I have no misconceptions that loving me is an easy thing. I’ve never been burdened with the misunderstanding of my own difficulties, nor the challenge that must be loving me for my oddities, and not despite them.
I know being Autistic creates an entire world for me, but until conducting this interview with Sarah, I didn’t fully understand that it also creates an entire world around me. That it pulls those near me in, that it has a gravity all its own.
I think Autism is like this, I think it’s a force we do not understand, I think it’s more powerful than anyone believes, and I think it creates orbits around us, little oblong paths that all those that venture close enough get trapped in.
She’s trapped now haha, and as such she has learned so many ways to not just endure me, but celebrate me for how I am, for how I never will be. Part 1 of this interview series was last week, and I think many of you found it enlightening. I think Part 2 will just expound on that, as her answers are so thoughtful and insightful.
I wouldn’t be me without she, I know this. Now, however, through this bizarrely intimate process, I think I know she wouldn’t be she without me either. What a beautiful thing, the way we stain one another, the way our colors bleed.
If you didn’t read last week’s first half, you can do so by clicking below.
Loving an Autistic: An Interview with My Wife | 10.12.25
Here’s a truth I don’t know that I’ve ever mentioned here before, something I should have brought up ages ago but just forgot to:
For now, here is Part 2:
Sarah Linden Gregson Answers 15 Questions About Loving An Autistic (Part 2)
Has there ever been a moment when you thought, “I don’t understand him at all”—and what did you do about it? I don't think I have ever had a moment that I didn't totally understand. But there have definitely been times where I say, "What the fuck did he just do and how did he do it?" It's usually something, and I'm not just saying this to build you up, but it's usually something that you do so easily do that makes me say, "What the f***? How did he just do that?" Things like, I don't know, I mean, any of the custom poems that you write or, I don’t know, everything that you try to do, you just do it with such ease and it doesn't make sense to me. Or even how you understand people, you know, instantly, that just it blows my mind how well you do and how well you're able to explain that understanding to the person and make them feel understood. So, it's more of that, rather than that I've felt like I do not understand you. Really not ever, because even if in the very initial moment if I'm angry, but if I give myself even five minutes and if I put away my ego I can understand right away even if I don't agree but I can understand pretty quickly. Like you not wanting to sit at a track meet all day, my initial reaction might be like, "What the hell? Why? Why?" But if I takes three minutes, I totally do understand. I just don't like it.
What’s something you admire about the way I see the world that you wish more people could experience? Oh god, so much. Just that every single thing is an opportunity to find magic and even something like going to Costco can be so much fun. Everything, every little thing that we do. Going on the loop we've done a million times. Unless you're in a grumpy mood, but most of the time, even if you are, if you see a f****** bee, it changes your entire day. And I think those little tiny things, those miracles in the mundane, that’s just always been you, since the first day I met you.
How do we handle communication differently than other couples you know? What works really well—and what’s still a work in progress? I already answered that. You just can tell what I am saying without me saying it, but then I get mad because I want to be able to say it, but I have a hard time saying it. And what I need I need to work on just communicating better and you need to work on giving me space for that because your brain goes too fast. I think I think that's what it is. I know in your brain you know what and where I'm going to go or what I need, but I don't want you to sometimes I don't want you to. But then I guess you never know when that is. But sometimes I don't want you to tell me what I'm thinking because I just need to be able to say that once I'm ready.
How has our relationship challenged you to grow personally, emotionally, or creatively? Personally so many things. Um, but mostly just not caring what people think and just being more authentic in who I am. Emotionally? Hmm, I think just being more selective in who I give all of my emotional energy to because I mean I still give too much of it probably and I always will, but I think at least I'm conscious of that because before, I was taught not to be and just to give it all. Creatively? I don’t know about that one, probably just in Trying, I guess. To always try.
What do you wish more people understood about loving someone who is autistic—not just being autistic, but being loved by one? Well, I think what I said earlier is that I mean it certainly has some little logistical challenges for sure, but the emotional, the depth of love is so much more that you don't even notice most of the time the logistical challenges because they don't and it doesn't matter. I think once you learn to not care what other people think the logistical challenges are reduced to 10%, you know, because most of the logistical challenges are like, "Oh, well, what's that going to look like to other people,” you know, but as soon as you learn to not care about that then almost all of the those go away and it's then just like being loved by like 400 different people. Me: So, what would you say some of like briefly are some of those logistical challenges are? Because like people might hear that and be like, "Well, does that mean he needs like to wear headphones all the time when he's in public? Sarah: Well, some for some people for sure. But for us, no. It's just more knowing that I can't just plan something for the two of us to go to or to be a part of very last minute and there can't be there can't be a last minute change. I think at first I was nervous or sad that there wouldn't be any spontaneity because actual plans can't be spontaneous but, every moment moment is spontaneous within our day…if you know what the plan is the little moments inside it, I truly have no idea what's ever going to happen and so I think once I shifted my brain I understood “oh, actually every minute within our planned day is completely unknown and spontaneous and that's just as amazing.” If not better. I would say that and just knowing social interactions that some people might not even think about I just have to think about them a little bit more. Sometimes there's not really a choice, you know, like yesterday afternoon there there wasn't really a choice, we needed to be there. But I think in those situations I think that it's gotten so much easier because I don't have any…I don't give a s*** what people think of where you need to go or what you need to do even within those. Like if you're you're just with the little kids and that's perfect because well they are who make you feel better.
If someone asked you for advice because they just started dating someone on the spectrum, what would you say? I'd say hang on. Honestly if Addie came to me tomorrow or Henry did and “I think I am falling in love with somebody” or not even falling in love, but even “I want to go on a date with this person. He's on the spectrum or she's on the spectrum.” I'd be like oh my god YES that's amazing. I'm so excited for you because it's just it's like you turned the color and the saturation up on life to the very tiptop. And so there's never any more…there's no boring vanilla anything. And sometimes that's tiring, but most of the time it's just incredible. I would love if the kids fell in love with someone on the spectrum.
Fill in the blank: Loving someone on the spectrum is like... (Use a metaphor or simile if you want!) Oh god, you're the king of those. Loving someone on the spectrum is like, well, I don't know why, but the first thing that popped into my head was “like a Carnival.” Like the one in Helena where you it's so exciting and the colors are so bright, but there's just so much fucking weird stuff everywhere. And everywhere you turn, there's something different. And you never know what is going to happen or if the ride is going to break, but it's worth it's worth the risk because you will feel so alive while you're in it, you know? Me : Do you know what's funny about that is when I took the photos of the carnival the last time we were there I remember like relating to them in a weird way because even the way that I shot them and the way I edited them because there would be like these little pockets of like bright light and a lot of stuff but then all around it was darkness, and I feel like that a lot of the time, how I'm like more dark than I am light and it's just that the light shines so bright that most people don't know about the dark part. But I remember seeing the photos and like it would be in the middle there would be a little pocket of light at this stand, a little pocket of light here, and then everywhere else was just dark. And I just remember thinking, “Oh, that kind of feels like my brain. like little splashes of gold light, but then just weird darkness and shadow people. Sarah: Yeah, a carnival at night, and every stall is something so weird and different that you have no idea what it's going to be. And you get all these weird toys that make you so happy.
BONUS QUESTION! What has surprised you, challenged you, or delighted you about navigating sex and intimacy with someone on the autism spectrum—and how has my neurodivergence shaped what connection means in the bedroom? Oh, man. Well, again, it's kind of like 400 people. There's like 400 people in the bed with us, too. Um, and they're all focused on me hahaha. Me: It’s like Non-mongamous monogamy! Sarah: Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I think, I don’t know, but talking to friends about it, there's so much in their relationships and sex that is just unspoken always about that and there isn't with us. Ever. Which you had to teach me. But there's nothing off limits. It’s just so safe to talk about all those things. It’s so just easy and weirdly I don't know just easy. Just easy.
There you have it. A brief distillation of what it is to love someone, one someone, on the Autism Spectrum. We’re all so different, it’d take millions of interviews to understand the complexities, the idiosyncrasies and the amazing shades of color between the colors.
For now, it’s just this, it’s just us, and it’s just a peek into the idea that EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE deserves love, deserves to find someone that makes them make sense, if only for that brief blip of time they are together.
I know she is that to me, and I so hope I am that for her.
To close, I just want to speak directly to all the parents, all over the place, that reach out and tell me Thank You for giving them hope that their neurodivergent child can find love, can experience the joy of connection, can get married or have a family or go on dates or flirt. I just want to say, we’re all so different, we’re all in so many different places on that big wide spectrum, but we all can love, we all can show that love, it just might not look the same to everyone else.
We love, hard. We show it, in a billion ways, a billion different hues and shades. There are so many ways to love, to be loved, and your child deserves to find theirs. Trust them, help them, lead them, embrace them, and celebrate the absolute joy they will bring with their beautiful and bizarre love.
I love you Weef, thank you for loving me.
Oh and as promised, here are a few photos of the way my brain, my Autism, feels just like the carnival Sarah mentioned. Click one to see them all bigger.
