreement I perceive to be broken are ‘the rules of the road’ and that we should all obey them and try to get where we’re going in as safe and quick a fashion as possible.
I get angry when some thing, like a tool, doesn’t work properly. A can opener that doesn’t quite open the can all the way is a good example. Or tape that doesn’t stick. Or pliers that don’t ply very well. The agreement I have with these things is that they should do the job they were designed to do. And I can get very angry when these things are being dishonest about themselves, when their designer didn't design them to MY specifications.
So what to do? One thing is to stop making the assumption that everyone and everything is playing life by our rules. Because they are most likely not. They are playing by their own rules.
The other thing to do, and I think you are on to this, is to have compassion and grace. First for yourself, and then for everyone and everything else. I’m not exactly sure why this is the case, but I’ve been working on it for another reason and interestingly it is helping me work on the anger.
I’ve been trying to be less judgemental in general, less of the critical asshole I’ve perceived myself to be. In order to do this, to stop judging others, I’ve found I have to stop judging myself so harshly. This also reminds me of your podcast last week, nice work there. To stop trying to one-up myself everyday about everything. To accept who I am, warts and all. To know that my best is good enough. To have compassion and grace for myself first. Then I can extend it to others, but me first. Always me first, then the outside world I want to live in. Because we all create our own reality and the one I want to live in looks less angry than it has been.
It comes down to choice. I can choose to buy a different can opener, I can choose to believe that the slow driver in the fast lane has a wedding cake in the backseat, and I can choose to believe that the speeding truck driver is driving his laboring wife to the hospital.
Thank you for inviting vulnerability into this sacred space you’ve created. Down with Facebook!
One last thought: the serenity prayer. Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And when I feel like advocating or fighting, give me the strength to try to change the things I cannot accept.
Thank you Tyler, I listened as I woke. You were my first cup of coffee. I had been feeling the same discord, frustrations, anger. As I backed away from social media more and more, filled my head with more softness, the result was more softness of heart, then, more softness of actions. What I 'think' enters my heart. What's in my heart becomes my actions. I realized I could not take on my neighbor with my words, let alone the world...so slowly the transformation is happening and I'm taking on my neighbor with my gentle actions instead. I'm hopeful it is a tidal wave that spreads throughout the world. What else can I do? Pray, smile at others, and invite my neighbor over for dinner. All else is lost on me for I am so little, but how big my actions are in other's lives! Yes, the anger is very real, and very destructive to the core and to our health. The 'loneliness' I speak of so often is really my anger I suspect. I'm angry that the world has turned upside down and we've neglected each other. Conversation is dubious and filled with trepidation. I'm sad that I cannot safely mesh with society now, NOW when I need it the most. I'm confused as to why I cannot find a 'partner' in life and the years just keep passing on by. Some days I want to scream, "I'm Here!". I know, right down to the cellular level, that this THIS is part of my growth, my path, and I must run the good race. When anger is in the driver's seat, loneliness is riding shotgun. (thank you Melyssa) I hope to someday hear the words, "Well done."
Oof. Right in the feelings today. Thank you for sharing Tyler, and everyone on the thread so far. I often read everyone’s posts and try to find words, but often can’t. Please know even though you’re all virtual (at least so far), your words and collective strength make a difference.
The last two years have eaten me up and spat me out mental health wise. My life, which up to the start of the pandemic had seemed like a long race perfectly in time with what it was “supposed to be” in terms of career and relationships and life, was thrown off course. I ended up coming home to Montana, which now I’m thankful I did because I think the space and the clearer air saved me, I had to face the ghost of the person who left that home at 18 and family members and friends who still saw that ghost as who I am today. My home and family are amazingly supportive, but they didn’t give me a healthy emotional intelligence growing up - as others have sometimes shared, I grew up hiding from my own strong emotions because those around me couldn’t manage theirs well, and it scared me. When I was home, I fell into old patterns and all of a sudden couldn’t feel anything at all for months. I didn’t have motivation for anything, even getting out of bed. The only thing I could feel was anger and subsequently rage at those who seemed so selfish and couldn’t put their own needs behind the collective good, at my own loved ones and friends at times because they didn’t see me pulling into myself, and at the world and life for careening off the carefully planned rails I had been on. I’ve been trying to do the work to feel everything again, not just the anger. The gratitude, the sadness, the love, the frustration. So instead of feeling listless all the times except I raged, I now am trying to be softer and more human again. It’s saved my new marriage thus far, and while I’m far from being perfect at it, I hope it can save more of the broken pieces inside myself from cutting me inside out.
Thank you for the poignant message today. It seems in the last few years anger has become a socially acceptable way to show passion. I nearly lost myself in the self-righteousness of my rage … what an exhausting and miserable state of existence! The death of a close family member shook me out of it because grief doesn’t care which side you are on. I can only be in control of how I act and react so I just try to be a reasonable human being and treat everyone with kindness and respect. I figure we need to start somewhere so I choose the basics. I stopped listening to live news, I read from the neutral organizations or listen to podcasts. I’ve been able to have actual conversations about controversial topics without getting angry. And it’s been nice not to carry the heaviness of constant dissatisfaction on my shoulders. I hope we can make a difference if we lead by example.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece about the state of your emotions. I can relate. Heck! we could all relate. I’ve found myself last year emotionally wrestling between anger and rage too. Angry at the selfishness out there in the face of people dying of Covid. Deaths that could have been prevented easily. It got to the point where my anger started to turn into helplessness and defeat, sadness and depression. I’m not someone who screams or punches things, I don’t even yell or raise my voice so much. So the only place this anger could go, was back inside. Then I decided to turn off the news, and the constant 24hours rants about what going wrong in this world for a week. I started with a week, but now I can have it off weeks at a time. After a few days of diet free news I started to feel better and realized 2 things:
First, just like social media that only showcases the perfect life no one has, the news on tv or media is only designed to sensationalize the worst in this world. It’s a magnifying glass into the worst thing that has happened, is happening, can or will happen in any given time around the world. And it was up to me to decide how much of it , if any I want to let in my space. Second I realized, or I remembered in that quiet space I was in, that in this world we are all living in, no one gets away with anything. Karma is real. In other words, what you do to others will be done to you. So it’s not my job to try to right all the wrongs in this world. And that’s what my anger and frustration was all about. We are all energetic beings sharing space temporarily in this world and I’m only responsible for the energy I put into the world. And I want that energy to be welcoming and good, bright and healing. In other words, whatever I do, I want it to be with love, to bring joy, and comfort, to foster healing and happiness. That’s what I’m working on. That’s what I decided to put my focus on instead of the anger and by doing that I get to recalibrate myself and my emotions.
Some days I still feel anger, don’t get me wrong, especially at work when I have to tell someone to leave because they don’t want to wear a mask. It’s a non negotiable stance. That’s also what I have to do keep myself safe and sane.
I know it’s dark right now in Montana, more dark than light, but keep the light in. To use your own words, keep chasing the light. Thank you for this.
This was such a timely piece. Thank you for sharing. I have been wrestling with anger and, just as much, despair. I don’t know how to handle it constructively. What I want to do is go hide in a cabin in the woods with my cat, books, fiddle, sketchpad, and a lot of coffee. But that isn’t do-able and won’t accomplish anything anyway. It feels like everything is just so big right now and it is overwhelming.
A couple of weeks ago, fires destroyed communities just up the road from me here in Colorado. It was a terrifying day and I was amazed at how fast people mobilized to help. I volunteer at a horse rescue and we were on stand by to help evacuate large animals, we weren’t even needed because so many people stepped up. Days later, over $2 million was raised to help the people who lost their homes. So I know, I KNOW, that goodness and love, it’s still out there. It just feels like it is eclipsed by hate.
I want to figure out how to counteract the hate, just don’t know how yet. I try to do my little bits of good in the world but it never feels like enough.
Your anger turned rage is so human....and your willingness to share is such a gift. It really reads (and feels) to me like the challenge of living with the things so outside our circle of control and recognizing that we have no power there....that we cannot choose for others, act for others, decide for others.....and yet their choices, actions, and decisions can effect US. It feels like an injustice, right? And we're supposed to live in a place of liberty and justice for all.....and it clearly isn't. So that righteous indignation.....comes from feeling betrayed by others.
One of my heroes, Brene Brown, studies people and vulnerability as a researcher in human behavior....she she sums it up this way: When anger is in the driver's seat, shame is riding shotgun". Replace shame with any number of other vulnerable feelings like disappointment, resentment, betrayal and the same rule applies. The anger is like the armor worn by that softer, more vulnerable feeling. Identify THAT.... what's under the anger.....and explore and comfort that emotional state. Then consider yourself hugged. I've been feeling so much the same....and it's really hard because you want to DO something, and there are things outside that circle of control where there's nothing for you to do and it's a hard thing to accept.
I needed this. Thank you
Tyler, brother, you’re hitting home with me alright. Anger. Anger is something I’ve been called to work on the last few months. For me and for my wife and my darling baby girl. Seemingly little things have set me off lately, and the anger has lingered long past my usual cooling-off period. It’s been sticky and persistant, which is how I know I’m being called to look at it closer, to figure it out, to examine it’s roots and origins. Here is what I’ve learned so far, and I’m by no means done discovering…
Anger was a very acceptable emotion in my family growing up. The softer, squishier emotions like love and compassion were generally disregarded. But anger is difficult to ignore, it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. So I’ve found I can easily go to anger whereas some people, like my wife, are uncomfortable with anger. And rightfully so, no one wants to be around an angry asshole, not even me.
I listened to a Tony Robbins podcast last summer where he poignantly describes the origin of some common negative emotions. What he said about anger, I think, is very true. He says that we get angry when someone (and I’ll add something) breaks an agreement that we have. An understanding. A rule. Maybe this understanding or agreement is an assumption, but that doesn’t matter. When our rule is broken, we feel betrayed and then we feel angry. We feel like someone has deliberately stepped on our toes or pissed on our shoes. What Tony describes as the antidote to this poisonous feeling is a changing of our perception and reaction to this ‘perceived’ wrongdoing. Therein lies the work.
I get angry when somebody doesn’t do what I anticipate them to do. They break my (usually unspoken, assumed) agreement with them. An easy example - that truck driver on the interstate that is speeding and agressively changing lanes, or that person that doesn’t know or care that the left lane is for passing and they’re fucking up the whole flow of traffic by driving slow in the fast lane. The agreement I perceive to be broken are ‘the rules of the road’ and that we should all obey them and try to get where we’re going in as safe and quick a fashion as possible.
I get angry when some thing, like a tool, doesn’t work properly. A can opener that doesn’t quite open the can all the way is a good example. Or tape that doesn’t stick. Or pliers that don’t ply very well. The agreement I have with these things is that they should do the job they were designed to do. And I can get very angry when these things are being dishonest about themselves, when their designer didn't design them to MY specifications.
So what to do? One thing is to stop making the assumption that everyone and everything is playing life by our rules. Because they are most likely not. They are playing by their own rules.
The other thing to do, and I think you are on to this, is to have compassion and grace. First for yourself, and then for everyone and everything else. I’m not exactly sure why this is the case, but I’ve been working on it for another reason and interestingly it is helping me work on the anger.
I’ve been trying to be less judgemental in general, less of the critical asshole I’ve perceived myself to be. In order to do this, to stop judging others, I’ve found I have to stop judging myself so harshly. This also reminds me of your podcast last week, nice work there. To stop trying to one-up myself everyday about everything. To accept who I am, warts and all. To know that my best is good enough. To have compassion and grace for myself first. Then I can extend it to others, but me first. Always me first, then the outside world I want to live in. Because we all create our own reality and the one I want to live in looks less angry than it has been.
It comes down to choice. I can choose to buy a different can opener, I can choose to believe that the slow driver in the fast lane has a wedding cake in the backseat, and I can choose to believe that the speeding truck driver is driving his laboring wife to the hospital.
Thank you for inviting vulnerability into this sacred space you’ve created. Down with Facebook!
One last thought: the serenity prayer. Give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And when I feel like advocating or fighting, give me the strength to try to change the things I cannot accept.
Thank you Tyler, I listened as I woke. You were my first cup of coffee. I had been feeling the same discord, frustrations, anger. As I backed away from social media more and more, filled my head with more softness, the result was more softness of heart, then, more softness of actions. What I 'think' enters my heart. What's in my heart becomes my actions. I realized I could not take on my neighbor with my words, let alone the world...so slowly the transformation is happening and I'm taking on my neighbor with my gentle actions instead. I'm hopeful it is a tidal wave that spreads throughout the world. What else can I do? Pray, smile at others, and invite my neighbor over for dinner. All else is lost on me for I am so little, but how big my actions are in other's lives! Yes, the anger is very real, and very destructive to the core and to our health. The 'loneliness' I speak of so often is really my anger I suspect. I'm angry that the world has turned upside down and we've neglected each other. Conversation is dubious and filled with trepidation. I'm sad that I cannot safely mesh with society now, NOW when I need it the most. I'm confused as to why I cannot find a 'partner' in life and the years just keep passing on by. Some days I want to scream, "I'm Here!". I know, right down to the cellular level, that this THIS is part of my growth, my path, and I must run the good race. When anger is in the driver's seat, loneliness is riding shotgun. (thank you Melyssa) I hope to someday hear the words, "Well done."
Oof. Right in the feelings today. Thank you for sharing Tyler, and everyone on the thread so far. I often read everyone’s posts and try to find words, but often can’t. Please know even though you’re all virtual (at least so far), your words and collective strength make a difference.
The last two years have eaten me up and spat me out mental health wise. My life, which up to the start of the pandemic had seemed like a long race perfectly in time with what it was “supposed to be” in terms of career and relationships and life, was thrown off course. I ended up coming home to Montana, which now I’m thankful I did because I think the space and the clearer air saved me, I had to face the ghost of the person who left that home at 18 and family members and friends who still saw that ghost as who I am today. My home and family are amazingly supportive, but they didn’t give me a healthy emotional intelligence growing up - as others have sometimes shared, I grew up hiding from my own strong emotions because those around me couldn’t manage theirs well, and it scared me. When I was home, I fell into old patterns and all of a sudden couldn’t feel anything at all for months. I didn’t have motivation for anything, even getting out of bed. The only thing I could feel was anger and subsequently rage at those who seemed so selfish and couldn’t put their own needs behind the collective good, at my own loved ones and friends at times because they didn’t see me pulling into myself, and at the world and life for careening off the carefully planned rails I had been on. I’ve been trying to do the work to feel everything again, not just the anger. The gratitude, the sadness, the love, the frustration. So instead of feeling listless all the times except I raged, I now am trying to be softer and more human again. It’s saved my new marriage thus far, and while I’m far from being perfect at it, I hope it can save more of the broken pieces inside myself from cutting me inside out.
Thank you for the poignant message today. It seems in the last few years anger has become a socially acceptable way to show passion. I nearly lost myself in the self-righteousness of my rage … what an exhausting and miserable state of existence! The death of a close family member shook me out of it because grief doesn’t care which side you are on. I can only be in control of how I act and react so I just try to be a reasonable human being and treat everyone with kindness and respect. I figure we need to start somewhere so I choose the basics. I stopped listening to live news, I read from the neutral organizations or listen to podcasts. I’ve been able to have actual conversations about controversial topics without getting angry. And it’s been nice not to carry the heaviness of constant dissatisfaction on my shoulders. I hope we can make a difference if we lead by example.
Thank you so much for your honest emotion. I too have shared this feeling far too often lately. What helps you find peace?