Have you ever told someone you love a band, a book, a movie, or a show only for them to launch into a 5 minute long dissertation, a TED Talk on all the reasons you’re wrong?
I’ve been posting things publicly on the internets for a long, long time. To say I have thick skin by now is an understatement.
Just the other day I went and looked and if you only count blogging, my first ever post was on an original Blogspot (only old people will remember this) site over 22 YEARS ago. March 13, 2003. I found it, here. 22 years of public posting, 22 years of exposing myself to the opinions, insults, and frequently rudenesses of people I’d never met and probably never would.
I have lost count at this point at how many times I’ve posted something, anything, that offered up my love or interest for something, anything, only to be told how the thing I loved actually sucks. Or how it’s actually wrong to love that thing. Within minutes, and I understand this is part and parcel for amassing a larger-than-average following, this happens. This isn’t healthy debate, this isn’t even unhealthy debate, this is just people shitting on the thing I was simply expressing my love or interest toward.
This is primarily an internets problem, and I understand this, but in no way is it exclusive to the world wide webs. Somehow along the way, cynicism has replaced almost all over belief systems. I wonder sometimes, if it’s the dominant new religion that’s spread across this place. The truth I remind myself of every time this happens has stayed the same for the last two decades of sharing my insides on the outside, the truth that seeks to calm through frustration or dismay:
It’s easier to tear down than it is to build up.
It’s always been this way. It’s easier to hate than it is to love, easier to be skeptical than embrace, far easier to reject than accept. I understand, though don’t truly understand, why people feel smarter when they critique things, when they throw their perceived intelligence and aloofness at anything that anyone dares to admit a love or appreciation for.
We’re a world of hot takes and social media algorithms love to reward negativity over almost all things. Post a glowing review of something you’ll never go viral, say they, but offer up a deep dive on all the reasons why the new movie/song/fashion line/television show/whatever is actually awful and embarrassing and the dreaded cringe, and you’ll blow up. Everyone will watch you stare into your camera and expound on precisely why you’re so much better, smarter, or more interesting than the thing you’re tearing down. It works, it always works.
Sadly, this kind of reaction and this kind of intentional destruction exists in other forms as well. It’s not just when I announce loving something, appreciating something, it’s also when I’m supporting something, and I think this is when I’m more troubled than any other time.
More times than I can count I have posted in support of a cause that is near and dear to my heart. This could be in support of the LGBTQIA+ community, a post about Native Americans around Thanksgiving, a post about Pride Month or African American Heritage or anything else, and almost immediately I am bombarded with comments both public and messages private of people furious with me. Sometimes they are furious for supporting these causes, as they are hateful bigots who have nothing better to do, and I expect these. Hell, I welcome these people as it gives me an opportunity to educate them in a (sometimes) calm manner that highlights the ignorance of their hate. What bothers me more, what’s been more troubling, is the amount of furious messages and angry comments that are a not because I supported that cause, but because I wasn’t also at that exact moment supporting whatever cause they thought I should be supporting.
I come out in support of LGBTQIA+ and I’m instantly targeted for not also speaking out (at the same time) for Palestine or Taiwan or the treatment of animals or for not speaking out against big Pharma or something else. Always, it’s this. I’ve literally been berated by a follower for not posting on social media the links to their fundraiser to help get their cat medicine from the vet—accused of not truly supporting my “fans.”
All this has shaped my funny little mind, and born from it have come a few little rules on being a better citizen of the planet, a better friend to the world. Here’s what I believe:
You don’t have to love everything. But you also do NOT have to ruin everything for everyone. It costs you Nothing to allow others to love what they love.
Sometimes it’s important to be critical. But not always. If someone is being hateful, condescending, hurtful, or rude, by all means be critical and stand as the voice of opposition to this behavior. If someone is just doing their best and speaking of what they enjoyed, shut your damn mouth, open your damn ears, and maybe you’ll love something new, too.
Joy is not a harmful thing. Stop treating someone else’s like it sucks out yours. Joy is not a limited or vanishing quantity, you can manufacture your own without it affecting a single other person.
If someone doesn’t know something, teach them gently. As I said, there are times where you might need to alert someone if you’re quite sure they are ignorant. I won’t get into deep specifics, but my Mom once told me about a film she really wanted to see that I knew to have been right on the edge of far-right propaganda and was financed by some pretty damn nefarious spreaders of conspiracy theories. I taught her this information, but never mocked her. Teach, don’t mock.
It’s not cooler to hate. Kids don’t know this yet, and I do think this generation has (for reasons mentioned above about algorithms and the prioritization of negative content) leaned pretty hard towards it, but it’s so much cooler to be a fan of something than a critic. Watch what happens when you add more to your Love List, rather than your Hate List. Life changes.
Social media and the way our world spins certainly prizes and rewards negativity and cynicism. Virality thrives on hot takes and the over-dissection of someone else’s joy. This has created a society and generations of people that are afraid to express their joy, their passion, their love, because they know someone else will try to ruin it or call them out or ridicule them for it.
Mocking joy makes the world a worse place. I stand by this.
We can fix it though, we can look into the mirrors that surround us and honestly look to see if we’re the people that feel that urge to be cynical or critical when people tell us they love something. We can admit the times we’ve done it, and be mindful to not do it any longer. We can choose to not only let people enjoy things, but to open ourselves to the curiosity that asks, “What if I’ll love it, too?”
The next time you feel that urge, ask “Does this criticism truly help, or does it just make me feel smarter/cooler/better?” I’m guessing the answer is almost always the latter.
Know this: Here, your love is always welcome, your joy will be celebrated, your interests will never be ruined. We’ll look with curious eyes at the things you love, we’ll give benefits of the doubt, we’ll try our best to love what you love. Should we not, we won’t say so, we won’t turn your joy to rubble. Not ever.
If you, too, are tired of the internet trying to suck the joy out of your things, reply, tell me the last time someone tried to ruin something you loved. And if you liked this essay, feel free to share it with someone who needs a reminder to just let people enjoy what they enjoy. It costs you nothing at all.
Song of the Week
I heard people like this book, and so we should just probably shut up and like it too since that’s what this article is about hahahahaha. SLAP THE LINK!
