A Lover Of The Darkness | 5.9.21
The Sunday Edition
*Before we get into The Sunday Edition, we must first celebrate one of the most important, and beautiful days of the entire year. Happy Mother’s Day to you all, wherever you all are. Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, to all you who once were, to all you who wish to be but are not yet, to all you who cannot be, but still care for everyone and so are anyway, for all those who do not wish to be but still are in a million ways, offering tenderness and care in a million directions. Happy Mother’s Day to my mother, Jan, thank you for this life. Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful wife, Sarah Linden Gregson, thank you for teaching me all I know of being a parent, step or otherwise. Happy Mother’s Day to my sisters, to my mother-in-law, to all of you amazing Mothers. You deserve this celebration, you deserve this pause. Thank you, for giving us life…now, onto the show…*
Follow me for any significant period of time and you’ll come away with one extremely accurate and ever-present theme: Light. Our entire company name is based around this, Chasers of the Light, my first book named the same. Light, has been the subject of more poetry than I could possibly count, the main character in every photograph I’ve ever taken, it’s been my mistress, my muse. Oddly, however, while I completely relate to and associate as a Chaser of the Light, alongside all of you who are reading this Signal Fire, if I am truly honest, I am so much more a lover of the darkness.
I mean this in a plethora of ways, I mean it literally, I mean it metaphorically, I mean it abstractly. A me fact to kick off your Sunday: Few things make me grumpier than a blue sky day without a cloud to speak of. Few things make me sadder, more drained of energy and verve, than a day without drama in the atmosphere above me. I don’t know why this is, but I lose myself on the days of squinting, I long for the storm clouds and the deep grey, I ache for the sound of thunder, the flash of lightning. This is the literal sense, this the darkness I seek out, as I wait all day for night to come, and in Montana this becomes increasingly difficult the further into Spring and Summer we go. Middle of Summer here, we’re still seeing light into the 11th hour each day, sneaking up on damn near midnight before it’s finally pitch and relief.
In the metaphorical sense, I find too I am drawn to darkness, but still chase the light. I have long said, and if you’ve been here awhile you’ll know by now, I am a man of two halves, though they are not often equal. I have dozens and dozens of poems in which I speak to this darkness that I sink into, and often with my Autism. I do not know why this happens, do not know its origin or even its reason, but I know it well and am used to it at this point. The thing is, strange as it may seem, I love this part of me, this deep dark well of all my thought, creativity, nostalgia, sorrow, and yes, joy. It’s familiar, it’s home so much of my life, and while I constantly fight to rise out of it, I know it better than I know anything else, anywhere else, anyone else. Here’s the thing: I think this is ok. I think it’s ok to be drawn to the different sides of ourselves, I think it’s ok to be misunderstood by many, I think it’s ok to juxtapose ourselves, and often.
What I’ve come to understand over the years of my life is simple, but it is resonant to me. I know now, after all I’ve been through and endured, enjoyed and remembered, is that we are made of so many different parts, so many different pieces, and they all paint such different pictures if taken individually. Collectively, the are us, the whole of us, and I love who we have all become. What I wish to know from you, is what opposites exist inside of you? What pride, or shame, have you felt for each side? Please, if you feel comfortable, share, I would so love to know more.
I’m misunderstood,
a lover of the darkness,
chaser of the light.
Haiku on Life by Tyler Knott Gregson
Song of the Week
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I feel this so deeply. I can enjoy a sunny day, but I too crave the darkness, the grey days, the stormy days, the rainy days. I feel more myself on those days. Like nature is agreeing with me. Darkness does not always have to be associated with pain or sadness or negative feelings. I think it's a mistake that our society has this general view. I have found much joy in the darkness. I have found lots of diversity in darkness. Perhaps that's one of the reasons it's so appealing.
My opposites lie in my emotions. In my youth, I was told by many that my emotional investment in people, situations, all things run too deep and was summed up often times as hypersensitivity. Over time, I've built a barrier around my flood gates, numbing myself from reacting. My lackluster expression to emotionally charged situations now makes it so difficult to connect with others when they seek a response. One day, I will find a way to throw away the script and embrace myself as whatever I've become, warts and all.