Joy To Offset The Anger | 1.9.22
Joy To Offset The Anger | 1.9.22
The Sunday Edition
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It is a new year, this only the second essay to the 22 of this 20, and I wanted to establish immediately, that this place, this Signal Fire community we’re building, is a safe place in which honesty is vaulted above almost all other attributes. I want to show you, without hesitation or reservation, that vulnerability is fundamental to this, and more, that if I expect it from You all each week, the very least I can do is offer it back in kind. In surplus, if I’ve the room for it. Thing about me is, I’ve got the room for it, and I’ll always have the room for it. Way I see it is, I owe it to you all to show up here, each week, and to be vulnerable, be honest, be transparent in a way that I won’t be anywhere else, because nowhere else feels like this place does. Social media is all nonsense and posturing, the highlight reel of a life curated down to perfect little squares. Facebook is, good grief we’re not even going to get into it, but it just ain’t right. This place, this little Signal Fire warming all you souls all across this planet, is a safe place, it’s a haven, a harbor in the tempest and I want to continue to build it, to wrap you all up in the understanding that you can be open about the good, the bad, the ugly, the worrying, and you’ll be held with open arms and grace. I believe you’ll do the same for me, should I do the same, and so I keep doing the same. Today, I’m going to do it again.
Lately, I’ve been thinking so much about what these tumultuous last two years have done to us all, the collective We striving for survival and peace. My wife will be listening to this upstairs in her headphones while she gets ready, and so I will start with saying this, to her directly: This essay, sweets, is for you, as a promise and as a plea for gentle help too.
Personally, over the last two years, I’ve felt myself grow angrier. I’ve always been a bit of a stereotypical “old Scottish man” as Sarah (I hope lovingly) calls me, but over the last two years I’ve just felt more upset with more things, more irritable with people that fill the world, the actions they either do, or refuse to take, the selfishness, the short-sightedness, the rudeness. I’ve found myself feeling angry whilst driving, whilst reading the news, found myself mentally focusing on the negative more than the positive, and while I have written at length about toxic positivity on this newsletter, this is something more, this is more habitual and less cleansing, this is anger and it grows and blossoms inside too often.
This morning, I read a brilliant article about the difference between anger and rage, and how rage was an emotion that has no positive place in our lives, anger can actually be healthy. The article felt redeeming, but the more I read, the more I realized that while some anger is good — anger is just a valid and vital emotion as joy, sadness, love, and surprise — too much of it can boil into rage too easily, and rage hurts. Rage cuts. Now, a disclaimer: I am absolutely not a rage-ful person. I do not lash out, I do not hurt, I do not aim for the jugular. I never have been, I never will be. The only times I’ve been in a physical fight in my life, were all reactionary, self-defensive, and actually, surprisingly, had little to no anger involved. Nevertheless, lately I just feel angry, too often, and I realized the pollution into the waters of those I love it causes. I don’t like upsetting Sarah, I don’t like feeling braced for something new to irritate or push a button, I don’t like the heaviness of carrying it, and so I want to set it down, as it is a weight I’m not accustomed to holding, after all. I want the freedom that came with feeling lighter, feeling more joyful and less resentful, more peaceful than defensive, at the world, at myself, at anything that may wrinkle that.
I’ve been Buddhist since I was 12, and part of that for me is the idea that I’m always a work in progress, and I know that the human nature part of myself, will always bring a fallibility that I can try to practice and reduce, but really isn’t going anywhere far. I know I am a work in progress, I know I need to strive for more balance before I ever aim for complete eradication. Perhaps, if these past few years have taught me anything, it’s that anger and irritation are probably going to always be around, and the best we can probably hope for, as with this dreadful Covid that we thought we could beat, is for it to become endemic to the point of nearly neutered in its potency. (Yes, I just said Neutered in its potency, and yes that’s one of my finer sentences, thank you very much.)
We’re all a work in progress, you know this as well as I, but I want to work harder. I want to do what I said last week: Love myself but aim for more. That more, is actually less. Less angry, more patient, more calm, more mentally disconnected from the things that cause this emotion in me, more emotionally connected to the things that relieve it. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my friends and family, and yes Sarah, if you’re still listening in your little headphones while sipping some tea in between face lotioning and choosing what to wear, I owe it to you. I’m working on it, I’ll keep working on it, and I love you, all, for your patience with me.
Thank you for this place to be vulnerable, and thank you for being vulnerable with me in return.
If you’re feeling like it, we could all discuss what we’re wanting to work on, maybe if we do it together, we’ll be all the more successful for it. Maybe.
I’ll strive for balance,
joy to offset the anger
that rises in me.
Joy To Offset The Anger | 1.9.22
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece about the state of your emotions. I can relate. Heck! we could all relate. I’ve found myself last year emotionally wrestling between anger and rage too. Angry at the selfishness out there in the face of people dying of Covid. Deaths that could have been prevented easily. It got to the point where my anger started to turn into helplessness and defeat, sadness and depression. I’m not someone who screams or punches things, I don’t even yell or raise my voice so much. So the only place this anger could go, was back inside. Then I decided to turn off the news, and the constant 24hours rants about what going wrong in this world for a week. I started with a week, but now I can have it off weeks at a time. After a few days of diet free news I started to feel better and realized 2 things:
First, just like social media that only showcases the perfect life no one has, the news on tv or media is only designed to sensationalize the worst in this world. It’s a magnifying glass into the worst thing that has happened, is happening, can or will happen in any given time around the world. And it was up to me to decide how much of it , if any I want to let in my space. Second I realized, or I remembered in that quiet space I was in, that in this world we are all living in, no one gets away with anything. Karma is real. In other words, what you do to others will be done to you. So it’s not my job to try to right all the wrongs in this world. And that’s what my anger and frustration was all about. We are all energetic beings sharing space temporarily in this world and I’m only responsible for the energy I put into the world. And I want that energy to be welcoming and good, bright and healing. In other words, whatever I do, I want it to be with love, to bring joy, and comfort, to foster healing and happiness. That’s what I’m working on. That’s what I decided to put my focus on instead of the anger and by doing that I get to recalibrate myself and my emotions.
Some days I still feel anger, don’t get me wrong, especially at work when I have to tell someone to leave because they don’t want to wear a mask. It’s a non negotiable stance. That’s also what I have to do keep myself safe and sane.
I know it’s dark right now in Montana, more dark than light, but keep the light in. To use your own words, keep chasing the light. Thank you for this.
This was such a timely piece. Thank you for sharing. I have been wrestling with anger and, just as much, despair. I don’t know how to handle it constructively. What I want to do is go hide in a cabin in the woods with my cat, books, fiddle, sketchpad, and a lot of coffee. But that isn’t do-able and won’t accomplish anything anyway. It feels like everything is just so big right now and it is overwhelming.
A couple of weeks ago, fires destroyed communities just up the road from me here in Colorado. It was a terrifying day and I was amazed at how fast people mobilized to help. I volunteer at a horse rescue and we were on stand by to help evacuate large animals, we weren’t even needed because so many people stepped up. Days later, over $2 million was raised to help the people who lost their homes. So I know, I KNOW, that goodness and love, it’s still out there. It just feels like it is eclipsed by hate.
I want to figure out how to counteract the hate, just don’t know how yet. I try to do my little bits of good in the world but it never feels like enough.