My life the past 2 years has been a constant series of gentle detachments. I have given so much of myself to make others happy and content. It was what I was taught as a young child to do, to be. Be the peacekeeper, do what every one asks without question, I'm not living to my full potential if I'm not giving 100% away to the people in my life, be the sacrifice. Over and over this was drilled into me. And as a consequence, it began to come easy and natural to me. I gave myself away, I made up personas to give away in hopes of getting a smidge of love in return. I never got any in return. I became blind and made myself a target to be taken advantage of. I finally crawled my way out of the dark depths of the shell I was left with. It was the hardest thing I've done and maintaining it will be just as difficult. But I can see now that I'm worth it. Worth being myself and maintaining boundaries even when my family and so called friends don't agree with new unwillingness to cater to them.
I have lost myself under the waves, I’ve admitted a thousand times. What I fear most is pulling others down in order to surface. I’d rather drown.
Thank you for this reminder to enjoy a swim in the midnight zone.
The pressure here is heavy. One must either be accustomed to it, or come with armor, either way, when breaking for the surface and seeing the light, we rise slowly, otherwise, all is lost.
Yup. This one stings. But I thank you for the eloquent explanation and kind reminder. It’s difficult for me to choose myself because I am so afraid to end up alone. But I can no longer just give endlessly of myself.
This place of gentle detachment can be a lonely one, but also necessary. I've been there, and occasionally wonder how that person is doing, hoping they are well and finding their way, wherever their journey has taken them. Over the years, my circle has gotten measurably smaller as I limit the negative influences and heal from my own traumas. It's important to carefully curate our lives, choosing who to allow as part of our story, and cultivate those who are the most important. That may or may not be family - sometimes it's family who needs to be held to the outside of our boundaries.
The takeaway for me was this gem of a line…”The boundaries don’t just keep certain things out, they lock the good things in, they act as insulation and hold in the joy, the intimacy, the trust, and balance.” You just explained MY “why” to me! I’m good (?maybe too good) with drawing lines and maintaining boundaries. For the past year plus, I have been trying to be more conscious, and more aware, of doing this less…but it’s never felt right. And this is why. Boundaries are not always “bad”. I subconsciously and instinctively knew (and do still know) this, but you just brought it to a conscious and intentional level. Huh. Thanks Tyler. ❤️
This has also happened to my husband and I. At first it’s always hard when the dynamic of a friendship changes. I’ve come to realize that some people in my life are season people and some people are lifers. Instead of mourning what was I now look for the possibility of what will be. What does the loss now open up space for. It’s been a fine line to learn how to keep the love while distancing myself but it’s been good for my soul.
I like the term gentle detachment as a rule for life in general. I used to cringe at the word boundaries. I still don’t fully embrace it. It conjures an idea of limitation and I reject that. I’m an all in kind of person and see it as a strength. Not something to be contained or modified. It works for me to be so supremely open but the key here is not having expectations. When I give I give freely and know that it comes back to me, not necessarily materially, but universally in cementing the beauty of being here, together. Even if we are no longer walking the same path. Even from afar, I feel each and every soul I’ve interacted with. Sharing this thing we call Life. *nods to Prince. I’m quite sure he’s somewhere else now doing what he does…
I had a moment this morning, randomly remembering the scene from City of Angels where they’re all standing on the shore of a beach looking out, in silence. Peaceful, soft smiles. This is how I see us. Simple and profound, at the heart of it.
Oh wow... I knew when I read the title this week that it would be one I really needed to take the time to absorb. It's certainly a challenge all us empaths and helpers are familiar with... it's truly an honor to provide support when we can to those we love, but the strain of being the supporter can drain all of what makes us... us. I used to volunteer with a suicide prevention organization and would host a table at community events like Pride. People would come share their stories. Their lives. Their loved ones lost. Mostly, their heartache. I always felt immensely drained but honored that those individuals trusted their stories with a stranger that day. Now, I'm unable to do that while supporting those more immediately in my life. Thank you for the reminder that boundaries hold a place for my joy. "Healthy soil". Maybe a new mantra fir my meditation? Haha
My life the past 2 years has been a constant series of gentle detachments. I have given so much of myself to make others happy and content. It was what I was taught as a young child to do, to be. Be the peacekeeper, do what every one asks without question, I'm not living to my full potential if I'm not giving 100% away to the people in my life, be the sacrifice. Over and over this was drilled into me. And as a consequence, it began to come easy and natural to me. I gave myself away, I made up personas to give away in hopes of getting a smidge of love in return. I never got any in return. I became blind and made myself a target to be taken advantage of. I finally crawled my way out of the dark depths of the shell I was left with. It was the hardest thing I've done and maintaining it will be just as difficult. But I can see now that I'm worth it. Worth being myself and maintaining boundaries even when my family and so called friends don't agree with new unwillingness to cater to them.
I have lost myself under the waves, I’ve admitted a thousand times. What I fear most is pulling others down in order to surface. I’d rather drown.
Thank you for this reminder to enjoy a swim in the midnight zone.
The pressure here is heavy. One must either be accustomed to it, or come with armor, either way, when breaking for the surface and seeing the light, we rise slowly, otherwise, all is lost.
Yup. This one stings. But I thank you for the eloquent explanation and kind reminder. It’s difficult for me to choose myself because I am so afraid to end up alone. But I can no longer just give endlessly of myself.
This place of gentle detachment can be a lonely one, but also necessary. I've been there, and occasionally wonder how that person is doing, hoping they are well and finding their way, wherever their journey has taken them. Over the years, my circle has gotten measurably smaller as I limit the negative influences and heal from my own traumas. It's important to carefully curate our lives, choosing who to allow as part of our story, and cultivate those who are the most important. That may or may not be family - sometimes it's family who needs to be held to the outside of our boundaries.
This is so beautifully written, thank you. My takeaway to walk with: "become the healthy soil". I spose that means manure and compost. So be it. : )
The takeaway for me was this gem of a line…”The boundaries don’t just keep certain things out, they lock the good things in, they act as insulation and hold in the joy, the intimacy, the trust, and balance.” You just explained MY “why” to me! I’m good (?maybe too good) with drawing lines and maintaining boundaries. For the past year plus, I have been trying to be more conscious, and more aware, of doing this less…but it’s never felt right. And this is why. Boundaries are not always “bad”. I subconsciously and instinctively knew (and do still know) this, but you just brought it to a conscious and intentional level. Huh. Thanks Tyler. ❤️
This has also happened to my husband and I. At first it’s always hard when the dynamic of a friendship changes. I’ve come to realize that some people in my life are season people and some people are lifers. Instead of mourning what was I now look for the possibility of what will be. What does the loss now open up space for. It’s been a fine line to learn how to keep the love while distancing myself but it’s been good for my soul.
I like the term gentle detachment as a rule for life in general. I used to cringe at the word boundaries. I still don’t fully embrace it. It conjures an idea of limitation and I reject that. I’m an all in kind of person and see it as a strength. Not something to be contained or modified. It works for me to be so supremely open but the key here is not having expectations. When I give I give freely and know that it comes back to me, not necessarily materially, but universally in cementing the beauty of being here, together. Even if we are no longer walking the same path. Even from afar, I feel each and every soul I’ve interacted with. Sharing this thing we call Life. *nods to Prince. I’m quite sure he’s somewhere else now doing what he does…
I had a moment this morning, randomly remembering the scene from City of Angels where they’re all standing on the shore of a beach looking out, in silence. Peaceful, soft smiles. This is how I see us. Simple and profound, at the heart of it.
Oh wow... I knew when I read the title this week that it would be one I really needed to take the time to absorb. It's certainly a challenge all us empaths and helpers are familiar with... it's truly an honor to provide support when we can to those we love, but the strain of being the supporter can drain all of what makes us... us. I used to volunteer with a suicide prevention organization and would host a table at community events like Pride. People would come share their stories. Their lives. Their loved ones lost. Mostly, their heartache. I always felt immensely drained but honored that those individuals trusted their stories with a stranger that day. Now, I'm unable to do that while supporting those more immediately in my life. Thank you for the reminder that boundaries hold a place for my joy. "Healthy soil". Maybe a new mantra fir my meditation? Haha