Of course no recovery from trauma is easy. It takes some sort of will and effort. I see therapists as guides, not magicians. For me, it was years of self work with a CBT workbook. Sounds academic, but that is what works for my situation. Everyone is different in that they need to find out what works for themselves. Here is what I heard in your first segment:
I think so often (and this is from my studies too) that self-work is the hardest, but most impactful of all work. I think so often we think we need more help and guidance than we do once the ball is rolling. As always, gorgeous poem that adds SO much.
Thank you for the reminder about Sunday's Signal Fire. My baby brother, the only one of my blood whom I claim and have anything to do with, is haunted by his childhood traumas and now adulthood traumas. I sent it to him to listen to. I hope he will talk to a therapist when he can. He's been betrayed so many times by the people he loves. It's so unbelievably unfair the horrendous things he's dealing with. I feel for him. He drove 5 hours to bring me his dog to care for while he deals with the latest and probably the worst of the things. I'll gladly be the caretaker until he gets out of a terrible situation. But what do you even say to someone who just found out the person they love committed crimes against children in his home, to his neighbor's kids, and is conspiring to kill him because he now knows? I told him to just breathe and held him as he cried. For him, it always comes down to how his life has been unfair since his childhood. I agree, but I moved past that. Love helped me to just move forward. But his past two loves did the opposite. His ex-wife did actually try to kill him, and the one he was close to marrying is an even worse human being.
My best advice, which I keep telling him, is to focus on the next step and not the whole picture. It's too much for anyone to handle. One step at a time.
Keep him in your prayers, and he deals with an unimaginable horror and does the right thing.
I, on the other hand, am SO looking forward to Scotland next April! Also, incredibly busy getting the house and yard ready for the wedding in just 72 days. Helping Jim's oldest daughter finally move out at 25. And now more housework to fill in the gaps of everything we sent with her to fill her new house. That's the fun part, though! I love thrift store and consignment furniture shopping!
Oh man, it means a lot you'd send this along, truly. I am so sorry for what he's going through and more than all things, I hope he finds peace. It's so unfair how much some people get saddled with. :( And you're right on the money with your advice. One step, then another, then another, but just one step. Nothing beyond it, nothing before it. One.
And, WE ARE SO PSYCHED for Scotland! You deserve it and it's going to be beyond magical. Truly. You're magic.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother and will send prayers and white light. Thank you for sharing; it must be hard for you to watch, but it sounds as if you are a great sister.
OK. First, Costco buys. Because that's a way easier question. I love the little rotisserie chicken bites, they come in individual packages and make it so easy to grab a protein snack during the day. I also love the bone broth packets. Such a yummy warming snack, or you can add them to other things to bump up the protein content. Also, the Korean face sunscreen is awesome!
Oooh, I've not heard of the bites! I'm worried they have garlic, which would be a death-dealbreaker for me haha. Never heard of Korean face sunscreen but HELL YES.
I have been waiting for both of my parents to apologize to me for a long time. Forever, I suppose. And I know and recognize that part of me needs to let go. But it’s still hanging on.
I want my mother to apologize, but she never will. If she has in the past, it’s been in that self-deprecating “I must be a horrible mother, then” way, which just makes me want to comfort her and deny my own hurt. We were estranged for a couple of years and we’re just starting to reestablish a relationship. I feel like I’m at the point where we can converse as two adults in the world, but there are still times during our conversations where I want to cry. After we hang up, I comfort little me and remind her that I am here now. That I don’t need my mom to hold me. But I wish she would. I wish I wanted her to.
I want my dad to apologize too, not that he doesn’t all the time. He used to drink heavily and would get weepy and say he wasn’t a good enough father and tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, which obviously felt insincere. Now, in semi-sobriety, he has moments where that bubbles up again. It’s not as gushing but it still just doesn’t cut it. I don’t want confirmation of my value. I don’t need it. I just want him to acknowledge how absent he was. Not only physically, but mentally. Emotionally. How absent he still is. How it feels like he doesn’t listen, even when we talk for hours. But I know that’s not going to happen. How could it? He doesn’t hear the hurt in my voice.
I want to let go of those parts of me. I feel like I’m on the precipice. Still work to go. Still life to live on my own so I can learn to trust that I have all I need within. And still forgiveness. That is what needs to happen before I can let go. I am just not quite there yet.
This is so heavy and so honest and so appreciated. It's so amazing and intense how often we're all waiting, and we forget to even NOTICE that we are. It just sneaks up, it just lingers, it just stays. I will say this: If you are on the precipice of letting go, you're 98% closer than almost anyone else. You can do this, you can set it down, you just have to want freedom more than the security and "safety" of holding onto it. I don't know why we as humans hold onto that, but we do, because it feels so much less frightening than stepping forward unburdened. Sometimes, we define ourselves by the burdens we endure. You'll get there, and if we can, we'll help.
That is such a great insight. I just had a session with my wonderful therapist (she's one of the good ones) and it helped me to go into it recognizing that just the awareness is the majority of the battle. I guess that's been the struggle for me for a long time -- I can know what I need to work on, or what hurts, but still keep coming back to it. That's where I need to focus, like you said -- letting go of the "safety" of the familiar. I'm on a big ol' journey to learn how to do that right now! Letting go of the physical comforts has always been easier for me than the emotional ones... I definitely have defined myself by what burdens me. Ohhhh so many mountains still to climb! Good thing I like hiking :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We’re all here with you, and I hope you can continue on your healing journey gently and with self-compassion.
" ... and be bathed in my warmth until you forget you were ever broken at all. " ... this could be what an apology might feel like ...
I am wanting, in some respects, for two big and recent apologies. Both of them felt like betrayals, but these were from adulthood.
I feel as if I have worked through, after years of being in therapy, most of the childhood drek. Some apologies will never be forthcoming, ok, most, due to the people being dead ... and not just dead to me, my parents [for lots of little things] and a brother [for calling me stupid so often I believe him still]. So, I have had to work through a lot without the benefit of ... closure? ... [I'm not sure I like that phrase. Is it ever >really< closed, or just tucked away satisfactorily?] There are very few 'trunks' [issues] left in my 'attic' [head] that are sealed, but most are secured with letting go.
However, from childhood there are all but one ... no. two ... to which I will never hear that apology.
One was for when I was burned at 15 months. An accident, yet I still feel like an "I'm sorry that that ever happened to you," without the underlying river of guilt would have been nice. I have never held any ONE person responsible. But it's part of what made me who I am today, and I like Me. So, there's that. It taught me about healing all kinds of wounds to scars and beauty despite it.
The other is a far deeper trauma, and I have come to a point where I 'simply' have to [and can] 'shrug it off' to bypass it. [I'm not soft pedalling it, I really have come to terms with it.] It involved sexual abuse at a young age. I will never be able to confront the person in real life [for reasons], but I have an understanding with them in my head through therapy. Because of that, I have forgiven THEM, and though I know I will never get an apology [or explanation], I have closed that trunk and put it to bed. However, it can still rear its head if I feel I am being taken advantage of. It's a trigger, and my inner child winds up feeling helpless until adult me can take over and remind her that she is safe and the one in charge. My inner child has developed into a very wise being ... but then, >years< of therapy with a great considerate therapist, and a vivid imagination.
Now, Costco. I have no secrets other than getting it delivered so I don't browse and overspend. But that can backfire if you don't specify an alternative. Hence, Scott toilet paper instead of Kirkland. And Scott just isn't ... right.
We love their ciabatta rolls. Other than that, it's coffee, dishwasher and laundry detergents, and toilet paper. I'll remember the sunflower seeds though.
I really like the idea of individual avocado cups. I love avocados, but I don't always want a whole one, and they spoil so quickly. If you blink, you've missed the ripe stage. Are they shelf-stable?
Talk more about the handfasting ceremony. What does it entail? If you are not married but want to ... commemorate? ...a relationship, would that be appropriate? What sort of 'promises' are made? Would I write my own, or are there guidelines? And of course I could Google it!! But really, I'd like to hear your approach.
Well on this one, I had to go way back because I don't feel that I am owed an apology from anyone... it's easy for me to let go of stuff that at the moment feels hurtful to me..... I think because I reached a point in my life that if people say or do hurtful things to me ( I don't think this happens very often) then ..... the issue or problem is theirs not mine. Not that I am perfect but ai do think I own my actions and I am basically kind!
I know that throughout your lives I have always told you kids that if someone was unkind to you and you honestly didn't do anything to them, then they truly had something going on in their world that caused them the action... let it go, let the moment calm for a bit and eventually it would all work out.... now to the "way back". I am owed an apology from my oldest brother for slugging me when I refused to make him pickle sandwiches.... he did this a lot
From a therapist’s perspective, this is a great point! The amount of times someone has come to me for therapy after having several therapists where I think “what have you been doing this whole time? Did the therapist(s) help you at all?” is wild. It can be a systemic/individual issue where the therapist(s) continue the cycle or unhelpful narratives by just validating vs challenging, or it can be the clients, who to your point really do stay stuck. I’m finding that a lot of people have a hard time letting go/forgiving/moving on because we are in such a weird time where people fully identify with their trauma or narrative or diagnosis that they don’t want to ‘give it up.’ Some of this comes from life experience, resilience and hope or lack of, or the lack of trust in themselves to move forward. Misery loves company, it can often feel familiar, and it’s always easier to blame others or to hope for that “forgiveness” that really in the long run won’t actually “fix” anything.
Ahh! This is so lovely to hear! I kinda was braced for impact of someone telling me how wrong I was! I'm so glad you're "one of the good ones!" This is beautiful insight and so so so so welcome!
I think it’s interesting that when I think about owed apologies and moving on, what feels strongest to me is the intent behind the action. For example, during my childhood, my parents made some decisions that were very hurtful for our family and the kids, but they honestly did not understand how their actions would impact us throughout our lives. I’m not saying that excuses their actions (as I’m learning in therapy), but they intentionally did not set out to hurt. However, in adulthood, I have been hurt by someone repeatedly who admits to traumatizing and then apologizes but does not change their actions and then hurts me to a greater extent the next time around. Therefore, I had to choose to part ways with them and it’s been one of the most deeply sad decisions of my life. Both because of the degree of trauma knowingly inflicted and because of the lack of real apology (an apology ACTUALLY involves changing a behavior, not just saying some words). In this example, I feel that relief of guilt for the person apologizing is more what I got, in which case my therapist says “is that even ever a real apology?” Food for thought.
THIS. I speak so much, broken record probably, about the intent behind the action instead of the action itself, and hope so much it makes sense haha. I think the more we seek the innocence in the action, even if it's not entirely true, the more peace we find. Never about lying to ourselves, or allowing indiscretion, just about giving ourselves the freedom to let it go. Thank you for ALL this.
Honestly, I don't think I'm waiting for any apologies from childhood. I seem to worry more about the future than the past these days haha.
Also, LOVE Costco. Hilariously, I just bum off my parent's membership. Every time I visit them (every month or two), I'll just stock up on things. Costco is the best!
Costco- the usual- paper towels, laundry/dishwasher detergents, tp, trash bags. Good finds- the açaí bowls in the frozen section, jalapeño artichoke dip in the deli area and (I’m crying because they stopped making it) Kirkland brand protein powder was the BEST. 😭
Ooof- expound more on Buddhist blanket forgiveness.
I’ll never get an apology from my first husband for tearing our family apart with his affairs. Karma will take care of him, nor do I want an apology anymore. It would be nice if he acknowledged and apologized to our two children- he is so blind to the long term effects his indiscretions and lies have had on them.
Also, Sarah- will you please give the specific name of that Bumble and Bumble product? Thank you!
Of course no recovery from trauma is easy. It takes some sort of will and effort. I see therapists as guides, not magicians. For me, it was years of self work with a CBT workbook. Sounds academic, but that is what works for my situation. Everyone is different in that they need to find out what works for themselves. Here is what I heard in your first segment:
When the Trauma Stops
A stash of heavy questions:
When does the burden break?
Does pain carry an expiry date?
Can we choose the ending,
or does it fade like dust?
Or does it become like our name?
Other whispers in the dark:
Do I bleed from the blow,
or from the echo?
Is it worse to be broken,
Or break into pieces?
When does the wound
become a scar?
To cover the wound or let it heal??
Yet the quiet voice speaks:
In the end, it's up to us.
Our hands hold only our own.
Until the weight of our will awakens,
We are so much more than our past.
Letting go is letting it be gone.
I think so often (and this is from my studies too) that self-work is the hardest, but most impactful of all work. I think so often we think we need more help and guidance than we do once the ball is rolling. As always, gorgeous poem that adds SO much.
Thank you for the reminder about Sunday's Signal Fire. My baby brother, the only one of my blood whom I claim and have anything to do with, is haunted by his childhood traumas and now adulthood traumas. I sent it to him to listen to. I hope he will talk to a therapist when he can. He's been betrayed so many times by the people he loves. It's so unbelievably unfair the horrendous things he's dealing with. I feel for him. He drove 5 hours to bring me his dog to care for while he deals with the latest and probably the worst of the things. I'll gladly be the caretaker until he gets out of a terrible situation. But what do you even say to someone who just found out the person they love committed crimes against children in his home, to his neighbor's kids, and is conspiring to kill him because he now knows? I told him to just breathe and held him as he cried. For him, it always comes down to how his life has been unfair since his childhood. I agree, but I moved past that. Love helped me to just move forward. But his past two loves did the opposite. His ex-wife did actually try to kill him, and the one he was close to marrying is an even worse human being.
My best advice, which I keep telling him, is to focus on the next step and not the whole picture. It's too much for anyone to handle. One step at a time.
Keep him in your prayers, and he deals with an unimaginable horror and does the right thing.
I, on the other hand, am SO looking forward to Scotland next April! Also, incredibly busy getting the house and yard ready for the wedding in just 72 days. Helping Jim's oldest daughter finally move out at 25. And now more housework to fill in the gaps of everything we sent with her to fill her new house. That's the fun part, though! I love thrift store and consignment furniture shopping!
Oh man, it means a lot you'd send this along, truly. I am so sorry for what he's going through and more than all things, I hope he finds peace. It's so unfair how much some people get saddled with. :( And you're right on the money with your advice. One step, then another, then another, but just one step. Nothing beyond it, nothing before it. One.
And, WE ARE SO PSYCHED for Scotland! You deserve it and it's going to be beyond magical. Truly. You're magic.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother and will send prayers and white light. Thank you for sharing; it must be hard for you to watch, but it sounds as if you are a great sister.
OMG. You guys. I love watching the two of you converse! And would be honored to find a love like yours one day!!!! ❤️
:) We always feel like we're a total mess hahaha. I'm so glad you enjoy!
OK. First, Costco buys. Because that's a way easier question. I love the little rotisserie chicken bites, they come in individual packages and make it so easy to grab a protein snack during the day. I also love the bone broth packets. Such a yummy warming snack, or you can add them to other things to bump up the protein content. Also, the Korean face sunscreen is awesome!
Oooh, I've not heard of the bites! I'm worried they have garlic, which would be a death-dealbreaker for me haha. Never heard of Korean face sunscreen but HELL YES.
Wait, can you link me to the sunscreen?!
And now on to the tough stuff.
I have been waiting for both of my parents to apologize to me for a long time. Forever, I suppose. And I know and recognize that part of me needs to let go. But it’s still hanging on.
I want my mother to apologize, but she never will. If she has in the past, it’s been in that self-deprecating “I must be a horrible mother, then” way, which just makes me want to comfort her and deny my own hurt. We were estranged for a couple of years and we’re just starting to reestablish a relationship. I feel like I’m at the point where we can converse as two adults in the world, but there are still times during our conversations where I want to cry. After we hang up, I comfort little me and remind her that I am here now. That I don’t need my mom to hold me. But I wish she would. I wish I wanted her to.
I want my dad to apologize too, not that he doesn’t all the time. He used to drink heavily and would get weepy and say he wasn’t a good enough father and tell me how amazing and wonderful I am, which obviously felt insincere. Now, in semi-sobriety, he has moments where that bubbles up again. It’s not as gushing but it still just doesn’t cut it. I don’t want confirmation of my value. I don’t need it. I just want him to acknowledge how absent he was. Not only physically, but mentally. Emotionally. How absent he still is. How it feels like he doesn’t listen, even when we talk for hours. But I know that’s not going to happen. How could it? He doesn’t hear the hurt in my voice.
I want to let go of those parts of me. I feel like I’m on the precipice. Still work to go. Still life to live on my own so I can learn to trust that I have all I need within. And still forgiveness. That is what needs to happen before I can let go. I am just not quite there yet.
This is so heavy and so honest and so appreciated. It's so amazing and intense how often we're all waiting, and we forget to even NOTICE that we are. It just sneaks up, it just lingers, it just stays. I will say this: If you are on the precipice of letting go, you're 98% closer than almost anyone else. You can do this, you can set it down, you just have to want freedom more than the security and "safety" of holding onto it. I don't know why we as humans hold onto that, but we do, because it feels so much less frightening than stepping forward unburdened. Sometimes, we define ourselves by the burdens we endure. You'll get there, and if we can, we'll help.
I agree with Tyler, you are much closer than you think. I'm behind you should you stumble. Got your back.
What kind words, thank you!
That is such a great insight. I just had a session with my wonderful therapist (she's one of the good ones) and it helped me to go into it recognizing that just the awareness is the majority of the battle. I guess that's been the struggle for me for a long time -- I can know what I need to work on, or what hurts, but still keep coming back to it. That's where I need to focus, like you said -- letting go of the "safety" of the familiar. I'm on a big ol' journey to learn how to do that right now! Letting go of the physical comforts has always been easier for me than the emotional ones... I definitely have defined myself by what burdens me. Ohhhh so many mountains still to climb! Good thing I like hiking :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We’re all here with you, and I hope you can continue on your healing journey gently and with self-compassion.
Thank you!
" ... and be bathed in my warmth until you forget you were ever broken at all. " ... this could be what an apology might feel like ...
I am wanting, in some respects, for two big and recent apologies. Both of them felt like betrayals, but these were from adulthood.
I feel as if I have worked through, after years of being in therapy, most of the childhood drek. Some apologies will never be forthcoming, ok, most, due to the people being dead ... and not just dead to me, my parents [for lots of little things] and a brother [for calling me stupid so often I believe him still]. So, I have had to work through a lot without the benefit of ... closure? ... [I'm not sure I like that phrase. Is it ever >really< closed, or just tucked away satisfactorily?] There are very few 'trunks' [issues] left in my 'attic' [head] that are sealed, but most are secured with letting go.
However, from childhood there are all but one ... no. two ... to which I will never hear that apology.
One was for when I was burned at 15 months. An accident, yet I still feel like an "I'm sorry that that ever happened to you," without the underlying river of guilt would have been nice. I have never held any ONE person responsible. But it's part of what made me who I am today, and I like Me. So, there's that. It taught me about healing all kinds of wounds to scars and beauty despite it.
The other is a far deeper trauma, and I have come to a point where I 'simply' have to [and can] 'shrug it off' to bypass it. [I'm not soft pedalling it, I really have come to terms with it.] It involved sexual abuse at a young age. I will never be able to confront the person in real life [for reasons], but I have an understanding with them in my head through therapy. Because of that, I have forgiven THEM, and though I know I will never get an apology [or explanation], I have closed that trunk and put it to bed. However, it can still rear its head if I feel I am being taken advantage of. It's a trigger, and my inner child winds up feeling helpless until adult me can take over and remind her that she is safe and the one in charge. My inner child has developed into a very wise being ... but then, >years< of therapy with a great considerate therapist, and a vivid imagination.
Now, Costco. I have no secrets other than getting it delivered so I don't browse and overspend. But that can backfire if you don't specify an alternative. Hence, Scott toilet paper instead of Kirkland. And Scott just isn't ... right.
We love their ciabatta rolls. Other than that, it's coffee, dishwasher and laundry detergents, and toilet paper. I'll remember the sunflower seeds though.
I really like the idea of individual avocado cups. I love avocados, but I don't always want a whole one, and they spoil so quickly. If you blink, you've missed the ripe stage. Are they shelf-stable?
Talk more about the handfasting ceremony. What does it entail? If you are not married but want to ... commemorate? ...a relationship, would that be appropriate? What sort of 'promises' are made? Would I write my own, or are there guidelines? And of course I could Google it!! But really, I'd like to hear your approach.
Thank you, Gayle. Reading your explanation about apologies and putting them in the trunk really resonates with me. Sending some light your way. ♥️
Well on this one, I had to go way back because I don't feel that I am owed an apology from anyone... it's easy for me to let go of stuff that at the moment feels hurtful to me..... I think because I reached a point in my life that if people say or do hurtful things to me ( I don't think this happens very often) then ..... the issue or problem is theirs not mine. Not that I am perfect but ai do think I own my actions and I am basically kind!
I know that throughout your lives I have always told you kids that if someone was unkind to you and you honestly didn't do anything to them, then they truly had something going on in their world that caused them the action... let it go, let the moment calm for a bit and eventually it would all work out.... now to the "way back". I am owed an apology from my oldest brother for slugging me when I refused to make him pickle sandwiches.... he did this a lot
Always such good advice, that people project their problems Onto you, and it's not your doing so often. But yeah, Jim needs to own up!
P.S always buy toilet paper..... it's the worst when you run out. My Costco tip
Buy a Bidet! You'll save HUNDREDS on TP!
From a therapist’s perspective, this is a great point! The amount of times someone has come to me for therapy after having several therapists where I think “what have you been doing this whole time? Did the therapist(s) help you at all?” is wild. It can be a systemic/individual issue where the therapist(s) continue the cycle or unhelpful narratives by just validating vs challenging, or it can be the clients, who to your point really do stay stuck. I’m finding that a lot of people have a hard time letting go/forgiving/moving on because we are in such a weird time where people fully identify with their trauma or narrative or diagnosis that they don’t want to ‘give it up.’ Some of this comes from life experience, resilience and hope or lack of, or the lack of trust in themselves to move forward. Misery loves company, it can often feel familiar, and it’s always easier to blame others or to hope for that “forgiveness” that really in the long run won’t actually “fix” anything.
Ahh! This is so lovely to hear! I kinda was braced for impact of someone telling me how wrong I was! I'm so glad you're "one of the good ones!" This is beautiful insight and so so so so welcome!
I think it’s interesting that when I think about owed apologies and moving on, what feels strongest to me is the intent behind the action. For example, during my childhood, my parents made some decisions that were very hurtful for our family and the kids, but they honestly did not understand how their actions would impact us throughout our lives. I’m not saying that excuses their actions (as I’m learning in therapy), but they intentionally did not set out to hurt. However, in adulthood, I have been hurt by someone repeatedly who admits to traumatizing and then apologizes but does not change their actions and then hurts me to a greater extent the next time around. Therefore, I had to choose to part ways with them and it’s been one of the most deeply sad decisions of my life. Both because of the degree of trauma knowingly inflicted and because of the lack of real apology (an apology ACTUALLY involves changing a behavior, not just saying some words). In this example, I feel that relief of guilt for the person apologizing is more what I got, in which case my therapist says “is that even ever a real apology?” Food for thought.
THIS. I speak so much, broken record probably, about the intent behind the action instead of the action itself, and hope so much it makes sense haha. I think the more we seek the innocence in the action, even if it's not entirely true, the more peace we find. Never about lying to ourselves, or allowing indiscretion, just about giving ourselves the freedom to let it go. Thank you for ALL this.
Can't do it!!!
Honestly, I don't think I'm waiting for any apologies from childhood. I seem to worry more about the future than the past these days haha.
Also, LOVE Costco. Hilariously, I just bum off my parent's membership. Every time I visit them (every month or two), I'll just stock up on things. Costco is the best!
Costco- the usual- paper towels, laundry/dishwasher detergents, tp, trash bags. Good finds- the açaí bowls in the frozen section, jalapeño artichoke dip in the deli area and (I’m crying because they stopped making it) Kirkland brand protein powder was the BEST. 😭
Ooof- expound more on Buddhist blanket forgiveness.
I’ll never get an apology from my first husband for tearing our family apart with his affairs. Karma will take care of him, nor do I want an apology anymore. It would be nice if he acknowledged and apologized to our two children- he is so blind to the long term effects his indiscretions and lies have had on them.
Also, Sarah- will you please give the specific name of that Bumble and Bumble product? Thank you!