The other night, while my wife and I brushed our fee fis, we reflected back over the items we’d eaten together over the course of the day. Some scrambles, slice of toast with some boys be boys, two smears after lunch, some pipers, a plate of bang bang icy at the tops, and then a dessert of a sinker for her, a bowl of CTCs and some home made Beyoncè for me, and some in the wind to help us relax and calm down. While not every night ain’t no pocket of peaches and some cucumbers become pickles, sure as eggs is eggs, this day was slick like puddin.
I speak a language that very, very few people understand.
It’s called Knottish, and it’s a combination of my weird ‘Tism brain, and some Americanized version of Cockney rhyming, probably from my predilection for British television and films. It doesn’t make sense at all to anyone who first hears it, but then once they have it explained, it suddenly does, and then it replaces the words they once knew as anything else. It’s infectious, I suppose, to put it simply.
Our household speaks Knottish, and though the dictionary is an ever expanding thing, for the most part we all are fluent in it when conversing with one another. Now, whether they notice or not, Sarah, Henry, and Addie, frequently drop some of the more common and frequent words or phrases in a complete replacement for the actual words they once knew.
I thought then, what if all of YOU wanted to speak Knottish too? What if you wanted to start adding to the dictionary that has never stopped growing, though I never know when a new word will be added? I thought then, why don’t I share a few with you here, today? Why don’t I explain some of the weirder ones, the stranger entries, the more bizarre pathways my silly mind skips down?
Why indeed.
Here, my dear friends, are some strange additions to the official dictionary for Knottish, and I hope you feel very free to use these as you need them. I will do my best to explain the process that led me to these substitutions, but I warn you, those connections might be perilously thin. I hope you feel free to add to them when you get the spirit of the language, when it leaks into you and starts spreading and evolving all on its own. I imagine you already have your own languages, and I would cherish the ability to know your weird words, phrases, and bits of communication that no one else shares. Leave a comment, let me know.
Knottish: A Random Sampling
Boys be Boys = Jam. As in the fruit sweet goo you put on toast. Came from “Slam, Slam, doh doh doh, LET THE BOYS BE BOYS” lyrics from the iconic song “Slam” by Onyx in the 1990s. Jam rhymes with Slam, and the rest is history.
Sinkers = Cookies. As in Sarah’s delicious sourdough cookies. Came from the phrase “Hook, Line, and Sinker.” Cook(ie) rhymes with Hook, and so it became Sinkers.
Pipers = Carrots. As they are also sometimes called Rotties (carROTs), and back in the 80s and 90s there was this rad pro wrestler named Rowdy Roddy Piper. Carrots became Rotties (Roddys), became Pipers.
He didn’t know then, I’d name carrots after him. Bang Bang = Chicken. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Chitty (in my head) sounds like Chicky, so Chicky Chicky Bang Bang became Bang Bang. Done.
Beyoncè = Granola. Granola is shortened to Nola, which is further called Noles. Beyoncè’s last name was Knowles, so Noles became Knowles, which then turned to Beyoncè because that’s her damn name.
In The Wind = Tea. In the 1994 classic “Nell” starring Jodie Foster, she played Nell, the wild child that grew up isolated in the woods or something and so didn’t know how to speak well. She had this line where she would try to say “Tree in the wind” but her wildness made her say “Tay-ay in da winnn.” Tay is what they call Tea in Irish, so Tea became Tay, became Tay-ay, became Tay Ay in the Winn, became In The Wind.
Fee Fis = Teeth. As in, “I need to brush my fee fis.” This sometimes is also “fo fums.” Teeth in my head rhymes with Feef, which sounds like “FeeFiFoFum” from Jack and the Beanstalk. Feef became Fee Fis cause that’s how the saying goes. Duh.
Smears = Apples. Sarah hates this one, and I don’t blame her. Apple rhymes with papple, papple starts with Pap, and Pap is short for a pap smear which is the grossest name for an important medical procedure. Smear it became for apples, and lately it’s only Cosmic Crisps.
Icy at the Tops = Nachos. Sometimes called Changs, or Cho Changs. In Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire, brave-ish Harry finally has the courage to ask Cho Chang to the Yule Ball. She, on the way down while Harry is on the way Up the stairs, casually warns him “Watch yourself on the stairs, it’s a bit icy at the top,” in her adorable Scottish Accent. I say that a lot, and since she said it, and her name is Cho, and Nacho ends in Cho, Nachos became Cho Changs, then Changs, then Icy at the Tops because that’s what I Love saying in a Scottish accent.
There are a few samples of actual replacement words. But the fun doesn’t stop there, as phrases also come into play. Some are found, some are invented, some make sense only to me until you hear them and you’re like, WOW yep. Maybe? Here are a few:
Knottish Phrases
“Sure as Eggs is Eggs” = You absolutely bet your ass.
, , Sav and I stumbled on this one in Dublin one morning browsing the offerings at a coffee shop right on the Liffey down by the Quay. “Sure as eggs is eggs” was some sandwich they sold with an egg on it, and instantly we adopted it, and use it all the time.“Some Cucumbers Become Pickles” = What can you do/it is what it is. A simple way of saying ‘you can’t win them all’ or ‘well damn what can you do,’ and I have no idea where I came up with this one, but it just works.
“Slick like Puddin” = Really, Really Good. When something is just damn good, in a surprising way, it’s slick like puddin, cause pudding (the American kind, not pudding as in a generic UK term for dessert) is weirdly slick and just kinda slides right down your throat when you eat it.
“Ain’t no Pocket of Peaches” = Not all that great. I suppose this one could replace “he’s not all that and a bag of chips” from the 90s. When asked what that meant by Sarah when I actually invented it, I believe my response was something like “If you got a pocket of peaches, you’re doin pretty good.” So if you are NOT in fact, a pocket of peaches, you are NOT in fact, doin pretty good, and so you probably should get off your high horse. That’s about it.
“How much dollars?” = How much does that cost? Simple, but I say it, and now everyone else says it, even people who don’t live here but have spent a lot of time here (I’m looking at you Steven). This also can be said, if you KNOW how much something costs and it’s a lot as, “that’s a lot of dollars,” instead of “that’s expensive.”
“Why’s that be ______” = Why is this the way it is? Another I don’t know why my brain says, but it happens, a lot, and again, the “be” part is transferable to lots of situations. “Why’s she be?” I probably sound illiterate, but I don’t mean to do this.
The weird thing is, this language, this communication style, it’s not just silly, it’s how my brain stays grounded, it’s how it makes life the fun and relaxed game I always think it should be. It’s how I soften words, how I change them to add a splash of color to the mundanity that can sometimes surround us.
Seeing a trend here?
If we cannot find the miracles in the mundane, sometimes, we can invent them.
It’s not nonsense, it’s just not neurotypical logic. It’s my weird version of it, it’s my strange ‘Tism and its pattern recognition, its sensory shortcutting, its sound-association by way of rhyme, by way of ridiculousness that provides levity, maybe even a little bit of light.
I’ve a brain that doesn’t love straight lines, I’ve a brain that invents ways to cope, and part of that coping is inviting people into the bizarre world that only I know unless others take that risk and waltz into the darkness. I’ve a brain that loves poetry, both the real kind that I write almost constantly within, and this kind that sounds like gibberish to the uninitiated.
Bottom line, I probably don’t always speak your language, I probably can’t, but dammit, I still hope you’ll listen.
I hope you’ll listen.
I speak a language
only you can understand.
You that translates me.
