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It was probably 1990, and I was 9 years old. My feet were probably snuggled into ugly carpet, one sock on, one off (it’s an Autism thing). There were tiny nuggets of wood falling into our pellet stove, each dropping lifting sparks from the little bundle of flame. This has a smell, and I can still remember it. The Goonies was on VHS, and after adjusting the tracking just right, the picture was clear on our ancient television set, the box bigger than the screen that showed the picture.
Everything, if only for those 114 minutes, was perfect.
It was just a few months ago, Lady Gregson and I were fresh off a trip to photograph a wedding in Cannon Beach, Oregon. If you’re unfamiliar with the (arguably most) classic movie I mentioned above, you have to understand that Cannon Beach is the exact location where so much of the drama, the action, the beauty of that cinematic marvel was filmed. You have to understand that between Astoria, Oregon, and Cannon Beach, it’s hard to find anywhere on earth that serves more as Mecca to 1980s film fans. We needed a movie to watch in the little home gym during our weight lifting workout, and after browsing awhile, I found it, shining like a beacon, like a Signal Fire in its own right. The Goonies, was streaming.
About 1/3 of the way through the film, the realization washed over me and stopped me in my tracks. I looked over at Sarah as she finished on the flat bench and I let slip the truth that found me:
I think Goonies might be the perfect movie?!
I said it as half question, half statement, half epiphany, half bid to see if the assertion I made was an accurate one. I waited. Finally, she agreed.
Today, I want to offer to you my reasoning, the meat on the bones that stands this theory up. I want to tell you why I think it’s perfect, why I think it holds up, and why I think so much of what’s popular today owes its existence to this stunning piece of art.
Here, I present to you my argument for why The Goonies, just might be the perfect movie.
A stunning lack of CGI - I get it, they didn’t have access to CGI back then, and dammit, it’s all-the-better for it. This movie is tactile, it’s tangible, it has a look, a feel, a grime, a grit. It is a film you can touch, if only with your eyes, and its reliance on physical sets and practical effects makes it believable, no matter how hokey it might seem, no matter the fishing line on the fake bats that rise from the fireplace. No matter how good it gets, I just cannot love CGI in films. I try, but I just cannot.
A staggering lack of irony - This damn movie believes in itself, in its own magic, in its story, and in the lesson its imparting. It’s not winking as an aside to the camera, it’s not saying “Look how fun this nostalgic thing is, wasn’t it cute?!” It’s telling the story all the way, and making us believe as it does so.
Kids being KIDS - These kids are kids, not well-polished robotic child actors who are in on the joke and looking to boost their brand or build a social media following. These are kids that are as real as we all were in the 1980s, those of us who grew up then. They are flawed, they are messy, they are scared sometimes, and they are brave when they must be. They sometimes stumble over lines, and they are given a leash long enough to find their way back to the emotion of each scene.
Real Danger + Real Adventure = Real Fun - The kids are threatened by escaped convicts, they almost fall onto 3 foot spikes down massive holes in the ground, almost get eaten by giant squid (in a deleted scene, chill out), and nearly get crushed by boulders as an entire cave crashes down around them. The presence of adults, by way of characters in the film or as directors, producers, or crew, in no way dilutes or dumbs down the sense of action or adventure or actual danger.
Diversity, all the way back then - The kids are from different backgrounds in so many different ways. They are of different ethnicities, different personalities, different ages, and hell, even different body types. I know not everyone who watches the film will find a stand-in for themselves, but dammit, they do a great job trying, and making so many people feel seen.
Iconic lines, iconic memories - The title of this article proves my point. “GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE.” “Andy, you Goonie!” “HEYYYY YOUUUU GUYSSSSSS” and who could ever forget the Truffle Shuffle? From the pirate ship, to Haystack Rock, from the scene with the wishing well to the unbelievable scene-stealing every time Sloth came on screen, it’s iconic, it’s memorable, and I still quote it almost every day.
Friendship & Loyalty - The heart of the film, the truth behind it all. Never backing down if your friends are in danger, never giving up, never allowing anything or anyone to come between you and your best friends. This is the heart of it. To fight for what is yours, to defend against those who threaten it.
Add these together with the undeniable Spielberg magic touch, and you have, what I believe is the Perfect Film. Add onto that, the aforementioned nostalgic factor, here, now, the pop-culture references, the fashion, the Cyndi Lauper song, the biking through the rainforest of Ecola State Park, and it’s unbeatable, it truly is, and I think the real reason why extends beyond just it being a cinematic masterpiece.
Modern films, and while I won’t say all but most, just don’t feel the same. They are missing some of this messiness, some of this grit, some of this tactile and often ridiculous nonsense that makes things fun.
When something gets close, when it feels similar, when it starts, even starts, to crack that code, we notice. We all do. Stranger Things, immediately comes to mind, and it owes absolutely everything it is to Goonies. Everything. It takes the risk in letting the children at its core be children, be messy and be scared, be brave and be awkward. It uses CGI, sure, but something even about the way it does this feels better. Feels more real, feels not perfect, in the best way. It quite literally poaches every great thing about the genius that came before it, and it’s probably why it’s my favorite thing Netflix has made to date.
I’ve seen Goonies probably 135 times, and I swear to you, I find some new reason to treasure it each time I do. I find some new reason to believe it’s perfect. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’ll tell me I am, maybe it’s not perfect to you and I invite you to tell me why. For me, it’s damn close, and as I said, I think the reason why has so much more to do with something so much bigger than all the brilliant elements I bullet-pointed above. It’s because of not just what it says, not just how it says it, but who it says it to. That’s where it gets me, that’s where it wins.
Truth is, some of us didn’t fit in. Some of us came from a place of always feeling different, always wearing the hand-me-down clothes and trying to navigate a world with a divergence from the ‘normal’ that everyone else seemed to inhabit with such ease. Some had braces, some had stutters, some had nerdy interests, some were terrible at sports, some were amazing at them but knew that path wasn’t the path they were meant to walk. Some craved adventure but felt too ill to believe they could do so, some were brave but never had that bravery tested.
Some watched The Goonies, and felt, finally, like they could still be a hero.
I still do. I always will, because if I know anything, it is this:
Goonies never say die.
