It’s my birthday today, though I’ve never much cared for my birthday.
Maybe it’s the autism, maybe it’s the childhood where we grew up thousands of miles from my friends every year, but this day just never was very important to me. Why would I ever want to be the center of attention?
That said, 44 years old this day, and I completed my lap around the glowing ball of fire sometime around 6am. 44 years, and all I know for certain, all I would place a wager on, is that I have so much more to learn.
We all have so much more to learn.
Saying that, however, I do feel at this penultimate year before being halfway done with my forties, that I have learned a few things on my journey.
I’m about six thousand light years from wisdom, still stumbling and fumbling my way through this world and this human experience, but I thought today I could try my best to drum up 44 simple bits of lessons I’ve discovered along the way. Little truths, little nuggets, little simple reminders—all of these are from my own understanding of this world and its inhabitants and therefore may not be at all what you’ve learned. This is ok.
So, with only one further ado—and that’s to say if you DO love me and you DO want to say happy birthday, the single best way is to upgrade your subscription and keep this place alive—here are 44 lessons for 44 years, distilled down as simply and abridged as I can muster:
44 Years, 44 Lessons
You can grow older without growing up. I firmly believe silliness is one of the most underrated qualities. Allow yourself this indignity. Play. Ignore who is watching.
Listening is better than talking. I forget this sometimes, my autism just makes it hard, but the more I work on listening, the better everything with everyone gets. Lean in more, talk less. Learn to shut up.
“I love you” is actually free. Cynics will tell you this is false, they’ll tell you love has a cost and sometimes not worth paying. They are wrong. If you feel it, say it, and do not withhold it, not ever. There is no wrong time to admit love, there is no rule on how long it takes to bloom. If you see its flower, give it away.
Put your phone away. I cold-turkey’d myself over the last year with my phone, and I have never been happier to have made a decision. Turn your smartphone into a landline by turning the ringer back on, and leaving it in a different room. Watch your screen-time plummet while your joy returns. I mean it.
Ally as a verb, not a noun. To truly support marginalized communities, you have to put in the work. You have to show up. Do not call yourself an ally if you’re not actively using your privilege, your time, your energy, to help.
Breath is the most important ingredient of Calm. You would be astounded how many situations can be remedied internally, if you just focus on your breath. Close your eyes. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, and exhale for 10 seconds. Repeat a few times, then open your eyes.
Do hard things, then do harder ones. In weight lifting, progressive overload is the technique of adding either more weight, or more repetitions, to constantly force your muscles to grow and adapt. In life, forcing yourself to do hard things does the same to your soul. Move the bar for your comfort zone, then move it again when what was once difficult now feels easier. Never stop trying.
Travel to learn, not to see. There exists 3 million photographs on social media of the precise spot you’re going to go on vacation to see. See them, sure, but shift the focus of your trip to learning all you can about where you’re going, and you’ll make memories that never fade.
Ordinary is an insult. Find YOU, your taste, your style, your unique offering to this diverse world. Do not be what everyone else already is. Be new.
Sleep. Just sleep more, sleep better, and make it a priority above almost any other wellness trend or trick. Sleep.
Make them the hero. To get what you need from someone, simply make them the superhero that makes that possible. You’d be shocked how many times this works.
Eat more protein. No, not in a weird bodybuilder way, but in a “make your body actually work” way. Make protein a bigger priority and your energy, your body, your sleep, and your exercise will be infinitely more productive. Seriously, this one changed Lady G’s life.
4 quarters are worth more than 100 pennies. Ok not at the grocery store, but in life. Having 4 (or 2, or however many) actually close, actually true friends, is so much more valuable than having 100 that you secretly know won’t ever show up when you need them to.
Be curious. Before anger, before hatred, before judgement. Be curious, it’s the balm we need rubbed over this entire planet.
Empathy is lonely. But worth it. You’re going to get hurt living this way, but it’s truly the only way worth living.
Follow ONE team/band/thing religiously. For me, it’s Liverpool Football Club and has been for years and years and years. Being a fan is heartbreaking, heart-soaring, and the outcome completely out of your control. This is the point. Love something silly outside of yourself, it’s not about the “what” at all.
Slow down. Be where you are, only, do what you’re doing, only. This is the only “zen” you need to chase.
To hell with side hugs. If you’re willing to hug them, if they’re willing to hug you, HUG them. The one arm side hug nonsense is worthless. Hug, and let go last.
Healing can’t happen in the place that got you sick. If you want to get better, change the environment that got you sick in the first place. Don’t expect anything else.
Small moments make big lives. You’ll do some big, flashy, amazing things, sure, but they will pale in number, importance, and depth to the tiny little miraculous moments of mundanity.
Photograph what you love. Then do it again, and again, and again. You can never take too many photographs of what you love, and it makes them feel that when you do.
Let people be wrong. Especially about you. You don’t owe it to anyone to correct anyone about how they feel about you. If you’ve wronged, fix it, if you haven’t, let them hold what they hold, and let it go.
The universe tells you. Everything you need to know, if only you fall quiet enough to hear. Start listening for nudges from the universe, and you’ll suddenly see they are everywhere, all the time. Pay attention.
Fart walks change lives. They are called fart walks because they are a walk taken after dinner to relieve yourself of gas from the food. The farts are optional, but an after dinner walk does weird things for your sense of calm. Maybe the two are related, maybe not.
Believe people when they show you who they are. For good, for bad, if someone consistently proves who they are, believe them. Never think you can repaint over someone’s true colors.
Your pain is not exceptional. Or unique. As REM once said, “Everybody hurts.” Oversharing yours will do nothing to remedy it. Complain less and you’ll find less to complain about.
Popcorn is a side-dish. Being an adult means it’s perfectly acceptable to sometimes eat a little protein, a few veggies, and then a big bowl of popcorn. Stop feeling guilty for small things.
Use a yawn. If you really want to know if someone is looking at you, checking you out, whatever, fake a very large and over-exaggerated yawn, then check back shortly after. If they yawn too, they probably were. Proceed accordingly.
No one cares about what you think matters. Your clothes, your hair, your zit that popped up, whatever. 99% of the time, people are thinking only of their own stuff. Remember this.
Tea always helps. When in doubt, when scared, when feeling far from home, make a cup of tea. I find peppermint works the best after 3pm, green tea with peppermint best before it.
You don’t have to parallel park. Or do anything that’s annoying and you feel like you should know how to do. Make someone else do it, or park somewhere else. This applies to much more than just parking.
Quality over quantity. The older I get the more I realize, I’d rather wait and save up and buy one really nice and expensive version of something, than 10 cheaper ones that add up to the same price over time. Less is more.
Loss is inevitable. How we feel when they go, is not. Treat everything as though it’s almost gone, everyone as though they could go soon. Leave nothing left unsaid, no good deed undone.
When traveling, skip lunch. I know, a lot of people travel TO eat, but we’ve found that if you pack an energy/protein bar and some pretzels and water to snack on at lunch time, it not only saves you money but a lot of time to do more, see more, learn more. Save the fun meal for dinner.
“Long Arm Selfies” are best. Turn your phone around, use the .5 setting, and take a photo of you and whomever you’re with. The photos will include far more of where you are, and always turn out better than traditional selfies.
Always forgive. But never forget. Refusing to learn from the harms we’ve endured make us vulnerable to being harmed the same way again. Carry no grudges, but forget nothing.
Creation is harder than destruction. And so much more worth it. It’s so easy to tear down, to hate things, to destroy, to remove. It’s so much harder to risk the embarrassment of truly loving something, of bringing into existence something that could be ridiculed or rejected. Do it anyway.
Support their passions. Whomever “they” are in your life that matter, support their passions, their interests, their hobbies, no matter how silly, fleeting, or new they may be. Being supported this way opens their heart in a way few things can.
Ask how you can help, before helping. This applies to everything from helping those with some sort of disability, to someone in need. Assuming we know the best way to help is wrong, give people the dignity of asking what they actually need.
Balance in all things. A happy life, a happy body, a happy mind, a happy relationship, is all about balance. Accepting this helps you celebrate the good without being destroyed by the bad. All things will come all things will pass.
You are never a burden. Stop apologizing, stop reducing yourself, stop assuming that what you need is too much. If it’s too much for anyone, they are not enough for you. Simple.
Letting go of the illusion of control is the first step. On a life of a billion steps, a journey of so many miles, the first step is finally giving up the idea that you’re in control. It’s amazing what happens to fear when you stop trying to be the stone standing against the river, and just become the water itself. Go where it flows, enjoy the ride, and do what you can. All else is myth.
Refuse to settle. I’ve preached this for as long as I’ve been writing. Being lonely is better than being in the company of those that do not soothe, or set your soul on fire. Do not settle for less than you deserve. Not now, not ever.
Kindness above all else. We get one shot at this, and you will never, ever, ever, regret being kind. It won’t always be returned, it almost never will in the ways you gave it, but that doesn’t matter. Give kindness away freely, keep no scores, and expect nothing. This is all you can control, so do it right, and do it now.
44 years, 44 lessons. Take them, leave them, agree with them, add to them, disagree if you need to. These are little things that I have learned, and I so truly hope you found something, anything, that feels valuable.
If you did, you can share this post far and wide, and it really would mean a lot.
I love you all, thanks for being here for some of these 44 years. Here’s to the next 44 to hopefully come.
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