Sometimes I am filterless and overly honest and I say things that some people get offended by because they are not prepared for unobstructed candor. By sometimes, I mean always.
Sometimes this happens even as they ask for said truthfulness, as they directly request this candor. Sometimes it’s too much, and I’m too much, and I don’t mean to be but people aren’t always good at knowing what they actually want. By sometimes, I mean lots of times. Not always, but roundin’ the corner on it.
Sometimes we carry a weight, and that weight is burdensome and heavy and bogs us down and it holds us back from a hell of a lot of joy. Sometimes we take things far too personally, we take things far too seriously, and we make things about us that never were in the first place. By sometimes, I again mean always, and by “we” I actually don’t mean me this time because I don’t do this, I really don’t ever do this, and there’s a reason why.
I’m autistic, and some lucky autistic people have this incredible superpower of never taking things personally. Maybe even when they probably should, but that’s a story for a different day.
The grocery checkout guy didn’t smile back at you today, the barista didn’t laugh at your joke, someone cut you off on the highway, your partner is quieter than usual when they woke this morning. It’s you, you’re the common thread, right? Something about you made them this way, maybe it was the clothes you wore to the grocery, maybe it was your sense of humor, it’s always been not the best but you figured you’d try that ridiculous joke to that 20-something barista. And on the highway, they probably saw your bumper stickers and just hated you automatically, they probably cut you off to send a message. And don’t even get me started on why your partner was quiet this morning, my goodness are you that blind?!
Reading this you can probably see it, much clearer than you thought you would, at just how positively preposterous this line of thinking is. We spend lifetimes trying our best to read between the lines, the lines of other people’s silences, the unspoken rationale for why they do what they do, and during all this wasted energy we forget one powerful truth, that it was never about us then, and it’s not about us now. I’ve spent a lifetime watching this, and I’m tired of seeing it, of having to give pep talks to people that get down and low on themselves for a million interactions just like these, and so I’m going to try to fix that today. Today, I’m hitting you with the most powerful and unsolicited life tip straight from the mouth of this autistic goofball:
DO NOT TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.
That’s it, that’s the hack, that’s the life tip that I know, I KNOW to be revolutionary and transformative and that can rake back in all that misspent and wasted energy.
As I mentioned above, I am so lucky to be almost completely unburdened by this malady, and as such, I believe it affords me the opportunity to observe with great clarity the tendency to personally absorb almost everything by others. Autism affords me an extremely heightened sensitivity to patterns, to faces, to tones of voice, and as an empathetic autistic (which I assure you is not as rare as everyone thinks) it means that while I have a brain that just wants to solve puzzles and fix problems, sometimes it sees, it feels problems that aren’t even spoken to me.
There’s a mental fatigue in all I see, every single social nuance, but I know it to be so much greater when I watch people consistently take things personally that never were, that never are, aimed at them at all. I see the cost, the toll it takes on them, and then immediately want them to be free from that.
Here’s the problem with falling in to the warm embrace of this line of thinking:
When you take everything personally, when you assume it’s something about you, that’s causing everything, you’re basically doing just that. You’re making someone else’s bad day about You. You’re just inflating an unfortunate (but probably innocuous) interaction into something it never was. That grocery clerk not smiling? They could have just been upset about a break-up, or this economy, or a flat tire or late car payment or the fact that they have 6 hours left on their shift. The barista who didn’t laugh? Those poor souls have to be strapped into a Britney Spears Vegas Tour headset for 8 hours a day listening to the drive-thru orders, the chatter from their co-baristas, and probably some corporate overlord with morale boosting messages. Maybe you got cut off on the highway because the dude driving had his pregnant wife in labor? Maybe your partner is quieter than usual because they didn’t sleep well, or had a headache, or was worried about finances or kids or work or their 401k or who knows what else?
Within redirection, lies relief.
Sweet, sweet relief. This takes practice, I understand, but I believe it to be practice very much worth the effort. We can redirect the energy we waste believing that everything is actually secretly about us, that the world has a conspiracy that began the moment you rocketed out of some birth canal, and everyone, ALL OF US, are in on it and out to get you. We can reframe and see others as human beings that might be overwhelmed, might be grieving, stressed, late for work, or spiraling from any number of their own personal tornadoes. This ain’t about you, you just happened to be there when it all came out.
So how do we practice? Glad you asked. Here’s a few tips:
Grounding Phrases - Simple things to remind yourself that this is not about you, not your fault, and doesn’t actually mean anything about you. “This isn’t about me,” is powerful and simple. “Stop inventing problems.” “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Try these next time you reallllllly wanna imply that something is because of you.
Assume The Best - This can burn you, I get it, but I’ve found in my experiences that if you assume the best intent from people, even if you have to invent the best intent, you can reshape your brain into defaulting to this. It’s better to be proven Wrong about best intent, than proven Right about the worst.
Wait It Out - Before you immediately react to what you perceive as something being personally aimed your way, wait a beat. Or 24 hours. Then, if you still feel it’s personal, address it.
Use Humor - Next time someone is being horrible and you want to assume it’s because of you, make light of it and directly ask. This is my way, this is the autistic way, use that unobstructed candor to call it out and take the sting out of it. I have found, not only does this usually break the ice, it also opens the door for a conversation as to what’s truly going on, and lends support to someone who clearly needs it.
Have you been guilty of this? Are you taking this very bit of life advice personally? Ok that’s ok, cause you should, because we all should. Even me, I’m sure I do it from time to time, but honestly, I’m just lucky.
What’s something you took personally that ended up being nothing, absolutely nothing at all? I want to read your spiral into self-imposed struggle. Maybe if we share the weights we have all been carrying, the load won’t seem quite as heavy.
Bottom line, everyone is almost always thinking of themselves, not you, anyway. What they do, in most cases, has nothing to do with you. Obviously if you’ve seriously boned something up and are at direct fault for something, then this IS about you and you DO need to rectify the situation promptly, but otherwise, it ain’t, so you shain’t. Not words, but that’s ok.
It wasn’t about you, it never was. You’re not the villain, most of the time, you’re not even a character in their story. This is the way of things. Let it be the way of things.
That’s it, that’s the advice. Take it or leave it, it is entirely up to you. Whichever you do, I won’t take it personally.
Song of the Week
DON’T TAKE THINGS SO SERIOUSLY, unless that thing is pre-ordering my book, then do. :)
