Well, thank you. I am humbled by the reference. For whatever reason, when reading you essay, I kept thinking if enjoying a glorious dish of spaghetti and meatballs at a small neighborhood Italian restaurant. Maybe it’s because I have been watching all the wonderful cuisine and cultural segments with Stanley Tucci during broadcast of the Olympics in Italy this month. But, I do love how you take one thought and create such a rich and savory message from the many ingredients of life. Like every wonderful Italian dinner we ever enjoyed. So many sensations and moments to cherish, captured in context with flowing and comforting words. And just the right amount of spice to leave that feeling on your tongue well after digesting its meaning. In the end we must leave the restaurant and face the harsh elements outside. But then again, perhaps that why God made desserts (via life’s cannolis) and after dinner refreshments (the reflection of expresso ), as one last joy before getting back to the grind…
Just like your essay proclaims to liken “personal happiness” to “our own permission to be ourselves”, I agree we must decide to choose who we are and how we live our lives. No one else can truly make those decisions for us. When we do that, that quirky happiness may not be the same as anybody else’s, but we can be content within our own. Perhaps like our own recipe for spaghetti and meatballs?
You bring so much to this place, it's high time you were praised Very publicly for it. ;) I love that your brain took you to a delicious meal when you read this! What a beautiful thing, the way our minds move. Thank you for your CONSTANT WISDOM!
I read this essay and my first thought was "I think you're right". The messages around what will make our lives worthy or satisfying or whole have been shifting- for years.
I noticed this profoundly when I went camping in the wilds of our national parks. I hadn't noticed that all my endeavors in my daily life were oriented around comfort and ease. When I thrust myself into the backcountry there was little comfort and less ease - I'd never been camping before. I found that even though it was hard and cold I was also so happy and alive. We need to challenge and question the narratives we've become comfortable with and, at least occasionally, embrace a little discomfort to see what else is out there.
It's so strange the shift! I've been clocking them, and alternating between calm and worried and back again haha. Isn't it beautiful that we're so much MORE alive the more we're actually Part of this wild world, not insulated from it? What a lesson in that.
This is a hard one for me. I originally wasn’t going to comment but that’s the whole point of this right? I wholeheartedly agree that children should be taught about the pursuit of happiness, but I have to push back on choosing to be happy.
Choosing to be happy requires lying to yourself. Throughout life I’ve had friends and best friends come and go. Connections I’ve tried to keep just don’t seem as important to them as they did to me. You can only try so much before having to give up. If you serve and serve and serve without ever getting a hit back, the ball eventually just stays in the other court. I told myself I was okay being alone, but one day I woke up and realized how miserable I really was. I like my alone time, but when it’s 90% of the time, alone does start to equal lonely. I really only have two friends who ever seem to want to talk or hang out. I don’t really see either as often as I’d like, but I cherish the time we do get. Knowing I’m the common denominator in the relationships I can’t seem to maintain makes me wonder what is wrong with me and what I could change. If I have to change myself for these people, were they ever really friends in the first place?
All I can choose is to not do things I know will make me unhappy. This can lead to some catch 22s but that’s the way it goes.
Good points about real feelings. I would acknowledge it’s hard to “feel” happy when bad things happen to us. That’s a given. But the essence of Lincoln’s statement is that one doesn’t wait for happiness to come to us, we have to pursue it. Or another way to express that is that it is found in the journey, not the destination. Perhaps it might resonate if I share the “choice” in a another way. Along the line of though that humans are determinate beings (with the capacity for rationale thought and moral agency)… If life is just about “what happens to us” (good or bad), then where in it do we take ownership or action over our emotional state? If we allow ourselves to grieve , then that is a choice (albeit not a satisfying one). So it is with the pursuit of happiness - that intention becomes the choice. Another part of this is radical responsibility: where one believes that while we cannot control everything that happens to us, we do have control over how we react ( see Viktor Frankl), or as my father used to say, “ never give up and never give in. It may not be blissful happiness, but it’s also not fearful unhappiness.
I understand the sentiment, I just disagree with it. To me, it’s a lot like being told to “pick yourself up by your bootstraps.” I acknowledge there are things we can all do to better our lives, but there is only so much we can do. A lot of that is superficial. I can do things I enjoy. I can exercise and eat better to feel a little better about my body. None of this will make me less lonely. If loneliness is my main source of unhappiness what then? I can’t choose to not be alone. I reach out to people and feel great about it for a day. Then days and weeks and months go by with nothing and I just feel worse. So what do I do if in pursuing happiness, I just get sadder? I’m not Charlie Brown. I quit trying to kick the ball.
You hit the nail on the head here, and I DO believe (though you can still disagree!) that you have your own answer IN your statement: "There's only so much we can do." That's it. Exactly it. We can only do so much, control so much, give so much. After that, detaching from the results of that, from the reciprocation of that, Choosing that detachment, is the only way to lasting peace. And I always go back to the idea that perhaps if the pursuit you're pursuing is only leading to more heartache, then you're on the wrong journey with the wrong people, like Kevin said above. It means choosing to find a different place for that happiness. That peace.
I love you and I love this space but I guess this is one we will have to disagree on the finer points. There is a reason “they” say money can’t buy happiness. It’s a nuanced argument but I suppose saying to choose happiness is as well. I can choose moments. If someone says or does something I don’t like, I can choose to let it go and not let it ruin my day. I can choose to stop and look at a flower or watch a squirrel run up a tree. Little things that might bring a little joy into my day. I can choose to not think about the why/how/what of it all that might make me unhappy. Just because I’m choosing to not be unhappy all the time doesn’t mean I’m happy in an overall way.
I'm always, always here for disagreeing :) My only advice: Just start as small as you possibly need, and if that's moments, that's moments. I keep a list of "tiny perfect moments" so I always keep reminding myself to write them down, to notice them, to try to just save them for when I feel I don't have many ahead or left. I hope so much those moments grow to more moments , and then maybe take over and before you know it, it's just generally happy all around. We're here to try to help too, and I hope you know that.
Absolutely the whole point! I always want honest and open dialogue, especially if people think I'm wrong! :) If I were to respond to your very good points, I'd just have to offer this, and go back to Buddhism to do so. In Buddhism, the first truth is basically highlighted by all you said: Life IS suffering. The second truth though, is that the source of this suffering is our attachments, our grasping. That can be grasping to so many things, to the ideas of reciprocation, to the ideas of fairness, to the ideas that we shouldn't "have to" suffer, when in reality, it all comes back to it. So in this case, "Choosing" happiness might feel like lying to yourself, OR, if you go the Buddhist route, it's more that you're choosing to acknowledge the suffering, but no longer be controlled or consumed by it. Maybe then, real relief, real happiness comes? I don't know, I'm still learning, but I believe this.
So well said! With my children I have always tried to let them experience disappointment, frustration and sadness because it is part of life, but I have always, no matter what, talked about it with them. Whatever the topic. I might have shielded them from horrors but never the topic. Never thought that was a good idea, and always wanted them to know we can talk about anything, good or bad, happy or sad 🎵and will continue that. It always shocked me that their friends didn’t know things that were going on in the world, or too embarrassed to talk about it, and I think it not only helps them in life, it helps them talk to people, to not be afraid to ask questions or speak their mind. Be sure with 4 kids within 4 years of each other, we definitely did not all agree. Sadly, now we see so much instantly and I hate it. My girls have deleted social media often for weeks because it becomes to much. Even I think how much more can i hear about Ep or ICE - but I don’t want to bury my head. I choose to believe the good, I choose to be happy and I pray others look for the light and the happiness in themselves every night.
Amy it sounds like you're just absolutely nailing this. I agree in hiding the horrors and their details, but teaching the lessons. The more open the conversation, the more it moves the needle. Thank you for that. We have the same mentality with Henry and Addie and always have. Here's to the light. Here's to the choice.
Today, and many days recently before this one, I allowed myself to let go of bringing my daughter [or many others] joy, or not. I let go the need to soften a possible edge in favor of sparing myself some discomfort if anything goes sideways. It was simple, allow her to get up when she desired and allow the plumbers to turn off the water before she could use the bathroom.
In the end, it all worked out fine and dandy. In the end, I am relieved of the worry that overtakes me.
More and more, I am taking 'worry' and letting go of wanting to smooth out the blankets I would so willfully give. I am letting go of the 'need' to nurture and allowing others to nurture themselves ... or not ... as it seems fit.
Things will be as they will be without my worries. Things will always work out the way they are meant to. Deep sigh. I surrender to the process of happiness ... or not.
Well, thank you. I am humbled by the reference. For whatever reason, when reading you essay, I kept thinking if enjoying a glorious dish of spaghetti and meatballs at a small neighborhood Italian restaurant. Maybe it’s because I have been watching all the wonderful cuisine and cultural segments with Stanley Tucci during broadcast of the Olympics in Italy this month. But, I do love how you take one thought and create such a rich and savory message from the many ingredients of life. Like every wonderful Italian dinner we ever enjoyed. So many sensations and moments to cherish, captured in context with flowing and comforting words. And just the right amount of spice to leave that feeling on your tongue well after digesting its meaning. In the end we must leave the restaurant and face the harsh elements outside. But then again, perhaps that why God made desserts (via life’s cannolis) and after dinner refreshments (the reflection of expresso ), as one last joy before getting back to the grind…
Just like your essay proclaims to liken “personal happiness” to “our own permission to be ourselves”, I agree we must decide to choose who we are and how we live our lives. No one else can truly make those decisions for us. When we do that, that quirky happiness may not be the same as anybody else’s, but we can be content within our own. Perhaps like our own recipe for spaghetti and meatballs?
Pasta and meatballs:
Savory goodness to taste.
Yet, like life - messy!
Beyond the rainbow…
Happiness is not just love.
We live for purpose
You bring so much to this place, it's high time you were praised Very publicly for it. ;) I love that your brain took you to a delicious meal when you read this! What a beautiful thing, the way our minds move. Thank you for your CONSTANT WISDOM!
I read this essay and my first thought was "I think you're right". The messages around what will make our lives worthy or satisfying or whole have been shifting- for years.
I noticed this profoundly when I went camping in the wilds of our national parks. I hadn't noticed that all my endeavors in my daily life were oriented around comfort and ease. When I thrust myself into the backcountry there was little comfort and less ease - I'd never been camping before. I found that even though it was hard and cold I was also so happy and alive. We need to challenge and question the narratives we've become comfortable with and, at least occasionally, embrace a little discomfort to see what else is out there.
It's so strange the shift! I've been clocking them, and alternating between calm and worried and back again haha. Isn't it beautiful that we're so much MORE alive the more we're actually Part of this wild world, not insulated from it? What a lesson in that.
This is a hard one for me. I originally wasn’t going to comment but that’s the whole point of this right? I wholeheartedly agree that children should be taught about the pursuit of happiness, but I have to push back on choosing to be happy.
Choosing to be happy requires lying to yourself. Throughout life I’ve had friends and best friends come and go. Connections I’ve tried to keep just don’t seem as important to them as they did to me. You can only try so much before having to give up. If you serve and serve and serve without ever getting a hit back, the ball eventually just stays in the other court. I told myself I was okay being alone, but one day I woke up and realized how miserable I really was. I like my alone time, but when it’s 90% of the time, alone does start to equal lonely. I really only have two friends who ever seem to want to talk or hang out. I don’t really see either as often as I’d like, but I cherish the time we do get. Knowing I’m the common denominator in the relationships I can’t seem to maintain makes me wonder what is wrong with me and what I could change. If I have to change myself for these people, were they ever really friends in the first place?
All I can choose is to not do things I know will make me unhappy. This can lead to some catch 22s but that’s the way it goes.
Good points about real feelings. I would acknowledge it’s hard to “feel” happy when bad things happen to us. That’s a given. But the essence of Lincoln’s statement is that one doesn’t wait for happiness to come to us, we have to pursue it. Or another way to express that is that it is found in the journey, not the destination. Perhaps it might resonate if I share the “choice” in a another way. Along the line of though that humans are determinate beings (with the capacity for rationale thought and moral agency)… If life is just about “what happens to us” (good or bad), then where in it do we take ownership or action over our emotional state? If we allow ourselves to grieve , then that is a choice (albeit not a satisfying one). So it is with the pursuit of happiness - that intention becomes the choice. Another part of this is radical responsibility: where one believes that while we cannot control everything that happens to us, we do have control over how we react ( see Viktor Frankl), or as my father used to say, “ never give up and never give in. It may not be blissful happiness, but it’s also not fearful unhappiness.
Yes, yes, and yes. I went Eastern, you went Western, and together we met in the middle, methinks. :)
I understand the sentiment, I just disagree with it. To me, it’s a lot like being told to “pick yourself up by your bootstraps.” I acknowledge there are things we can all do to better our lives, but there is only so much we can do. A lot of that is superficial. I can do things I enjoy. I can exercise and eat better to feel a little better about my body. None of this will make me less lonely. If loneliness is my main source of unhappiness what then? I can’t choose to not be alone. I reach out to people and feel great about it for a day. Then days and weeks and months go by with nothing and I just feel worse. So what do I do if in pursuing happiness, I just get sadder? I’m not Charlie Brown. I quit trying to kick the ball.
You hit the nail on the head here, and I DO believe (though you can still disagree!) that you have your own answer IN your statement: "There's only so much we can do." That's it. Exactly it. We can only do so much, control so much, give so much. After that, detaching from the results of that, from the reciprocation of that, Choosing that detachment, is the only way to lasting peace. And I always go back to the idea that perhaps if the pursuit you're pursuing is only leading to more heartache, then you're on the wrong journey with the wrong people, like Kevin said above. It means choosing to find a different place for that happiness. That peace.
I love you and I love this space but I guess this is one we will have to disagree on the finer points. There is a reason “they” say money can’t buy happiness. It’s a nuanced argument but I suppose saying to choose happiness is as well. I can choose moments. If someone says or does something I don’t like, I can choose to let it go and not let it ruin my day. I can choose to stop and look at a flower or watch a squirrel run up a tree. Little things that might bring a little joy into my day. I can choose to not think about the why/how/what of it all that might make me unhappy. Just because I’m choosing to not be unhappy all the time doesn’t mean I’m happy in an overall way.
I'm always, always here for disagreeing :) My only advice: Just start as small as you possibly need, and if that's moments, that's moments. I keep a list of "tiny perfect moments" so I always keep reminding myself to write them down, to notice them, to try to just save them for when I feel I don't have many ahead or left. I hope so much those moments grow to more moments , and then maybe take over and before you know it, it's just generally happy all around. We're here to try to help too, and I hope you know that.
Absolutely the whole point! I always want honest and open dialogue, especially if people think I'm wrong! :) If I were to respond to your very good points, I'd just have to offer this, and go back to Buddhism to do so. In Buddhism, the first truth is basically highlighted by all you said: Life IS suffering. The second truth though, is that the source of this suffering is our attachments, our grasping. That can be grasping to so many things, to the ideas of reciprocation, to the ideas of fairness, to the ideas that we shouldn't "have to" suffer, when in reality, it all comes back to it. So in this case, "Choosing" happiness might feel like lying to yourself, OR, if you go the Buddhist route, it's more that you're choosing to acknowledge the suffering, but no longer be controlled or consumed by it. Maybe then, real relief, real happiness comes? I don't know, I'm still learning, but I believe this.
YES, Kevin. A wee spotlight for our sage.
Building the happiness we deserve? I see that Wallflower tweak, TKG. Nice 🤍
;) You seeee!
So well said! With my children I have always tried to let them experience disappointment, frustration and sadness because it is part of life, but I have always, no matter what, talked about it with them. Whatever the topic. I might have shielded them from horrors but never the topic. Never thought that was a good idea, and always wanted them to know we can talk about anything, good or bad, happy or sad 🎵and will continue that. It always shocked me that their friends didn’t know things that were going on in the world, or too embarrassed to talk about it, and I think it not only helps them in life, it helps them talk to people, to not be afraid to ask questions or speak their mind. Be sure with 4 kids within 4 years of each other, we definitely did not all agree. Sadly, now we see so much instantly and I hate it. My girls have deleted social media often for weeks because it becomes to much. Even I think how much more can i hear about Ep or ICE - but I don’t want to bury my head. I choose to believe the good, I choose to be happy and I pray others look for the light and the happiness in themselves every night.
Amy it sounds like you're just absolutely nailing this. I agree in hiding the horrors and their details, but teaching the lessons. The more open the conversation, the more it moves the needle. Thank you for that. We have the same mentality with Henry and Addie and always have. Here's to the light. Here's to the choice.
Today, and many days recently before this one, I allowed myself to let go of bringing my daughter [or many others] joy, or not. I let go the need to soften a possible edge in favor of sparing myself some discomfort if anything goes sideways. It was simple, allow her to get up when she desired and allow the plumbers to turn off the water before she could use the bathroom.
In the end, it all worked out fine and dandy. In the end, I am relieved of the worry that overtakes me.
More and more, I am taking 'worry' and letting go of wanting to smooth out the blankets I would so willfully give. I am letting go of the 'need' to nurture and allowing others to nurture themselves ... or not ... as it seems fit.
Things will be as they will be without my worries. Things will always work out the way they are meant to. Deep sigh. I surrender to the process of happiness ... or not.