How timely as this has been on my mind a lot as of late. You describe this perfectly! I will preface this by saying I'm 67 years old, so I have experienced a few relationships in my time. While solitude has the connotation of being alone while nobody bothers you, the solitude you describe is something I have experienced with a partner that I am so aligned and comfortable with, that we feel like one (solo/solitude). No talking necessary, I can just "be". I have also been in a relationship with a person that I feel so misaligned with that I have felt very lonely in that relationship and the silence from lack of talking is deafening.
I hope ALL you have, is all you need, and you never have to deal with the misalignment again. I truly do. Thank you for this, and for being part of this community.
I think love goes through seasons. Some seasons, everything is sunshine and growth, flowers blooming and the feeling of renewal. Those are the easy seasons. The seasons that require such little effort that it can be simple to become complacent and a little too comfortable.
Some seasons are more challenging; those dark days when you are struggling to find the light and reminding yourself that brighter days are ahead. It is in that season that it is important to keep seeking the little glimmers of why you continue to keep moving forward with the person you love; sometimes in solitude while still very much together.
Finding that love that will stick by your side through all of the seasons, in the lightness and the darkness is truly is a gift.
So beautifully said, and I actually completely agree. All things ebb, flow, shift, move, and grow. This is a wonderful way of saying it, of seeing it. Here's to those that make those seasons beautiful.
Yes! The right person nourishes and recharges you the way nothing else can.
I have had 2 serious love relationships in my life. I met my first husband when I was 15 and we were together for 20 tumultuous years. Neither of us knew any better and I thought it was normal to cry myself to sleep at night next to him, to be right beside him but feel utterly alone.
I met my forever love at 38. Our love is easy, peaceful, safe. When my head gets too loud he quiets me with a hug or a hand to hold. When the world gets too bright, he hands me a pair of sunglasses. I never, ever feel alone anymore.
Oh Kit, this is magical and so are you. Thank you for this, for showing others who have not yet been where you are, that it's worth admitting out loud when you find it.
Beautiful! Although I’ve had a couple great loves, what you describe is what my soul longs for and holds out for…so at 53, I’m still alone and comfortable with this choice.
This one feels so timely! I have settled. I felt more lonely in that settling than I have ever felt when I am alone. I adore my solitude. I cannot live without it. I need so much solitude in order to sometimes be a person around other people. I love my aloneness far more than any relationship I have ever been in. And I would not trade the peace of my solitude now, not for anyone, unless their presence felt as spacious as my solitude, as gentle as the sound of my own breathing on a Sunday morning when sunlight is slipping between the blinds and I am free to wake up slowly, unbothered, in the middle of the bed.
Oh Sam. I am so sorry for that feeling, for knowing you are sediment at the bottom instead of the bubbles that keep floating up and out. I am so happy you recognized it, you let it go. Thank you for this peek into your life and heart.
Thank you, Tyler. As always, you expressed something beautifully that I've been knocking around my brain for some time. I don't know if I've ever experienced that feeling, feeling that solitude I long for when I'm around someone else. Friends or lovers. Or even family. I think that's the sorrow that lives within me. That I'm afraid that I'll end up alone if I can't find this. That there's something deeply wrong with me if I don't feel comfortable around the people I love the most.
I do always feel like I'm “on”. That so much of my anxiety comes from trying to make sure I'm acting and speaking in a way that doesn't bother anyone else. And I'm usually pretty good at that, even if it exhausts me. But when I'm around the people I'm closest to, I somewhat drop the mask and, more often than not, that pisses them off. I'm not nice enough, not polite enough, too emotional, etc etc. And then I think, why do I have so much trouble finding joy and peace in the moment? Why can't I just be present and not be anxious? I can when I'm alone, why not with others?
Maybe I just haven't found my people. Maybe I never will. I don't want to feel like I'm always trying so hard. Life is hard enough as it is. I thought I was being dramatic for thinking I might be better off alone, but maybe I'm just learning as I get older that I’d rather protect my peace than fight to make peace with others day in and day out.
Lots to think about. Thank you for sharing. I am so grateful to know that a love like yours and Sarah's exists 💖
If you've not yet, I know you will. IT might not come at the right time, it can really f with you that way, I hope you have the courage to still call it Right. Time knows not of love, never bothers with it, we have to remind it. You'll find what you're missing, what your soul needs, I know this. I KNOW this.
Silly me, as I first read the title as “love IS solitude “, which stirred some confusion deep inside. Then I waited patiently to get to the final
Haiku, and realized that I misread the title, and the actual theme to your essay was “love AS solitude”. My body immediately relaxed and I blurted out, “Well, duh, of course!” I do believe that love transcends two individuals into one, making them whole. Thus, “duh!”… when we come together as one, we are not alone, but we are secluded as a couple ( or throuple, if you are into that). But your argument is solid professor!
Love. oh! dear sweet love! Love is alone. I sure do love quick and hard. Love as a mom? Its expansive and endless. You don't love one child more...YOU love more. maybe you might have a bit of a favorite?(giggle)
Where is my love right now? Struggling to love myself, which means, the love I am given? I must not be worthy of love. AND then I am the only thing standing in the way.
I have been married 3 TIMES!!! Always believing that there is a happy every after for everyone. The real kicker for me is the love that TKG describes? It's the most beautiful thing. I've experienced only once with someone that now is thousands of miles away. It creates a fissure in my heart. But hearts are resilient aren't they?
Oh man your opening, wonderful stuff here. I hope you re-find the reasons to love yourself. I promise there are a million, and I promise we see them. Hearts are resilient, and my goodness they know to bend.
This part tho: “ Maybe, if you can’t find a love that feels as good as solitude, you might be better off alone?” I’m married to my high school sweetheart. We have two amazing kids. But. This.
I love this so much, and can relate. I also need alone time to recharge, and for years I was chasing the anxiety-fuelled, movie kind of love. The moment I met my partner, a wave of calm washed over me, and I thought, "Oh. This." My nervous system settled. I was at ease. We of course have our ups and downs, but ultimately I'm at peace with him. It's such a gift.
Oh, I love this. As someone who also relishes in solitude & has a weak social battery, I wholeheartedly agree that love should feel this way. Thank you for these words.
Whenever I was at my crowd's parties, or the ones I threw myself, I would always find the one person I knew I could be "still" with. To watch her knit or sew the latest Ren fest apparel. Sarah. She was the partner of a longtime college friend, and she never quite felt at home at these parties. But she was always my island in the oasis of chaos. Not that I didn't love my friends ... but, you know ... sometimes it was just too much friendliness, and Sarah, whether we talked or not, recharged me in ways that no one else could at the time. She's moved away. The whole crowd moved away, actually, and now it is just me [and my family] ... kinda wishing for that chaos again [There was always a summer solstice party after my Memorial Day party ... and here it is almost the solstice.] I miss those days.
And hey! ... an oasis of chaos? What the hell is that? ... but those >are< the right words. My friends were my oasis. Someplace I could just be me. But it was a large group of extroverts. Hence, the chaos.
For me, love is a verb. I even have it stitched onto the collar of a sloppy joe (sweatshirt in Not Australian).
And, maybe it's in the showing up & the beats that aren't filled with words. The quiet of being seen, and having safe harbour to show up exactly as we are.
I hope we all have stillness & quiet when we need it.
How timely as this has been on my mind a lot as of late. You describe this perfectly! I will preface this by saying I'm 67 years old, so I have experienced a few relationships in my time. While solitude has the connotation of being alone while nobody bothers you, the solitude you describe is something I have experienced with a partner that I am so aligned and comfortable with, that we feel like one (solo/solitude). No talking necessary, I can just "be". I have also been in a relationship with a person that I feel so misaligned with that I have felt very lonely in that relationship and the silence from lack of talking is deafening.
I hope ALL you have, is all you need, and you never have to deal with the misalignment again. I truly do. Thank you for this, and for being part of this community.
I think love goes through seasons. Some seasons, everything is sunshine and growth, flowers blooming and the feeling of renewal. Those are the easy seasons. The seasons that require such little effort that it can be simple to become complacent and a little too comfortable.
Some seasons are more challenging; those dark days when you are struggling to find the light and reminding yourself that brighter days are ahead. It is in that season that it is important to keep seeking the little glimmers of why you continue to keep moving forward with the person you love; sometimes in solitude while still very much together.
Finding that love that will stick by your side through all of the seasons, in the lightness and the darkness is truly is a gift.
So beautifully said, and I actually completely agree. All things ebb, flow, shift, move, and grow. This is a wonderful way of saying it, of seeing it. Here's to those that make those seasons beautiful.
Yes! The right person nourishes and recharges you the way nothing else can.
I have had 2 serious love relationships in my life. I met my first husband when I was 15 and we were together for 20 tumultuous years. Neither of us knew any better and I thought it was normal to cry myself to sleep at night next to him, to be right beside him but feel utterly alone.
I met my forever love at 38. Our love is easy, peaceful, safe. When my head gets too loud he quiets me with a hug or a hand to hold. When the world gets too bright, he hands me a pair of sunglasses. I never, ever feel alone anymore.
Oh Kit, this is magical and so are you. Thank you for this, for showing others who have not yet been where you are, that it's worth admitting out loud when you find it.
Beautiful! Although I’ve had a couple great loves, what you describe is what my soul longs for and holds out for…so at 53, I’m still alone and comfortable with this choice.
You are magic, and you deserve nothing short of it. It'll come, and I cannot wait to photograph it when it does.
Oh Tyler, yes, yes yes, to you and Lady G honoring me with your images!
This one feels so timely! I have settled. I felt more lonely in that settling than I have ever felt when I am alone. I adore my solitude. I cannot live without it. I need so much solitude in order to sometimes be a person around other people. I love my aloneness far more than any relationship I have ever been in. And I would not trade the peace of my solitude now, not for anyone, unless their presence felt as spacious as my solitude, as gentle as the sound of my own breathing on a Sunday morning when sunlight is slipping between the blinds and I am free to wake up slowly, unbothered, in the middle of the bed.
Oh Sam. I am so sorry for that feeling, for knowing you are sediment at the bottom instead of the bubbles that keep floating up and out. I am so happy you recognized it, you let it go. Thank you for this peek into your life and heart.
Thank you, Tyler. As always, you expressed something beautifully that I've been knocking around my brain for some time. I don't know if I've ever experienced that feeling, feeling that solitude I long for when I'm around someone else. Friends or lovers. Or even family. I think that's the sorrow that lives within me. That I'm afraid that I'll end up alone if I can't find this. That there's something deeply wrong with me if I don't feel comfortable around the people I love the most.
I do always feel like I'm “on”. That so much of my anxiety comes from trying to make sure I'm acting and speaking in a way that doesn't bother anyone else. And I'm usually pretty good at that, even if it exhausts me. But when I'm around the people I'm closest to, I somewhat drop the mask and, more often than not, that pisses them off. I'm not nice enough, not polite enough, too emotional, etc etc. And then I think, why do I have so much trouble finding joy and peace in the moment? Why can't I just be present and not be anxious? I can when I'm alone, why not with others?
Maybe I just haven't found my people. Maybe I never will. I don't want to feel like I'm always trying so hard. Life is hard enough as it is. I thought I was being dramatic for thinking I might be better off alone, but maybe I'm just learning as I get older that I’d rather protect my peace than fight to make peace with others day in and day out.
Lots to think about. Thank you for sharing. I am so grateful to know that a love like yours and Sarah's exists 💖
If you've not yet, I know you will. IT might not come at the right time, it can really f with you that way, I hope you have the courage to still call it Right. Time knows not of love, never bothers with it, we have to remind it. You'll find what you're missing, what your soul needs, I know this. I KNOW this.
Silly me, as I first read the title as “love IS solitude “, which stirred some confusion deep inside. Then I waited patiently to get to the final
Haiku, and realized that I misread the title, and the actual theme to your essay was “love AS solitude”. My body immediately relaxed and I blurted out, “Well, duh, of course!” I do believe that love transcends two individuals into one, making them whole. Thus, “duh!”… when we come together as one, we are not alone, but we are secluded as a couple ( or throuple, if you are into that). But your argument is solid professor!
:) I love a duh. Alone together, always alone together. And who doesn't love a throuple? hahaha
Love. oh! dear sweet love! Love is alone. I sure do love quick and hard. Love as a mom? Its expansive and endless. You don't love one child more...YOU love more. maybe you might have a bit of a favorite?(giggle)
Where is my love right now? Struggling to love myself, which means, the love I am given? I must not be worthy of love. AND then I am the only thing standing in the way.
I have been married 3 TIMES!!! Always believing that there is a happy every after for everyone. The real kicker for me is the love that TKG describes? It's the most beautiful thing. I've experienced only once with someone that now is thousands of miles away. It creates a fissure in my heart. But hearts are resilient aren't they?
Oh man your opening, wonderful stuff here. I hope you re-find the reasons to love yourself. I promise there are a million, and I promise we see them. Hearts are resilient, and my goodness they know to bend.
This part tho: “ Maybe, if you can’t find a love that feels as good as solitude, you might be better off alone?” I’m married to my high school sweetheart. We have two amazing kids. But. This.
Oh man. Should you ever need an ear, you know I got some.
I love this so much, and can relate. I also need alone time to recharge, and for years I was chasing the anxiety-fuelled, movie kind of love. The moment I met my partner, a wave of calm washed over me, and I thought, "Oh. This." My nervous system settled. I was at ease. We of course have our ups and downs, but ultimately I'm at peace with him. It's such a gift.
Oh, I love this. As someone who also relishes in solitude & has a weak social battery, I wholeheartedly agree that love should feel this way. Thank you for these words.
Happy Swiftday! (It's the afternoon of the day after in Sydney). I love how you show up. And, how you know what works best for you 💜💜
😍😍 yay! How have you been? 🖤
I've been taking it easier this Winter, which is so lovely. How has Summer been for you & yours? 💜
Whenever I was at my crowd's parties, or the ones I threw myself, I would always find the one person I knew I could be "still" with. To watch her knit or sew the latest Ren fest apparel. Sarah. She was the partner of a longtime college friend, and she never quite felt at home at these parties. But she was always my island in the oasis of chaos. Not that I didn't love my friends ... but, you know ... sometimes it was just too much friendliness, and Sarah, whether we talked or not, recharged me in ways that no one else could at the time. She's moved away. The whole crowd moved away, actually, and now it is just me [and my family] ... kinda wishing for that chaos again [There was always a summer solstice party after my Memorial Day party ... and here it is almost the solstice.] I miss those days.
And hey! ... an oasis of chaos? What the hell is that? ... but those >are< the right words. My friends were my oasis. Someplace I could just be me. But it was a large group of extroverts. Hence, the chaos.
For me, love is a verb. I even have it stitched onto the collar of a sloppy joe (sweatshirt in Not Australian).
And, maybe it's in the showing up & the beats that aren't filled with words. The quiet of being seen, and having safe harbour to show up exactly as we are.
I hope we all have stillness & quiet when we need it.
I would rather be alone than be lonely in a relationship.