As someone who has always been remarkably okay with spending time alone, even in youth, I do find it getting even harder still to have many flourishing, in person friendships. Work is most of life, sadly. Most of the rest of it is reserved for my son. As you said, I love all of them the same, I still cheer for them, I still wish them well. I just only have so much to give and the list of people I give it to is definitely smaller.
I am with you on this front, and the challenge is that so many tell you it's not right, hell even Science tells you it's not healthy haha. I will stick to my guns though, quality over quantity, always. :)
I used to crave large groups of people. At one point in time I truly believed I was only as valuable as the number of people in my life, which looking back I wish I could give my late 20’s self a kiss on the forehead and a giant hug.
I feel as I entered into my 30’s newly married to my gorg wife Cath and living in a new area of the world—I slowly started to realize those “friendships” actually drained me. I loved mostly everyone in my “circle” and it took moving to a cute house tucked in Appalachia for me to discover this.
We have our small little circle of chosen family that we love absolutely dearly and see often currently.
And now, my best friends are the mountains. The waterfalls I swim in that give me cold af hugs. The cute little white squirrels in the early mornings running up trees. Our basement filled with books, essays and poetry. My vinyl collection. My favorite hoodie.
As I age, less is so much more to me and I am grateful to have discovered this about myself.
You’re not alone in this feeling—and we get to tap on our phones within Substack to stay connected. What a funny cool thing you’ve created.
Isn't it fascinating how what we want, what we Need (and the crossover between the two) seems to shift and change as we age? I LOVE that you came to the healthy realization that many of the people we feel a pressure to maintain connection to actually just drain us. Sometimes, it takes SO MUCH WORK to get there, and it takes so long. I love the life you describe, I love it so.
As someone in my mid 20s, I’m finding my friends becoming more and more scattered. Several of my closest friends no longer live in the same state.
I’m someone who loves to be busy, but I’m quickly realizing that I can’t survive on a packed schedule the way I used to. Which is hard. I want to do it all, because I love the things I fill my time with. I’m in a volleyball league, I take guitar lessons, I do yoga, I want to exercise more. I was trying to pour into promoting my poetry book, but between grad school, full-time work, hobbies, and spending time with the people in my life, I realized I wanted to pour into the joys that aren’t for profit more than the joys that are. I had to sacrifice something.
As someone who wants to experience so much and do it around the people I love, it’s hard to see circles shrinking, availability shrinking. As the single friend amongst many married couples or soon-to-be, I’m also realizing that sometimes the circle shrinks before I’m ready for it to. But I’m also grateful for those who stick around. I’m grateful for the reminder that sometimes I have to let go of how MANY things I want to pour into, so that I can focus on how DEEPLY I can pour into few things.
This is a constant battle for me, but one that I feel like forces me to be intentional.
Ahh the diaspora of our twenties, oof. What a bizarre time, as so many also cling so hard to it in those years. So many FIGHT to maintain connections that shouldn't be maintained. I hope the readiness you need and seek comes gently and effortlessly. I hope you find the depth you deserve. :)
I just read a post this morning from “Healthy Seniors” on Substack about an 96 year old British actress Patricia Routledge who passed away this week. It echos some of the sentiments in your piece about what and how we chase things and expectations like we are collecting trinkets, not really developing and sharing relationships, or adding value to others lives.
It was a sanguine story she wrote at age 95 about how her acting life didn’t really “find its voice” until after she turned 50, and how much self doubt that had created in her life prior to that time. She also wrote about being able to find happiness now as “these days begin in peace and end in gratitude.” She had started learning and doing new things at an advanced age because “I still breathe deeply each morning. Laughter remains precious, though I no longer feel the need to make others laugh. Quietness is sweeter than ever.”
She finished her essay with a wish for others to seek what she had found…
“I’m writing this today to share something simple and true: Growing older isn’t a final act—it can be life’s most exquisite chapter if you allow yourself to bloom once more. Let the years ahead be your treasure years. You don’t have to be perfect, famous, or adored. You only need to be present—fully—for the life that’s yours.“
I know the reality of the last period of life may be unhealthy, and some times mind ravaging. It’s sad to be limited at any age. But for those with the means and health to still make life happen, this message is meaningful. Someone close to me said something about a week ago, and it really was meaningful to me. It’s in reference to how I am now supporting a number of others in my retirement (which was a life goal anyway) after many decades of doing mostly for myself.
They said, “I was going to try to talk some sense to you about how much time you spend in support of him (a young person I am mentoring), but after meeting and speaking with him, I wanted to tell you that… if you have the means and can really benefit the life of another person again, then why not do it?”
I didn’t know I needed her permission, but that’s ok… family can be so assuming… lol
Yet, isn’t that the essential question about bringing meaning to a life? It’s not about values, or politics, nor recognition. It’s simply stated ; “if it does good, why not do it?”
My goodness, "Quietness is sweeter than ever." Is such a beautiful thing to say, to feel, to achieve clarity in. I hope you understand that what YOU are to the people who are so lucky to have you in their orbit is so invaluable. You're the $1 coin, in a world of pennies my friend.
I made a dedicated effort this year to do a few weekend trips to see in person and to create new memories with some close friends who I hadn’t seen in years. Otherwise I found myself left with a text or call every few months. This applied only to friendships that I wanted to continue to nurture and added to my energy piggy bank. I’m also open to making new connections as we’re all connected in some way, and you never know who might turn into a life long friend.
I saw a quote “you haven’t met everyone who will love you yet” and that’s reframed the same thinking of yours with never knowing who might turn into a life long friend. Love this mindset!
I learned long ago that not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever. And that is ok. Even now, I get a lot of peace from believing that.
I’ve been finding that one of the most interesting shifts is happening with my friends who are having kids. I love kids, always have, I’ve been an aunt since I was 4, I work with kids as therapy clients, but I don’t want kids. Now being in my early 30’s, many of my oldest and closest friends are parents or soon to be. I suddenly feel this change that they have made this huge decision that alters their life forever, that I will never be a part of. We graduated high school together, went to college, got married (and for me, got divorced). I’m so happy for them, proud of them, and don’t want to be in their shoes, while simultaneously feeling the new degree of separation.
I do still have many close friends without kids, and still find time to connect with those who do. I have a lesser amount of energy dollars and I’m very mindful of who I spend my time with the older I get. My partner is my best friend and we love spending all of our time together, but I love a good friend hang when schedules align.
There's a funny stigma that seems go come when you just admit you don't want kids of your own, and I hope you're NOT experiencing that too much. But I know precisely this shift you're talking about, and it's so weird watching it happen. STarts slow, then explodes, really.
In addition to the sentiment that investing your energy dollars in the people who "get" you the most is valuable, I've found a strong return in investing more of those into myself as I've gotten older and gone through more life. I find cultivating a better knowledge of how I work, and going to the effort of regulating and being kinder with myself and others makes me a better friend, partner, sister, daughter, and aunt to be around for those that are in my circle. It's been eye opening for me to make myself one of the friends I invest in knowing and caring for.
There's a funny turn, everyone's age is different, where we start to see how valuable WE are, and how that precious energy needs to be held, sacredly, for ourselves more. I love that you're seeing that, because YOU deserve it all.
It took me a long time to understand the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I'm 54, and have two friends from high school (we met in the 6th grade) that I'm still in regular contact with, though we live in different states. I've had some friends over the years that we were like peas in a pod for the duration of our friendship, then in a moment of clarity I realized that the relationship was no longer healthy for me and that was it - I walked away. I've got a couple of good friends from different worlds of my life - one I connected with at a job in 1997 and we've been like sisters since and even raised our kids together, the other I met through a sheltie breeder in 2002, and we worked together for a bit and now are great friends and hang out at agility trials on weekends, leaning on each other through the good and bad. Outside that inner circle is a group of people I know less intimately, but we still have things in common and get together a few times a year, but that group is indeed shrinking. Beyond that are the acquaintances who know me through what little I share on social media. If you aren't in one of the smaller circles, you wouldn't know that I struggle with depression and PTSD. I haven't shared publicly that since early September I've been unemployed. Those people don't know that my two adult children are not on speaking terms, and I hate holidays and "forced family functions" (as my daughter calls them) where one or the other of them is missing.
Gone are the days where the nuclear family would get in the car on Sunday and go to Grandma's (or whatever auntie was hosting) for dinner and a gathering of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Extended families and huge summer reunions of everyone within 3 generations gathering are no longer commonplace. I think this also contributes to our shrinking circles, because many of us grew up with our cousins as our closest friends.
I think a result of the self-imposed isolation of an ever shrinking circle is that fewer people know the "real" version of us, and for me, that's okay. I have no need for the spotlight or for everyone to know my business. It also means my support network is smaller, which is a consideration when help is truly needed.
Touche on that first quote. It's so, so, so real. And your "Gone are the days" part really hit hard, and I felt it deeply. Man I long for the simplicity that was.
All my inner circle of friends has moved away ... in distance emotionally and physically. In this movement, contact has become less and less ... maybe a happy birthday text or a like on FB, I am an extra introvert to be sure, but I try to reach out and usually get something short back to a how are you doing. Fine. Busy ... and so on. If something were wrong, surely I would hear from them.
I've kept my family close. Although, my remaining brother is remiss at reaching out, so I do with long emails that are eventually answered in turn. I sent a birthday card to my SIL and only just received notification that she picked it up a couple of weeks ago. I don't presume to know why it took so long. If something were wrong, yet again, surely I would hear of it. Wouldn't I?
I'm not complaining ... I have three very close people. Two close by [my husband and daughter], and one in England who is good at reaching out or answering me.
And, I have myself. My steadfast friend of always. We keep in touch daily {wink}.
As someone who has always been remarkably okay with spending time alone, even in youth, I do find it getting even harder still to have many flourishing, in person friendships. Work is most of life, sadly. Most of the rest of it is reserved for my son. As you said, I love all of them the same, I still cheer for them, I still wish them well. I just only have so much to give and the list of people I give it to is definitely smaller.
I am with you on this front, and the challenge is that so many tell you it's not right, hell even Science tells you it's not healthy haha. I will stick to my guns though, quality over quantity, always. :)
Quality over quantity, always. 🖤🖤
I used to crave large groups of people. At one point in time I truly believed I was only as valuable as the number of people in my life, which looking back I wish I could give my late 20’s self a kiss on the forehead and a giant hug.
I feel as I entered into my 30’s newly married to my gorg wife Cath and living in a new area of the world—I slowly started to realize those “friendships” actually drained me. I loved mostly everyone in my “circle” and it took moving to a cute house tucked in Appalachia for me to discover this.
We have our small little circle of chosen family that we love absolutely dearly and see often currently.
And now, my best friends are the mountains. The waterfalls I swim in that give me cold af hugs. The cute little white squirrels in the early mornings running up trees. Our basement filled with books, essays and poetry. My vinyl collection. My favorite hoodie.
As I age, less is so much more to me and I am grateful to have discovered this about myself.
You’re not alone in this feeling—and we get to tap on our phones within Substack to stay connected. What a funny cool thing you’ve created.
Isn't it fascinating how what we want, what we Need (and the crossover between the two) seems to shift and change as we age? I LOVE that you came to the healthy realization that many of the people we feel a pressure to maintain connection to actually just drain us. Sometimes, it takes SO MUCH WORK to get there, and it takes so long. I love the life you describe, I love it so.
🫂
As someone in my mid 20s, I’m finding my friends becoming more and more scattered. Several of my closest friends no longer live in the same state.
I’m someone who loves to be busy, but I’m quickly realizing that I can’t survive on a packed schedule the way I used to. Which is hard. I want to do it all, because I love the things I fill my time with. I’m in a volleyball league, I take guitar lessons, I do yoga, I want to exercise more. I was trying to pour into promoting my poetry book, but between grad school, full-time work, hobbies, and spending time with the people in my life, I realized I wanted to pour into the joys that aren’t for profit more than the joys that are. I had to sacrifice something.
As someone who wants to experience so much and do it around the people I love, it’s hard to see circles shrinking, availability shrinking. As the single friend amongst many married couples or soon-to-be, I’m also realizing that sometimes the circle shrinks before I’m ready for it to. But I’m also grateful for those who stick around. I’m grateful for the reminder that sometimes I have to let go of how MANY things I want to pour into, so that I can focus on how DEEPLY I can pour into few things.
This is a constant battle for me, but one that I feel like forces me to be intentional.
Ahh the diaspora of our twenties, oof. What a bizarre time, as so many also cling so hard to it in those years. So many FIGHT to maintain connections that shouldn't be maintained. I hope the readiness you need and seek comes gently and effortlessly. I hope you find the depth you deserve. :)
I just read a post this morning from “Healthy Seniors” on Substack about an 96 year old British actress Patricia Routledge who passed away this week. It echos some of the sentiments in your piece about what and how we chase things and expectations like we are collecting trinkets, not really developing and sharing relationships, or adding value to others lives.
It was a sanguine story she wrote at age 95 about how her acting life didn’t really “find its voice” until after she turned 50, and how much self doubt that had created in her life prior to that time. She also wrote about being able to find happiness now as “these days begin in peace and end in gratitude.” She had started learning and doing new things at an advanced age because “I still breathe deeply each morning. Laughter remains precious, though I no longer feel the need to make others laugh. Quietness is sweeter than ever.”
She finished her essay with a wish for others to seek what she had found…
“I’m writing this today to share something simple and true: Growing older isn’t a final act—it can be life’s most exquisite chapter if you allow yourself to bloom once more. Let the years ahead be your treasure years. You don’t have to be perfect, famous, or adored. You only need to be present—fully—for the life that’s yours.“
I know the reality of the last period of life may be unhealthy, and some times mind ravaging. It’s sad to be limited at any age. But for those with the means and health to still make life happen, this message is meaningful. Someone close to me said something about a week ago, and it really was meaningful to me. It’s in reference to how I am now supporting a number of others in my retirement (which was a life goal anyway) after many decades of doing mostly for myself.
They said, “I was going to try to talk some sense to you about how much time you spend in support of him (a young person I am mentoring), but after meeting and speaking with him, I wanted to tell you that… if you have the means and can really benefit the life of another person again, then why not do it?”
I didn’t know I needed her permission, but that’s ok… family can be so assuming… lol
Yet, isn’t that the essential question about bringing meaning to a life? It’s not about values, or politics, nor recognition. It’s simply stated ; “if it does good, why not do it?”
We’re not here to be.
That took a lifetime to see.
We’re here to do good.
https://substack.com/@healthyseniors/note/c-162834122?r=18rv2y&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
My goodness, "Quietness is sweeter than ever." Is such a beautiful thing to say, to feel, to achieve clarity in. I hope you understand that what YOU are to the people who are so lucky to have you in their orbit is so invaluable. You're the $1 coin, in a world of pennies my friend.
I'm gonna read that article now!
I made a dedicated effort this year to do a few weekend trips to see in person and to create new memories with some close friends who I hadn’t seen in years. Otherwise I found myself left with a text or call every few months. This applied only to friendships that I wanted to continue to nurture and added to my energy piggy bank. I’m also open to making new connections as we’re all connected in some way, and you never know who might turn into a life long friend.
I saw a quote “you haven’t met everyone who will love you yet” and that’s reframed the same thinking of yours with never knowing who might turn into a life long friend. Love this mindset!
This is beautiful. You are.
I learned long ago that not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever. And that is ok. Even now, I get a lot of peace from believing that.
So true and when you realize you are/were that for others then that helps it all sink in.
I am so with you on this. There's a quiet peace in accepting it, isn't there?
There really is. And I'm realizing that accepting the quiet, small, gentle moments are as important as the big, incredible, amazing ones.
I’ve been finding that one of the most interesting shifts is happening with my friends who are having kids. I love kids, always have, I’ve been an aunt since I was 4, I work with kids as therapy clients, but I don’t want kids. Now being in my early 30’s, many of my oldest and closest friends are parents or soon to be. I suddenly feel this change that they have made this huge decision that alters their life forever, that I will never be a part of. We graduated high school together, went to college, got married (and for me, got divorced). I’m so happy for them, proud of them, and don’t want to be in their shoes, while simultaneously feeling the new degree of separation.
I do still have many close friends without kids, and still find time to connect with those who do. I have a lesser amount of energy dollars and I’m very mindful of who I spend my time with the older I get. My partner is my best friend and we love spending all of our time together, but I love a good friend hang when schedules align.
There's a funny stigma that seems go come when you just admit you don't want kids of your own, and I hope you're NOT experiencing that too much. But I know precisely this shift you're talking about, and it's so weird watching it happen. STarts slow, then explodes, really.
In addition to the sentiment that investing your energy dollars in the people who "get" you the most is valuable, I've found a strong return in investing more of those into myself as I've gotten older and gone through more life. I find cultivating a better knowledge of how I work, and going to the effort of regulating and being kinder with myself and others makes me a better friend, partner, sister, daughter, and aunt to be around for those that are in my circle. It's been eye opening for me to make myself one of the friends I invest in knowing and caring for.
There's a funny turn, everyone's age is different, where we start to see how valuable WE are, and how that precious energy needs to be held, sacredly, for ourselves more. I love that you're seeing that, because YOU deserve it all.
It took me a long time to understand the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I'm 54, and have two friends from high school (we met in the 6th grade) that I'm still in regular contact with, though we live in different states. I've had some friends over the years that we were like peas in a pod for the duration of our friendship, then in a moment of clarity I realized that the relationship was no longer healthy for me and that was it - I walked away. I've got a couple of good friends from different worlds of my life - one I connected with at a job in 1997 and we've been like sisters since and even raised our kids together, the other I met through a sheltie breeder in 2002, and we worked together for a bit and now are great friends and hang out at agility trials on weekends, leaning on each other through the good and bad. Outside that inner circle is a group of people I know less intimately, but we still have things in common and get together a few times a year, but that group is indeed shrinking. Beyond that are the acquaintances who know me through what little I share on social media. If you aren't in one of the smaller circles, you wouldn't know that I struggle with depression and PTSD. I haven't shared publicly that since early September I've been unemployed. Those people don't know that my two adult children are not on speaking terms, and I hate holidays and "forced family functions" (as my daughter calls them) where one or the other of them is missing.
Gone are the days where the nuclear family would get in the car on Sunday and go to Grandma's (or whatever auntie was hosting) for dinner and a gathering of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Extended families and huge summer reunions of everyone within 3 generations gathering are no longer commonplace. I think this also contributes to our shrinking circles, because many of us grew up with our cousins as our closest friends.
I think a result of the self-imposed isolation of an ever shrinking circle is that fewer people know the "real" version of us, and for me, that's okay. I have no need for the spotlight or for everyone to know my business. It also means my support network is smaller, which is a consideration when help is truly needed.
Touche on that first quote. It's so, so, so real. And your "Gone are the days" part really hit hard, and I felt it deeply. Man I long for the simplicity that was.
All my inner circle of friends has moved away ... in distance emotionally and physically. In this movement, contact has become less and less ... maybe a happy birthday text or a like on FB, I am an extra introvert to be sure, but I try to reach out and usually get something short back to a how are you doing. Fine. Busy ... and so on. If something were wrong, surely I would hear from them.
I've kept my family close. Although, my remaining brother is remiss at reaching out, so I do with long emails that are eventually answered in turn. I sent a birthday card to my SIL and only just received notification that she picked it up a couple of weeks ago. I don't presume to know why it took so long. If something were wrong, yet again, surely I would hear of it. Wouldn't I?
I'm not complaining ... I have three very close people. Two close by [my husband and daughter], and one in England who is good at reaching out or answering me.
And, I have myself. My steadfast friend of always. We keep in touch daily {wink}.
I LOVE how you closed this. So beautiful Gayle. Truly.