All it takes is for me to not remember the lasts with my kids.
I do have the privilege of knowing the last time my son laid his head in my lap, not feeling well as I ran my fingers through his hair-the action that soothed him to sleep as a child. So I cling to that one.
I know when the last time I watched my daughter walk away from her childhood home.
Oh Samantha, for the cut, I am sorry, but I so hope the healing brings about something new and beautiful and some sense of joy. You're amazing, and we're here if you EVER need.
This 3 part series has been one of your absolute best..... I love love it when I read something that makes me stop and search my mind's archives..... brings me memories both good and bad.... creates many moments of pondering and trying to remember... well done!!!! This should be introduced in a class you do!!!!!🥰🥰🥰
Yes! As I was reading the first part, I thought to myself, that’s why it’s so important to BE in every moment, to be present. Then you said exactly that.
Would it be any easier if we knew? If our children gently told us that this would be the last night we read them a story before bed, so we could make sure we made the most of it? If a lover softly told us that this would be our last kiss?
I wonder this so often. If we had the magic 8 ball that could show us our futures, would it make it better? Worse? Or would it cheapen every moment that was NOT that before it?
I think we are forward-thinking people- we need to be - I would be overwhelmed by sadness if I knew which moments were the lasts. At the same time, these words resonated with me: “something we’re doing right now might be the last time we ever do it” - as I write this sitting on the beach with my two “boys” (19 & 23). As you say, for different reasons/ circumstances, this could be our last! Not so many years ago, we spent every sunny afternoon here. While they still go out together, it’s hard for me to be included. Thanks for the reminder to cherish each moment with them.
When this topic of “lasts we forget to remember” came up, my brain went somewhere radically else. I am a full time care giver since 2015 to my partner of 43 years. We have a full life together, just different from what it was before. My partner suffered two severe hemorrhagic strokes. They survived and spent nearly six months in the hospital and rehab. Their list of chronic deficiencies since then is quite long, but the most debilitating is the loss of short term memory. And superficially, most of what those who knew my partner before the stroke, only saw the losses after. But here’s the thing…. They are still here! And still significantly aware, even if they cannot participate nor communicate like they did before. Yes, they get long term memories mixed up with current ones and cannot find words to express themselves, but if one takes the time and uses others ways to communicate, you realize their basic cognition is still as dynamic as it was in 2015. And when we entered the world of medical therapy for cognitively challenged adults, what we witnesses astounded us, as there is an huge number of people in the same way ( about 800,000 each year just in the US from various types of strokes and about 500,000 from Alzheimer’s/Dementia). So, I’m here to comment about what is left for both care-receivers and caregivers after such life changing events, where the separation of death is not what you are left to deal with, but what is called “ambiguous loss”. It is called this because it is not one loss, but many that are faced without a certain knowledge of an endpoint. And it can be more challenging to some than death itself. If we appreciate that there are a lot of people with cognitive injuries or disease who are “still here”, and deserve the efforts to find new therapies, then this comment is not so much about what memories are lost, but what memories can be gained. Until then, most of what we have to cling to is hope… and there is always hope!
Kevin I love when your mind goes radically off the rails I set. It makes for the most keen insights for the rest of us, the most impactul bits of your writing. Just like this is. It surprises me not at all that you ended with Hope. You always do.
I need to put this in writing before part three will possibly wreck me.
I like to hope there's another version of 2025 Lane x Dave in another universe. Replace the Bible with Wicked. That the fever dream Summer is actually sustainable.
We just burnt so bright & I like to think we were exactly what the other needed during a really tumultuous time. I forget that even though we have so much shared history & we essentially crammed 5.5 years into a Summer.
We took care of, and tried to handle one another with care. We're still the playwright & the wordsmith. Of course it was gonna be rough when setting a friendship on fire.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t have any of those forgotten lasts. Some don’t matter so I don’t bother trying to remember.
In its own way, the lasts we forgot might be the hardest. I’ve had too many people fade out of my life without ever knowing why. For better or worse, it has made me hyper aware that every interaction with someone could be the last time.
I wish I could better articulate my response to this one, I’m just finding it harder than I thought it would be.
You're so right on the money. The hardest losses, the hardest people we somehow lose without knowing way, they always sting the most. Our awareness shapes our world, our future, our life. Thank you for this.
I see your haiku and came up with my own, inspired by this delightful 3 part series. Thank you as always for being so insightful and helping the world to see and ponder different perspectives.
I was blessed to pick up a cousin from the airport last night. Many would consider it a hassle instead of a blessing, but neither of us could remember the last time we had gotten to see one another in person. He relocated from Michigan to California nearly 20 years ago and life just has a way of lifing right along until you realize, wait a minute I don't remember how long it's been since I've sat in my grandma's living room?! Or whatever the case. So yes, picking up my cousin and catching up on nearly 20 years of landmark life progress including loves, births of children, and deaths were all discussed. I can't remember where I heard it, but one of the truest statements I've ever heard is this: the days go slow, but the years go fast. Here's my haiku for your amusement. You're an inspiration to all of us.
Tami this is so beautiful. I've always said, in one poem in particular "Time is a thief, that never gets caught." You're exactly on the same track I am. I hope you know you are an inspiration, too.
I may be fortunate that I do remember a lot of "lasts" that would otherwise be lost to time. The last time I hung out with the person who was my best friend through much of childhood, but we drifted apart in high school. I remember sitting in her room with the mint green carpet looking into her closet as we chatted about memories. The last time I saw my dad, my parents were visiting us for the weekend to celebrate my kids' birthdays. I gave him a rose to honor his first year smoke free. He said no one had ever given him flowers before. The next weekend, he died unexpectedly - suspected aortic aneurysm. The church was full of flowers. (Don't wait until after a loved one is gone to give them flowers!) The last time my son crawled into my lap for snuggles, he was 8, and I remember thinking there wouldn't be many more moments like that. I remember several lasts that were traumatic events, seared into my mind's eye for all of eternity. Those, I wish I could forget.
There are also the lasts I have no recollection of, as hard as I try. I don't remember the last time I felt completely carefree and able to not worry about someone who needed me to be there for something important. Most recently, I've been tied to my house (I haven't gone on a trip or anywhere overnight in 3 years) by senior dogs who need medications or other care. I don't remember the last time my house was completely clean and without clutter. I don't remember what it feels like to not have depression just behind the curtain in my mind, waiting to drag me back. I don't remember the last time my kids (in their 30's now and no contact for nearly a year) spoke to each other without an underlying tone, just friendly conversation, treating each other with genuine care and kindness.
This one hits hard. I'm going to try harder going forward to take those mental snapshots, to remember the little things that might become big things someday.
I am so glad you have that, that you know, that you remember. So few of us do, I think. So few people forget to be mindful, forget to pay attention, forget to remember that we can, at any moment, lose it. For those you cannot, isn't it wild how much they affect us, still, though we can't even put our fingers on how much they do. Thank you, for you.
I’ve been reading these-and never able to write.
This one cut me to my soul.
All it takes is for me to not remember the lasts with my kids.
I do have the privilege of knowing the last time my son laid his head in my lap, not feeling well as I ran my fingers through his hair-the action that soothed him to sleep as a child. So I cling to that one.
I know when the last time I watched my daughter walk away from her childhood home.
Oh Samantha, for the cut, I am sorry, but I so hope the healing brings about something new and beautiful and some sense of joy. You're amazing, and we're here if you EVER need.
This 3 part series has been one of your absolute best..... I love love it when I read something that makes me stop and search my mind's archives..... brings me memories both good and bad.... creates many moments of pondering and trying to remember... well done!!!! This should be introduced in a class you do!!!!!🥰🥰🥰
Agreed, this trilogy has been amazing.
Thank you so much marmalade. You're the very best.
Que?
Did Mama TKG drop a breadcrumb? (Hi! I'm Jo)
Class???
Does Kevin know?
Yes! As I was reading the first part, I thought to myself, that’s why it’s so important to BE in every moment, to be present. Then you said exactly that.
Would it be any easier if we knew? If our children gently told us that this would be the last night we read them a story before bed, so we could make sure we made the most of it? If a lover softly told us that this would be our last kiss?
I wonder this so often. If we had the magic 8 ball that could show us our futures, would it make it better? Worse? Or would it cheapen every moment that was NOT that before it?
I think we are forward-thinking people- we need to be - I would be overwhelmed by sadness if I knew which moments were the lasts. At the same time, these words resonated with me: “something we’re doing right now might be the last time we ever do it” - as I write this sitting on the beach with my two “boys” (19 & 23). As you say, for different reasons/ circumstances, this could be our last! Not so many years ago, we spent every sunny afternoon here. While they still go out together, it’s hard for me to be included. Thanks for the reminder to cherish each moment with them.
Oof wow Laura. Here's to every single moment you will cherish. I know you won't forget. I know it.
Ambiguous Loss
When this topic of “lasts we forget to remember” came up, my brain went somewhere radically else. I am a full time care giver since 2015 to my partner of 43 years. We have a full life together, just different from what it was before. My partner suffered two severe hemorrhagic strokes. They survived and spent nearly six months in the hospital and rehab. Their list of chronic deficiencies since then is quite long, but the most debilitating is the loss of short term memory. And superficially, most of what those who knew my partner before the stroke, only saw the losses after. But here’s the thing…. They are still here! And still significantly aware, even if they cannot participate nor communicate like they did before. Yes, they get long term memories mixed up with current ones and cannot find words to express themselves, but if one takes the time and uses others ways to communicate, you realize their basic cognition is still as dynamic as it was in 2015. And when we entered the world of medical therapy for cognitively challenged adults, what we witnesses astounded us, as there is an huge number of people in the same way ( about 800,000 each year just in the US from various types of strokes and about 500,000 from Alzheimer’s/Dementia). So, I’m here to comment about what is left for both care-receivers and caregivers after such life changing events, where the separation of death is not what you are left to deal with, but what is called “ambiguous loss”. It is called this because it is not one loss, but many that are faced without a certain knowledge of an endpoint. And it can be more challenging to some than death itself. If we appreciate that there are a lot of people with cognitive injuries or disease who are “still here”, and deserve the efforts to find new therapies, then this comment is not so much about what memories are lost, but what memories can be gained. Until then, most of what we have to cling to is hope… and there is always hope!
The day you never left
There were no tears to fall
when you left memory behind
What filled my mind that day
was the life we had, lost,
and would gain again.
I expected grief to fill my soul
but hope showed up instead.
For I saw it through your eyes,
that look of courage saying
“hold on, I’m still here’!
If we may have lost our way,
It’s just fine where we’re going.
So ,now it must be different
And while that is not okay,
we will make it so.
And if memories make us grieve,
we will add a little hope.
Just so not dwell upon the past
we won’t forget the future too.
That’s the day you never left.
Golden + trifecta now, Sir Kevin of Lightlandia?
Wow. Every kind.
There's a Wendy Mathew's song here that every 90s kid inherited. The other is Daryl Braithwaite. The former is 'the day you went away' & 'horses'.
I think you embody both, and maybe that's why we click 💛💚
Kevin I love when your mind goes radically off the rails I set. It makes for the most keen insights for the rest of us, the most impactul bits of your writing. Just like this is. It surprises me not at all that you ended with Hope. You always do.
I need to put this in writing before part three will possibly wreck me.
I like to hope there's another version of 2025 Lane x Dave in another universe. Replace the Bible with Wicked. That the fever dream Summer is actually sustainable.
We just burnt so bright & I like to think we were exactly what the other needed during a really tumultuous time. I forget that even though we have so much shared history & we essentially crammed 5.5 years into a Summer.
We took care of, and tried to handle one another with care. We're still the playwright & the wordsmith. Of course it was gonna be rough when setting a friendship on fire.
I think all we can do is handle each other with care, all we can focus on is what we put out. That's it. That's all.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t have any of those forgotten lasts. Some don’t matter so I don’t bother trying to remember.
In its own way, the lasts we forgot might be the hardest. I’ve had too many people fade out of my life without ever knowing why. For better or worse, it has made me hyper aware that every interaction with someone could be the last time.
I wish I could better articulate my response to this one, I’m just finding it harder than I thought it would be.
I think the forgotten lasts have made it hard for me to want to have any meaningful firsts.
You're so right on the money. The hardest losses, the hardest people we somehow lose without knowing way, they always sting the most. Our awareness shapes our world, our future, our life. Thank you for this.
I see your haiku and came up with my own, inspired by this delightful 3 part series. Thank you as always for being so insightful and helping the world to see and ponder different perspectives.
I was blessed to pick up a cousin from the airport last night. Many would consider it a hassle instead of a blessing, but neither of us could remember the last time we had gotten to see one another in person. He relocated from Michigan to California nearly 20 years ago and life just has a way of lifing right along until you realize, wait a minute I don't remember how long it's been since I've sat in my grandma's living room?! Or whatever the case. So yes, picking up my cousin and catching up on nearly 20 years of landmark life progress including loves, births of children, and deaths were all discussed. I can't remember where I heard it, but one of the truest statements I've ever heard is this: the days go slow, but the years go fast. Here's my haiku for your amusement. You're an inspiration to all of us.
Time a fickle thing
Thief of so much memory
Where does it all go
Tami this is so beautiful. I've always said, in one poem in particular "Time is a thief, that never gets caught." You're exactly on the same track I am. I hope you know you are an inspiration, too.
I may be fortunate that I do remember a lot of "lasts" that would otherwise be lost to time. The last time I hung out with the person who was my best friend through much of childhood, but we drifted apart in high school. I remember sitting in her room with the mint green carpet looking into her closet as we chatted about memories. The last time I saw my dad, my parents were visiting us for the weekend to celebrate my kids' birthdays. I gave him a rose to honor his first year smoke free. He said no one had ever given him flowers before. The next weekend, he died unexpectedly - suspected aortic aneurysm. The church was full of flowers. (Don't wait until after a loved one is gone to give them flowers!) The last time my son crawled into my lap for snuggles, he was 8, and I remember thinking there wouldn't be many more moments like that. I remember several lasts that were traumatic events, seared into my mind's eye for all of eternity. Those, I wish I could forget.
There are also the lasts I have no recollection of, as hard as I try. I don't remember the last time I felt completely carefree and able to not worry about someone who needed me to be there for something important. Most recently, I've been tied to my house (I haven't gone on a trip or anywhere overnight in 3 years) by senior dogs who need medications or other care. I don't remember the last time my house was completely clean and without clutter. I don't remember what it feels like to not have depression just behind the curtain in my mind, waiting to drag me back. I don't remember the last time my kids (in their 30's now and no contact for nearly a year) spoke to each other without an underlying tone, just friendly conversation, treating each other with genuine care and kindness.
This one hits hard. I'm going to try harder going forward to take those mental snapshots, to remember the little things that might become big things someday.
I am so glad you have that, that you know, that you remember. So few of us do, I think. So few people forget to be mindful, forget to pay attention, forget to remember that we can, at any moment, lose it. For those you cannot, isn't it wild how much they affect us, still, though we can't even put our fingers on how much they do. Thank you, for you.
The lasts ...
The last time, place, and thing I sang with my mother. The last time we laughed together.
The last time my daughter held my hand when we crossed the street.
The last time I even spoke to my late brother. Did I tell him I loved him?
The last time I had a shot of tequila.
The last time I walked the beach with my father telling me stories about the piping plovers.
The last time I hugged my living brother or spoke to him on the phone. [We email]
The last time I kept what I had to say short, with fewer roundabout stories mingled in. :-D
Wow. Just wow. I love this.