Strife comes, we know this as fact, disconnections with those we know and love, anger that manifests in a million ways, distance that plants itself and like mudslide, pulls us away. We know this happens from time to time, we know that there will be periods where people enter our lives, and we know there will be periods where people exit, I have always believed how we handle the exits dictate the people we truly are, the contents of our character. It is easy when these walkaways occur, to flavor them with distrust or irritation, with scorn or the even deadlier disease of apathy, it’s much harder to treat the splits with grace and understanding. I have always believed, when it’s time for someone to leave your life, for whatever reason, wish them well, hope for them a life of passion in a new form, hope for simple pleasure.
As I get older, I'm learning to let go of people who were just "passing through" in my life a bit easier. I tend to be an all-in friend, loyal to the core, sometimes to my own detriment. One friend I walked away from ended in a public situation. She changed the direction of my life in a good way (she introducedme to dog sports, which is now a big part of my life), and for that I will be eternally grateful. Unfortunately she was a classic narcissist and a bully when she was unhappy about something. There came a day when I overheard her talking crap about me to mutual friends, who knew she was like this and didn't engage. I wasn't able to immediately address her, but a few minutes later when I did, I simply said, "Thank you for the lesson." She looked at me in surprise and asked, "What lesson?" I said, "The lesson in how true friends treat each other. What you just did is not okay, and is not the kind of friend I want in my life, nor the kind of person I want to be. Thank you." As I walked away, the room of 10+ people had fallen silent, and I felt as though a physical weight had been lifted - a weight I hadn't realized I was carrying until I put it down.
She passed away unexpectedly in 2019, just as I was planning my tattoo for the Walking Poetry Project. I added a small butterfly to honor her, and the ways that she had a literal "butterfly effect" on my life. My word was "leaves", and is a small branch with a green leaf for each of my kids and grandkids (I'll be adding leaves soon!), and red-orange fallen leaves for family who are passed on. We are all leaves in each other's world, and eventually the winds will carry us on to our next purpose.
So many heartbreaks and rounds with grief have led me to a few realizations.
First, it's easier to let someone go and wish them well when your sense of "good enough" is not dependent upon their staying. A secure attachment to your own worth does a lot to anchor that vessel while you adjust sails than when your self worth IS the sail and depends upon which way their wind is blowing.
Also, allowing yourself to truly grieve a loss....to feel it deep in your bones and let it drag you down as it will....to literally submit to it....invites the healing a lot sooner. The pain WILL have you...missing is pain....longing is pain....a void left where you wish love would fill is pain.....but the only way out is through. Too many people fight it. They avoid it with work, numb it with drink, ignore it with mindless hours in front of a screen....but pain will be felt, and there it no peace until you reach the other side. So....be a ship tossed in the storm.....do your best. Every storm eventually runs out of rain....but the tears must fall first....then daylight.
Finally, peace is a choice, love is a choice. It's a real challenge to wish someone else something you can't conjure up for yourself. It's literally No Peace/Love vs. Know Peace/Love. No one can give us those things. We either choose them or we don't.... it's an inside job. But if we have them....we can be them and offer them up.
This is spot on and well timed, Tyler. I've had to let several people go their own way in the last decade, and a few during COVID as well. My father used to tell me when I was upset, "Take the good and throw the bad away." He was right. It's a huge burden off my shoulders to just let them go peacefully. Recently I've come to terms with the separation caused by strange politics (family members), and with mental illness flaring up in a dear friend. But I've also come closer to others, and cemented friendships this last year through virtual means. Taking the good......and showing grace.
The hardest goodbye I’ve ever faced was that of my former self. I’m still heartbroken, but not visibly so.
As I get older, I'm learning to let go of people who were just "passing through" in my life a bit easier. I tend to be an all-in friend, loyal to the core, sometimes to my own detriment. One friend I walked away from ended in a public situation. She changed the direction of my life in a good way (she introducedme to dog sports, which is now a big part of my life), and for that I will be eternally grateful. Unfortunately she was a classic narcissist and a bully when she was unhappy about something. There came a day when I overheard her talking crap about me to mutual friends, who knew she was like this and didn't engage. I wasn't able to immediately address her, but a few minutes later when I did, I simply said, "Thank you for the lesson." She looked at me in surprise and asked, "What lesson?" I said, "The lesson in how true friends treat each other. What you just did is not okay, and is not the kind of friend I want in my life, nor the kind of person I want to be. Thank you." As I walked away, the room of 10+ people had fallen silent, and I felt as though a physical weight had been lifted - a weight I hadn't realized I was carrying until I put it down.
She passed away unexpectedly in 2019, just as I was planning my tattoo for the Walking Poetry Project. I added a small butterfly to honor her, and the ways that she had a literal "butterfly effect" on my life. My word was "leaves", and is a small branch with a green leaf for each of my kids and grandkids (I'll be adding leaves soon!), and red-orange fallen leaves for family who are passed on. We are all leaves in each other's world, and eventually the winds will carry us on to our next purpose.
So many heartbreaks and rounds with grief have led me to a few realizations.
First, it's easier to let someone go and wish them well when your sense of "good enough" is not dependent upon their staying. A secure attachment to your own worth does a lot to anchor that vessel while you adjust sails than when your self worth IS the sail and depends upon which way their wind is blowing.
Also, allowing yourself to truly grieve a loss....to feel it deep in your bones and let it drag you down as it will....to literally submit to it....invites the healing a lot sooner. The pain WILL have you...missing is pain....longing is pain....a void left where you wish love would fill is pain.....but the only way out is through. Too many people fight it. They avoid it with work, numb it with drink, ignore it with mindless hours in front of a screen....but pain will be felt, and there it no peace until you reach the other side. So....be a ship tossed in the storm.....do your best. Every storm eventually runs out of rain....but the tears must fall first....then daylight.
Finally, peace is a choice, love is a choice. It's a real challenge to wish someone else something you can't conjure up for yourself. It's literally No Peace/Love vs. Know Peace/Love. No one can give us those things. We either choose them or we don't.... it's an inside job. But if we have them....we can be them and offer them up.
This is spot on and well timed, Tyler. I've had to let several people go their own way in the last decade, and a few during COVID as well. My father used to tell me when I was upset, "Take the good and throw the bad away." He was right. It's a huge burden off my shoulders to just let them go peacefully. Recently I've come to terms with the separation caused by strange politics (family members), and with mental illness flaring up in a dear friend. But I've also come closer to others, and cemented friendships this last year through virtual means. Taking the good......and showing grace.
Grace means letting go,
Bury the hurt and anger,
Wishing them the best.