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Heather Banks's avatar

I love this so much Tyler! I think of this often and always respect so much when people are able to show their vulnerability and raw honest truth through social media. When it comes sharing my own hard things there is a real hesitation there in my heart. My mother always said to never share your struggles with others because half of them don’t care and the other half are glad to see what’s coming to you, and while I’m not sure that is accurate I sometimes feel like the world likes you better when you’re bright and sparkly. But here’s the raw truth of me - while it is all at once true that I am trying desperately to enjoy this summer, I have an 11 year old who is questioning her sexuality after a year away from her peers and I am honouring her feelings and supporting her in every way that I can but also so afraid of how her transition back into a new middle school will be if she shares her feelings with the little girls who are already fairweather friends. She is so incredible just the way she is and I’m so fearful that others will hurt her and make the transition difficult. I am also 2 weeks away from returning to work in the office after 16 months of working from home and I am desperately afraid to go back, feeling the bends of connecting with people after being isolated so long, feeling a general fear and uncertainty and general not enough-ness that is actually stemming from a change in management and a large turn over in staff but feels like it’s just something as ridiculous as not being able to strut into that space two sizes smaller than when I left with my head held high because, despite my daily work outs, my spirit feels like this slightly softer body is a better fit right now. And that in itself feels like a failure already.

I feel like the only person who faces the world post-pandemic feeling fearful and overwhelmed instead of joyful and excited. And I make it worse by beating myself up about that a lot. I feel like between the fear and uncertainty I really needed a beat of calm and relief but I feel like there isn’t one to be had, just this train of life that drags me forward faster than my heart can keep up.

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Lisa Hedley's avatar

I don’t remember when it happened exactly, it’s been quite some time now, when I realized being anything other than real felt painful. Once you cross that threshold, there is no going back, thankfully. 😎💋

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