The Sunday Edition
So many facets to ourselves. In my journey through more than six decades I am slowly, slowly learning not to be in the polarities, but to embrace the “and”. There are gifts in my shadows. I have struggled with shame, and fear of failing or disappointing others. And I have found that shame has difficulty existing within self love and self compassion. Thanks for your beautifully honest piece.
It's been a climb through darkness to the flashes of light I've seen on my horizon. I never understood at the time it happened that I was in darkness, and yet I was deep. Looking back, I see that it was all meant to be like this, a balance. And as I also reflect on more than 6 decades, I'm strengthened by the fact that the darkness will come and I will be able to face it with strength and even a slight smile. It will pass and I will dig in, with my books and my poetry.
Wow! I totally resonate with this. For one that has oft felt like a walking conundrum, two opposites sharing a body, a lover of many things that seems to be in conflict. And while I hate conflict I adore contrast,...it presents itself in some many things I do, I love, and even in the relationships I hold. Sometimes this fact frightens me, sometimes it makes me certain something is likely wrong with me. But maybe I’m wrong in that.
I drank these words. Gulped too quickly. Had to reread, again.
Darkness, and the stillness it brings saves me from chronic physical torture. I live so much of my life escaping migraine triggers, I’ve learned to live during midnight hours.
Here, at 3:30am I alone have the power to light the match and fan a flame. Strangely, the lumens by natural firelight don’t hurt as much, neither the sound of falling water or crashing waves.
This day I haven’t given up on yet was for Mothers. Therefore, as the darkness cleared and day drew near, stepping out into the light was an act of love. And we treasured the time we had together, every single second.
We always do.
We go out to find that hidden creek. We drive until we can say for certain if that diner really does have “the best milkshakes in the world”, we snuggle, each and every time it’s asked for, and always read “just a few more pages”.
We don’t clean. Not nearly enough for anyone’s standards. We don’t remodel working kitchens just to stay on trend. Not when mom lives in darkness, but loves the light...far too much to spend it on anything but living.
My opposites lie in my emotions. In my youth, I was told by many that my emotional investment in people, situations, all things run too deep and was summed up often times as hypersensitivity. Over time, I've built a barrier around my flood gates, numbing myself from reacting. My lackluster expression to emotionally charged situations now makes it so difficult to connect with others when they seek a response. One day, I will find a way to throw away the script and embrace myself as whatever I've become, warts and all.
I feel this so deeply. I can enjoy a sunny day, but I too crave the darkness, the grey days, the stormy days, the rainy days. I feel more myself on those days. Like nature is agreeing with me. Darkness does not always have to be associated with pain or sadness or negative feelings. I think it's a mistake that our society has this general view. I have found much joy in the darkness. I have found lots of diversity in darkness. Perhaps that's one of the reasons it's so appealing.